web analytics
March 28, 2015 / 8 Nisan, 5775
At a Glance
Sections
Sponsored Post


Part 27 – Refocusing Your Perspective On Your In-laws


Schonbuch-Rabbi-Daniel

DS: What about Rachel?

Michael: Rachel is very loving and her strength lies in her nurturing, caring personality. But, at the same time, she has not developed a more decisive personality, which I have developed with more life experience. I make some of the decisions that require my strengths, and she makes those that call upon hers. The rest of our decisions so far have been made together.

DS: It sounds like your complement each other. How are you getting along with your future mother in-law?

Michael: I knew from the beginning that she is a very strong Type A personality, who has a lot of influence over Rachel and the rest of her family. Because of this, her mother feels that she must be involved in every aspect of her Rachel’s life. This means knowing everything that goes on with us; and because she knows how to work her daughter, Rachel has an extremely difficult time resisting the constant pressure her mother puts on her to know every intricate detail about her life.

DS: So, you believe Rachel can’t resist her mother’s pressure.

Michael: I think so. I am trying to build a family unit and this is extremely difficult to do when her mother continues to have such a negative and overbearing influence on her. Rachel and I have spoken many times on this subject, and each time, I try to guide her to stand up to her mother and say no to her when she does not agree. I’ve explained that we cannot build a family for ourselves when her mother has such a major influence on her. We cannot take the chance that the decisions we make in our future are so influenced by what her mother thinks. Rachel has tried, but she cannot seem to overcome this pressure.

DS: How do you get along with your future mother in-law?

Michael: Now, as you can guess, her mother and I often clash with one another. I have had to step up many, many times to fight for us; but I cannot do this forever. I just don’t have the strength or willpower to spend a lifetime battling her mother’s control.

DS: What do you think Rachel can do?

Michael: I think Rachel needs to step up and start making her own decisions. In fact, they both have to make adjustments and come to the realization that Rachel will no longer be living in her mother’s house, and that soon we will be married and we will need the time to build our own family.

DS: It sounds like you’ve got a great basis for a marriage there – you’re very lucky. This is normal to a certain extent, especially if the daughter and mother are close.

Rachel by nature does not seem to be a Type A, so it’s believable that her mother would somewhat dominate her in situations. Type As have a tendency to do that. She has followed her lead just like she follows your lead to a certain extent.

I think you need to sit down and talk to Rachel about this. Explain to her that you’d like to set some type of boundaries as far as what’s acceptable and what’s not acceptable for you, for her to discuss with her mother. Come up with a list of things that might come up, and then the two of you can discuss what’s acceptable to both; there may have to be compromise.

Once a person is married, I fully believe that a person should let go of their parents and become one with their spouse. That’s impossible to do if there is a parent in the middle. I’d also let your kallah know that you’re trying to be proactive in stopping what you feel could be an issue further down the line, that may cause problems.

First Aid Relationship Tips

Work with each other Communicate Directly Find Win/Win Solutions

Rabbi Daniel Schonbuch, MA, is the Executive Director of Shalom Task Force and author of a “First Aid for Jewish Marriages.” To order a copy, visit www.JewishMarriageSupport.com. For more information about Shalom Task Force, please visit www.shalomtaskforce.org. You can e-mail questions to him at rabbischonbuch@yahoo.com.

About the Author: Rabbi Daniel Schonbuch, MA, LMFT is an expert in marriage counseling, pre-marital education, treating anxiety and depression, and helping teens in crisis with offices For more information visit www.JewishMarriageSupport.com, e-mail rabbischonbuch@yahoo.com or call 646-428-4723.


If you don't see your comment after publishing it, refresh the page.

Our comments section is intended for meaningful responses and debates in a civilized manner. We ask that you respect the fact that we are a religious Jewish website and avoid inappropriate language at all cost.

If you promote any foreign religions, gods or messiahs, lies about Israel, anti-Semitism, or advocate violence (except against terrorists), your permission to comment may be revoked.

No Responses to “Part 27 – Refocusing Your Perspective On Your In-laws”

Comments are closed.

Current Top Story
Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu.
Netanyahu to Release Frozen Palestinian Authority Tax Revenue
Latest Sections Stories
Neuman-Rabbi-M-Gary

Are we allowed to lie for shalom bayis? It would seem so, but what might be a healthy guideline for when it’s okay and when it’s not?

book-To-Fill-The-Sky-With-Stars

The connection between what I experienced as a high school teenager and the adult I am today did not come easy to me.

Respler-032715

Isn’t therapy about being yourself; aren’t there different ways for people to communicate with each other?

South-Florida-logo

Jack was awarded a blue and gold first-place trophy, appropriately topped off with a golden bee.

Participating in ManiCures during the school day may feel like a break from learning, but the intended message to the students was loud and clear. Learning and chesed come in all forms, and can be fun.

Building campaign chairman Jack Gluck has led the effort over many years.

When using an extension cord always make sure to use the correct rated extension cord.

There was no question that when Mrs. Cohen entered the room to meet the teacher she was hostile from the outset.

Szold was among the founders and leaders (she served on its executive committee) of Ichud (“Unity”), a political group that campaigned against the creation of an independent, sovereign Jewish state in Eretz Yisrael.

My friend is a strong and capable Jewish woman, but she acted with a passivity that seemed out of character.

“If you don’t stand straight, you’ll never get a husband.”

First, sit down with your helpers and a pen and paper and break the jobs down into small parts.

More Articles from Rabbi Daniel Schonbuch
Schonbuch-Rabbi-Daniel

Teens-at-risk feel alienated from their parents and often believe that no one is interested in hearing about their problems.

Schonbuch-Rabbi-Daniel

Separation anxiety disorder is a condition in which a child becomes fearful and nervous when away from home or separated from a loved one – usually a parent or other caregiver – to whom the child is attached.

I try to focus on the parents in a way that is not often addressed. As soon as the child gets anxious, the parent gets anxious;

Most people are not aware that anxiety disorders are the most common mental illness in the United States, affecting 40 million adults age 18 and older (18% of U.S. population).

Parental conflict affects children in varying ways, depending on their age. For example, teenagers around the age of fifteen or sixteen are most likely to involve themselves in their parents’ battles. Younger children may keep their feelings hidden inside and may only show signs of depression in late childhood or early adolescence.

When parents come to talk to me about a troubled child or teenager, I often find it helpful to explore whether or not their marriage is causing their teenager to be at risk.

Active listening is only one part of the marriage equation; learning what to say and what not to say is the other half. And, it’s not just about expressing your feelings, but doing it in a way that avoids hurting the other person.

Control may be the most destructive force influencing a marriage. Let me illustrate this point with the following story. About two years ago a woman named Bracha, 47, came to speak to me about her husband’s controlling behavior. This is how she described her precarious situation:

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/family/marriage-relationships/part-27-refocusing-your-perspective-on-your-in-laws/2009/08/14/

Scan this QR code to visit this page online: