web analytics
October 22, 2014 / 28 Tishri, 5775
At a Glance
Sections
Sponsored Post
Meir Panim with Soldiers 5774 Roundup: Year of Relief and Service for Israel’s Needy

Meir Panim implements programs that serve Israel’s neediest populations with respect and dignity. Meir Panim also coordinated care packages for families in the South during the Gaza War.



‘Please Don’t Leave Me!’


Herskowitz-Moishe

The Torah tells us that we are put onto this world to give, not just to take, as difficult as this may seem for some people. Married life provides a unique opportunity to give to another person. When husband and wife are willing to give whatever it takes to make each other happy, they will move onto the next stage called “love.” This is where the Shechina (Divine Presence) rests.

For some couples it may take months, for others, years, for this process to take place, if they are willing to work on their marriage. In many cases, Hashem challenges couples with “shock waves” they never anticipated, in order to prove to them that they truly do love each other and can be worthy of shalom bayis (marital harmony).

My last article presented a letter written by a client of mine who is currently serving a prison sentence. His wife wants to divorce him, but he is very remorseful for both his crime, and for his former neglectful, irresponsible treatment of his family. He begged her for another chance to prove himself.

The following is a response by a Jewish Press reader:

Dear Husband In Prison;

The following is my reply to your letter in the 7/30 issue:

I find myself in a similar situation. I too committed a serious crime and am waiting with baited breath for my sentencing (yet to be determined). You don’t indicate in your letter how long your sentence is, so I assume that it is less than one year.

I was an upstanding citizen, well known in my community for volunteering, giving interest free loans, and supporting worthy causes. My husband and I were known to all tzedaka collectors as ones who gave generously. So what went wrong? I too was taken in by greed, thinking I could give my family a better life. Never once did I think of the repercussions of what I was doing.

What I have done (should it be made public) will cause disgrace to my children, parents, and in-laws. We will have to move from the community. The damage I have caused is unfathomable. I will have to make restitution, pay penalties, legal fees, and face possible prison time. All the penalties far outweigh the amount I profited.

My husband had no idea of what I was doing. When I decided to confide in him (after I went to the FBI), he was very upset (to say the least), shocked, disappointed and hurt. Yet, he was supportive of me at the same time. The most important thing to him was keeping the family together, since we have young children at home.

I am now working with a therapist to find out why I caused such damage. I am also working on ensuring that nothing like this will ever happen again. I have become withdrawn, have lost a lot of weight, and am short tempered. I have no patience for my children or my friends’ chit-chat. I don’t wallow in self-pity, as I have caused this situation myself.

At times, I feel it is unfair to my husband to have to go through this with me. He is innocent and should go on with his life. He deserves a wife he can be proud of. My kids deserve a role model and mom they can look up to. But no, he has decided that we married for better or worse, that my behavior is not reflective of the person he married, and that through professional therapy, he will have the best wife possible once I am cured. I know he will have a wife who will be forever indebted to him for allowing me a second chance and believing in me. I know I won’t disappoint him.

To your wife… if you have children at home, please give him a second chance. Please believe that through therapy, he can be cured. It sounds as though he is on the right path. But, it takes two people. Speak to his therapist and try to work things out together. Was he forced to commit his crime to support your needs for luxuries? Were you unaware of his actions? Was he a good father and husband beside this? I hope you have the same strength my husband has, and that you see your husband for the man you fell in love with and married, not as the sick person he is today.

About the Author: Moishe Herskowitz, MS., LCSW, developed the T.E.A.M. (Torah Education & Awareness for a better Marriage). As a licensed clinical social worker and renowned family therapist, he guides new couples through easy-to-accomplish steps towards a happy, healthy marriage. He can be reached at CPCMoishe@aol.com or 718-435-7388.


If you don't see your comment after publishing it, refresh the page.

Our comments section is intended for meaningful responses and debates in a civilized manner. We ask that you respect the fact that we are a religious Jewish website and avoid inappropriate language at all cost.

If you promote any foreign religions, gods or messiahs, lies about Israel, anti-Semitism, or advocate violence (except against terrorists), your permission to comment may be revoked.

No Responses to “‘Please Don’t Leave Me!’”

Comments are closed.

SocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

Current Top Story
Israel's Deputy Ambassador to the United Nations David Roet, at a UNSC meeting held July 22, 2014 regarding the Palestinian Arab-Israeli conflict.
Israel Attempts to Insert Reason into UN Debate About Middle East
Latest Sections Stories

Sadly, there are mothers who, due to severe depression are unable or unwilling to prepare nourishing food for their children.

Michal had never been away from home. And now, she was going so far away, for so long – an entire year!

Though if you do have a schach mat, you’ll realize that it cannot actually support the weight of the water.

Social disabilities occur at many levels, but experts identify three different areas of learning and behavior that are most common for children who struggle to create lasting social connections.

Sukkot is an eternal time of joy, and if we are worthy, of plenty.

Two of our brothers, Jonathan Pollard and Alan Gross, sit in the pit of captivity. We have a mandate to see that they are freed.

Chabad of South Broward has 15 Chabad Houses in ten cities.

Victor Center works in partnership with healthcare professionals, clergy, and the community to sponsor education programs and college campus out reach.

So just in case you’re stuck in the house this Chol HaMoed – because there’s a new baby or because someone has a cold – not because of anything worse, here are six ideas for family fun at home.

We are told that someone who says that God’s mercy extends to a bird’s nest should be silenced.

Our harps have 22 strings. This gives musicians a wide musical range and yet stays within Biblical parameters.

More Articles from Moishe Herskowitz
Herskowitz-Moishe-NEW

In fact Hashem sets up couples that have opposite traits as an opportunity for each to help, learn, and heal the other.

Herskowitz-Moishe-NEW

Your husband seems to have experienced what we have described as the Ambivalent Attachment.

Many times when a couple is arguing they may, unconsciously, trigger childhood anger. So much so, that if we would stop and listen to what they are arguing about, it would sounds like two eight year olds fighting in the back yard.

In my last article I had mentioned that often one of the symptoms of autophobia, a fear of abandonment, is that as adults people suffering with this condition may become extremely sensitive to rejection.

In part one (Family Issues 04-29-2011) we mentioned that often a symptom of the anxiety disorder, the fear of abandonment, is a strong need to be in control. That is because the person suffering from the disorder has lost someone in their past – due to separation, divorce or death – and may unconsciously blame themselves for the desertion.

The fear of abandonment, also known as autophobia, is an anxiety disorder characterized by an acute fear of being alone. Often, one of the symptoms of this particular anxiety is a strong need to be in control. This is because one has previously lost someone close through separation, divorce or death and may unconsciously blames his or herself for the event. When this happens, any type of separation may traumatize the person, even the marriage of his or her own child can be viewed as a life-threatening event.

The following was a letter sent as a response to the article, “Children of Shame” (02-04-2011). The article addressed the fact that children learn at a very young age to disconnect their feelings as a mechanism to end their feelings of shame. As these children become adults, they find it difficult to reconnect those out of fear that once again they will feel the pain of shame.

Children who grew up feeling shameful for the most part will have also grown up without someone to talk to about how it made them feel.

Shame is one of the most destructive feelings there is. It is a feeling that something is wrong within us and has a negative affect on a child’s self-development.

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/family/marriage-relationships/please-dont-leave-me/2004/08/13/

Scan this QR code to visit this page online: