web analytics
August 21, 2014 / 25 Av, 5774
Israel at War: Operation Protective Edge
 
 
At a Glance
Sections
Sponsored Post
Jerusalem Mayor Nir Barkat (L) visits the JewishPress.com booth at The Event. And the Winners of the JewishPress.com Raffle Are…

Congratulations to all the winners of the JewishPress.com raffle at The Event



Persevering In Marriage

Respler-112213

Dear Dr. Yael:

I can relate to A Confused Wife (“Restoring Proper Values To Your Marriage,” 11-8).

I am a 27-year-old married woman with three children. I love my husband but I’m very nervous about where our marriage is headed. The reason why I am nervous is not because we don’t care about each other, but in my heart I fear that he’s not really frum.

Publicly, he seems to be frum due to his daily attire of black hat, white shirt, and black pants. However, I often see him doing things that I wouldn’t expect from a frum person. He hardly ever wakes up on time to go to minyan, he will tell me that he davened Ma’ariv when I know he didn’t (as I was with him all night). I never see him learning, and he doesn’t have a set learning seder. And whenever I ask him a halachic question his response is always, “Yeah, it’s fine. It’s not a problem.”

The final straw came not long ago. After my husband spent an hour and a half on the computer (supposedly “doing things for work”) I went online to check on what he was really doing. I saw that he was logged onto very questionable websites. I feel I can’t trust him anymore and, as you can imagine, it’s taking a real toll on our marriage.

When I think my husband is doing something wrong I often get into a very bad mood and treat him poorly. I’ll stop talking to him, no longer cook dinner for him, and stop being with him. He doesn’t understand my actions and gets upset. He calls me moody and disgusting. I know I am being mean to him, but I can’t help myself.

I thought I was marrying a different person. My husband was a full-time kollel learner for the first three years of our marriage. Now, four years later, I’m lucky if he even davens once a day. I feel cheated and resentful. I’d prefer to not get divorced, but feel it is my only option. After all, how can I be married to someone I don’t respect? Isn’t respect more important than love? How can I let my children grow up with such a poor role model for a father? I’m embarrassed to feel this way, but I simply can’t help it. I feel that if I don’t do something quickly, my life will just crumble. Please help!

                                                                                                           Distressed  

Dear Distressed:

To get divorced and thus break up a family is terrible, even under the circumstances that you describe. Not everything you are thinking may be true, and although you are losing respect for your husband because of his behavior, your disrespectful attitude toward him will possibly drive him further away from Yiddishkeit.

You need to have an open discussion with him – in a loving and caring manner. You may think that he is not davening, but maybe he is. And even if he is not davening right now, making him feel worthless is not going to get him back on track. Remember that life is all about growth, and that by treating him poorly, you are stunting his. Unfortunately your dilemma is not uncommon today, as I often deal with this issue in my practice. You need to find a positive way to reach your husband.

You are dealing with many issues that are similar to A Confused Wife. But your concern is more about his behavior than his attempt to change you. It is unfortunate that the Internet appears to be an issue in your marriage as well. (The Internet is affecting so many marriages.) Encourage the usage of blocks on your Internet or, if possible, get rid of it altogether. Doing this is generally not so simple, so consider putting in a filtration system and an accountability system.

Here are some available products and services to accomplish this: eBlaster.com, NetNanny.com, CovenantEyes.com, Accountable2You.com, and WebChaver.org (you can inquire about other services by checking Internet Filter Review).

Many rabbanim recommend the use of more than one product, but everyone should have a filter on his or her computer so that inappropriate things do not mistakenly appear. Even if people are not worried about a family member purposely visiting inappropriate websites, one can either Google something or type in a website address and something inappropriate can come up because of a typographical error.

About the Author:


If you don't see your comment after publishing it, refresh the page.

Our comments section is intended for meaningful responses and debates in a civilized manner. We ask that you respect the fact that we are a religious Jewish website and avoid inappropriate language at all cost.

If you promote any foreign religions, gods or messiahs, lies about Israel, anti-Semitism, or advocate violence (except against terrorists), your permission to comment may be revoked.

No Responses to “Persevering In Marriage”

Comments are closed.

SocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

Current Top Story
An IDF patrol along the Gaza border.
Ground Op on Horizon with Emergency Orders to 10,000 IDF Reservists
Latest Sections Stories
(L-R) Rabbis Tzvi Mandel, Akiva Stolper, Meir Borovetz, Yochanan Ivri and Shlomo Rizel. (Not shown: Rabbi Shmaya Modes.)

A CPE class at Kingsbrook Jewish Medical Center in Brooklyn was tailor made for Orthodox participants.

Lewis-081514-Anna-Ticho

“I didn’t choose the landscape; it chose me.”

Astaire-081514

Woe to us that we have to be put to death like common heathen and murderers!

The world sees the hand of God through us, and does not like it.

The Rebbetzin began campaigning to increase public awareness of the importance of saying Amen.

Some educators today believe that Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder falls into an executive function category.

It’s ironic that the reality of death is often the greatest force steering the affirmation of life.

The theme of the event was “Together Let us Rebuild our Holy Beis HaMikdash on Tisha B’Av.”

Chaya Aydel Seminary has already established a close connection with France’s Jewish community.

All attendees left with fervent wishes for a swift and lasting peace in Israel.

How can awareness evolve from exploding stars?

More Articles from Dr. Yael Respler
Respler-081514

There could be no Jewish-themed books and, as such, the lack of knowledge these boys displayed in regards to many of the topics we read about was clear.

Respler-080814

Upon hearing that he did, the owner sent him the atarah – all shiny and new – to be returned to me. I was reunited with my father’s precious gift.

A prominent shadchan recently articulated a dilemma she’s facing.

The real solution to bullying is to empower the bullied child.

My teachers like me and they tell my parents that I am a great girl with good middos.

Some yeshivish couples do not believe in going out with other couples, but that does not mean that the women cannot have social lives.

In my experience, modern schools tend to be more open-minded toward other flavors of Judaism.

I was called to the principal’s office and shown a picture my daughter had drawn.

    Latest Poll

    Do you think the FAA ban on US flights to Israel is political?






    View Results

    Loading ... Loading ...

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/family/marriage-relationships/persevering-in-marriage/2013/11/22/

Scan this QR code to visit this page online: