web analytics
May 24, 2013 /15 Sivan, 5773
At a Glance ▼
Sections
Sponsored Post
The Tosfos Yomtov was convinced that the death of 300,000 –600,000 Jews during the Chmielnicki massacres of 1648-49 were because of improper Tefila. Communicated: Tefilla

Chillul Tefila Bifarhesia, as well as halachicly challenged verbiage and dress, are external manifestations of a critical lack of personal yiras shomayim which has lethal consequences.



Part 16 – Domestic Abuse Checklist


Latest update: March 5th, 2012
tell a friend
Schonbuch-Rabbi-Daniel

In an online article, Lisa Twerski, LCSW, identifies different types of tactics often used by abusers. This is only a partial list, but recognizing even several of these tactics in your own relationship can help you put a name to what has been going on and help clarify events or conversations that until now might have been confusing:

 

Control Through Isolation

Does your spouse (try to) prevent you from spending time with friends or family by either aggressively preventing you or by subtly making it difficult? (For example, does he or she pick a fight, act miserable when everyone gets together, and embarrass you so that you don’t feel it’s worth it, etc.)

Does your spouse watch your every move, calling you several times a day to check up on you?

Do you have to account for every minute of your time, give detailed descriptions of your every move?

Expect you to only do things, go places and get together with people he approves of?

Has he tried to undermine your attempts at schooling or working?

 

Control Through Finances

Are you on a strict budget but your spouse is not? Do you have to account for every penny?

Does your spouse harass you over every expenditure, questioning you endlessly, but expects to be able to make financial decisions as he or she sees fit?

Do you have to hand over any money you make, but don’t actually have access to money, except for what your husband decides to give you?

Do you find yourself lying about or hiding money, because you’re worried that you might not have any when you need it?

 

Control Through Sexual Violence

Does your spouse force you to have relations when you don’t want to, or force you to engage in acts that make you feel uncomfortable?

Does he touch you or force you to have relations during niddah?

Does he criticize you, say that you don’t match up to other women, intimidate, or tell you outright that other women in his life have been much more satisfying?

 

Control Through Emotional Abuse

Does your spouse put you down or call you names?

Does he threaten to harm you, your family, and your children or say that he will take the children away from you?

Does he blame you for everything that goes wrong, including his behavior towards you?

Does he do things purposely to scare you, i.e. driving very fast and dangerously, insisting on allowing the children to do things that he knows you don’t feel are safe, etc.?

Has your spouse ever destroyed things that you cared about, like family photos, personal possessions, in order to ‘punish’ you?

Does he apologize, only to do the same (kind of) thing again? Or does he use an apology as a way to say: this matter is closed; you should be over it now or shut up?

 

Control Through Physical Violence

Does your spouse throw or break things when he or she is angry?

Does he or she punch walls?

Does your spouse block your way, get close and intimidating, and stop just short of physically assaulting you (or that’s what you worry about)?

Does he or she ever push you, hit you or physically harm you in any way?”

 

If you spot any of these signs you can call the Shalom Task Force hotline at 1-888-883-2323. The hotline is confidential and without caller ID to ensure full anonymity for callers.   If you are looking for signs of controlling and abusive behavior, I highly recommend a visit to www.shalomtaskforce.org. Since 1993, Shalom Task Force has been at the forefront of the issue of domestic violence in the Jewish community. Their website is filled with articles that can help victims understand more about the issue.

 

Next week, Part 17:  Breaking the Silence

 

Rabbi Daniel Schonbuch, MA, is the Executive Director of Shalom Task Force. For more information about Shalom Task Force, please visit www.shalomtaskforce.org. You can e-mail questions to him at rabbischonbuch@yahoo.com. To order “First Aid For Jewish Marriages” go to www.JewishMarriageSupport.com.

tell a friend

About the Author: Rabbi Daniel Schonbuch, MA, is an expert in marriage, pre-marriage education, and working with teenagers at risk. He is the executive director of Shalom Task Force and maintains a private practice in Brooklyn. For an appointment or to watch his free video series on marriage and parenting, visit www.JewishMarriageSupport.com call 646-428-4723 or email: rabbischonbuch@yahoo.com. For more information visit www.shalomtaskforce.org or call the hotline at 1-888-883-2323.


You might also be interested in:


no comments

Comments are closed.

SocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

Current Top Story
Rep. John Conyers, D-Mich
Rep. John Conyers Apologizes for Louis Farrakhan’s Antisemitic Remarks
Latest Sections Stories
V-E-Day-052413-Grandpa
Sections → Magazine → Teens and Twenties

Nearly half a million of them fought in Red Army uniforms, under communist slogans but with a personal vengeance that was solely the result of Jewish experience. More than the “Greatest Generation,” they were the living superheroes hidden in plain sight.

hot-busy-kitchen-10912000
Sections → Jewess Press → Daily Living

It’s all over.

The orchestra is still, the lights are dimmed. Your simcha outfits hang in your closet, silent witnesses to a time you will treasure in your mind and heart forever.

Touro-052413
Sections → Features

Scene One:

After noticing that you can’t log into your computer, your pulse quickens as you are called into your supervisor’s office. S/he has some bad news. You are being laid off. You have 15 minutes to clean out your desk and surrender your cell phone before security escorts you out of the building. Job termination, especially in the corporate world, can be heartless.

Omer Map (website image) by Yitzchok Moully. Courtesy the artist.
Sections → Arts

I have always had a problem with the Omer. Doing the mitzvah of counting the Omer was of course pretty easy. Remembering to start the second evening of Passover and remembering to stop the day before Shavous took a little concentration but somehow I always managed. No, for me the nagging problem was always why was I doing this in the first place, other than the fact it was a biblical (according to the Rambam) commandment.

Sections → Magazine → On Our Own/Cheryl Kupfer

With the semi-mourning period of Sefira behind us, and the festival of Shavuot as well (as evidenced by the tightness of our clothing due to over-indulging in irresistible versions of cheesecake that is an integral component of celebrating our receipt of the Torah), our community can look forward to participating in joyous engagement parties and weddings.

Sections → Family → Marriage and Relationships

Dear Dr. Yael:

Do you really believe that the Internet is the reason why the divorce rate is so high among young couples? This may be so in some cases, but what about the fact that many singles are pressured to get married at a young age despite not having any idea what they are looking for in a mate? And add to that the fact that many are pressured to make a decision about marriage after dating for a very short period of time.

Sections → Family → Marriage and Relationships

From the moment they stand under the chuppah, newlyweds have two years to enjoy the special bliss that new love brings. This new finding, reported by the New York Times, is based on a study undertaken by American and European researchers. 1,761 people who got married and stayed married over 15 years were followed. The research shows that after two years the couples moved into a more companionable state in their relationships.

Sections → Family → Parenting Our Children

Shel Silverstein’s 1974 poem “Where The Sidewalk Ends” is intended to paint a magical picture of a world of peace and serenity far away from the “black and dark streets.” At the time, perhaps the end of the sidewalk was a place that was “measured and slow.” Today, however, for many parents, where the sidewalk ends can feel like a scary place.

Sections → Community → South Florida

Florida is famous for sparkling water. We have the beautiful Atlantic Ocean and Gulf of Mexico surrounding our coast. We have bays, lakes, canals and, of course, an incredible abundance of swimming pools in homes, resorts, apartment complexes and city parks.

Sections → Community → South Florida

The buzz is back as Camp Gan Israel Florida Overnight gears up for another fantastic summer, CGI Florida style. What makes CGI Florida so different from all the other overnight camps? It’s all in the details.

Sections → Magazine → Teens and Twenties

Leah Katz, a TeenZone camper at Oorah’s TheZone summer camp and an 11th grader at Midwood High School, read her winning essay about how TheZone changed her views on Judaism at the Jewish Heritage Awards Ceremony held at Brooklyn District Attorney Charles Hynes’s office in April. The purpose of the Jewish Heritage Essay Contest is to acquaint public school students with Jewish history and customs and to help foster a deeper understanding of Jewish culture. The contest is open to students of all ethnic and religious backgrounds. Leah’s essay is reproduced in full below.

Sections → Jewess Press → Impact Of Women On Jewish History/Prof. L. Jackson

Moshe Sharett, the head of the Jewish Agency’s Political Department, visited Egypt in 1945. In Cairo he met a most remarkable young woman, a beautiful journalist who was the darling of Egyptian high society – from high-ranking military brass, to culture icons and Muslim sheikhs, to the court of King Faruk.

Sections → Family → Marriage and Relationships

The two proceeded to talk about everyday things and surprisingly her mother-in-law did not find anything else to criticize. This occurred a few more times, with my client changing the topic every time by complimenting her mother-in-law or mentioning something positive about her.

More Articles from Rabbi Daniel Schonbuch
Schonbuch-Rabbi-Daniel
Sections → Family → Marriage and Relationships

Controlling behavior may be the number one reason that your marriage needs first aid.

If you are unfamiliar with the topic of control, it’s no surprise. Most people are unaware that control is a major issue for counselors, therapists and psychologists-at-large.

Schonbuch-Rabbi-Daniel
Sections → Family → Marriage and Relationships

It’s inevitable that sometimes couples will step on each other’s toes; especially during the first year of marriage, where newlyweds find themselves tip-toeing around their spouse’s emotional roadblocks. Don’t forget that it takes time to learn about your spouse’s idiosyncrasies and how to respond in a way that makes him or her feel at ease.

Sections → Family → Marriage and Relationships

To feel loved and nurtured your spouse needs to feel that you empathize with his or her emotions. The key is empathy. Empathy isn’t the same as sympathy or pity. It means being able to put yourself in another’s position, to feel what he feels and see what he sees, without losing yourself in the process.

Sections → Family → Marriage and Relationships

Mirroring is a good way to start actively listening. To mirror, you simply paraphrase or repeat back to your spouse what he or she is saying to you.

Sections → Family → Marriage and Relationships

David and his wife had been married for 15 years and believed they knew what each other really wanted. While attending a marriage seminar on communication, David and his wife listened to the instructor declare, “It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.”

Sections → Family → Marriage and Relationships

Recently, there a number of articles dealing with the difficulties singles are having getting married have appeared in various publications. Unfortunately, many young people in their 20’s (and some even in their 30’s) are struggling to find their bashert.

Sections → Family → Marriage and Relationships

One of the most powerful dimensions of a successful marriage is a couple’s ability to keep focused on each other’s good points and unique personality traits. Too often, people become fixated on the negative, sweating “over the small stuff,” and forgetting the positive points that brought them together in the first place.

Sections → Family → Marriage and Relationships

Self esteem is one of the most important factors influencing human behavior. Despite what some people believe, self esteem can be a critical issue in marriage, where unresolved identity issues from childhood can place unwanted stress on a relationship.

    Latest Poll

    If you could only choose one of the following scenarios regarding Chareidi IDF service, which would you choose?





    View Results

    Loading ... Loading ...

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/family/marriage-relationships/part-16-domestic-abuse-checklist/2009/05/20/

Scan this QR code to visit this page online:

Related posts:

  1. Censoring Sexual Abuse
  2. Staten Island
Close