web analytics
September 17, 2014 / 22 Elul, 5774
At a Glance
Sections
Sponsored Post
Apartment 758x530 Africa-Israel at the Israel Real Estate Exhibition in New York

Africa Israel Residences, part of the Africa Israel Investments Group led by international businessman Lev Leviev, will present 7 leading projects on the The Israel Real Estate Exhibition in New York on Sep 14-15, 2014.



‘Please Don’t Leave Me!’


Herskowitz-Moishe

The Torah tells us that we are put onto this world to give, not just to take, as difficult as this may seem for some people. Married life provides a unique opportunity to give to another person. When husband and wife are willing to give whatever it takes to make each other happy, they will move onto the next stage called “love.” This is where the Shechina (Divine Presence) rests.

For some couples it may take months, for others, years, for this process to take place, if they are willing to work on their marriage. In many cases, Hashem challenges couples with “shock waves” they never anticipated, in order to prove to them that they truly do love each other and can be worthy of shalom bayis (marital harmony).

My last article presented a letter written by a client of mine who is currently serving a prison sentence. His wife wants to divorce him, but he is very remorseful for both his crime, and for his former neglectful, irresponsible treatment of his family. He begged her for another chance to prove himself.

The following is a response by a Jewish Press reader:

Dear Husband In Prison;

The following is my reply to your letter in the 7/30 issue:

I find myself in a similar situation. I too committed a serious crime and am waiting with baited breath for my sentencing (yet to be determined). You don’t indicate in your letter how long your sentence is, so I assume that it is less than one year.

I was an upstanding citizen, well known in my community for volunteering, giving interest free loans, and supporting worthy causes. My husband and I were known to all tzedaka collectors as ones who gave generously. So what went wrong? I too was taken in by greed, thinking I could give my family a better life. Never once did I think of the repercussions of what I was doing.

What I have done (should it be made public) will cause disgrace to my children, parents, and in-laws. We will have to move from the community. The damage I have caused is unfathomable. I will have to make restitution, pay penalties, legal fees, and face possible prison time. All the penalties far outweigh the amount I profited.

My husband had no idea of what I was doing. When I decided to confide in him (after I went to the FBI), he was very upset (to say the least), shocked, disappointed and hurt. Yet, he was supportive of me at the same time. The most important thing to him was keeping the family together, since we have young children at home.

I am now working with a therapist to find out why I caused such damage. I am also working on ensuring that nothing like this will ever happen again. I have become withdrawn, have lost a lot of weight, and am short tempered. I have no patience for my children or my friends’ chit-chat. I don’t wallow in self-pity, as I have caused this situation myself.

At times, I feel it is unfair to my husband to have to go through this with me. He is innocent and should go on with his life. He deserves a wife he can be proud of. My kids deserve a role model and mom they can look up to. But no, he has decided that we married for better or worse, that my behavior is not reflective of the person he married, and that through professional therapy, he will have the best wife possible once I am cured. I know he will have a wife who will be forever indebted to him for allowing me a second chance and believing in me. I know I won’t disappoint him.

To your wife… if you have children at home, please give him a second chance. Please believe that through therapy, he can be cured. It sounds as though he is on the right path. But, it takes two people. Speak to his therapist and try to work things out together. Was he forced to commit his crime to support your needs for luxuries? Were you unaware of his actions? Was he a good father and husband beside this? I hope you have the same strength my husband has, and that you see your husband for the man you fell in love with and married, not as the sick person he is today.

About the Author: Moishe Herskowitz, MS., LCSW, developed the T.E.A.M. (Torah Education & Awareness for a better Marriage). As a licensed clinical social worker and renowned family therapist, he guides new couples through easy-to-accomplish steps towards a happy, healthy marriage. He can be reached at CPCMoishe@aol.com or 718-435-7388.


If you don't see your comment after publishing it, refresh the page.

Our comments section is intended for meaningful responses and debates in a civilized manner. We ask that you respect the fact that we are a religious Jewish website and avoid inappropriate language at all cost.

If you promote any foreign religions, gods or messiahs, lies about Israel, anti-Semitism, or advocate violence (except against terrorists), your permission to comment may be revoked.

No Responses to “‘Please Don’t Leave Me!’”

Comments are closed.

SocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

Current Top Story
Gidon Saar Resignation Announcement
Minister Gidon Saar Unexpectedly Announces Resignation
Latest Sections Stories
Ganz-091214-Fifty

Today, fifty years and six million (!) people later, Israel is truly a different world.

Goldberg-091214

There will always be items that don’t freeze well – salads and some rice- or potato-based dishes – so you need to leave time to prepare or cook them closer to Yom Tov and ensure there is enough room in the refrigerator to store them.

Women's under-trousers, Uzbekistan, early 20th century

In Uzbekistan, in the early twentieth century, it was the women who wore the pants.

This is an important one in raising a mentsch (and maybe even in marrying off a mentsch! listening skills are on the top of the list when I do shidduch coaching).

While multitasking is not ideal, it is often necessary and unavoidable.

Maybe now that your kids are back in school, you should start cleaning for Pesach.

The interpreter was expected to be a talmid chacham himself and be able to also offer explanations and clarifications to the students.

“When Frank does something he does it well and you don’t have to worry about dotting the i’s or crossing the t’s.”

“On Sunday I was at the Kotel with the battalion and we said a prayer of thanks. In Gaza there were so many moments of death that I had to thank God that I’m alive. Only then did I realize how frightening it had been there.”

Neglect, indifference or criticism can break a person’s neshama.

It’s fair to say that we all know or have someone in our family who is divorced.

The assumption of a shared kinship is based on being part of the human race. Life is so much easier to figure out when everyone thinks the same way.

Various other learning opportunities will be offered to the community throughout the year.

More Articles from Moishe Herskowitz
Herskowitz-Moishe-NEW

In fact Hashem sets up couples that have opposite traits as an opportunity for each to help, learn, and heal the other.

Herskowitz-Moishe-NEW

Your husband seems to have experienced what we have described as the Ambivalent Attachment.

Many times when a couple is arguing they may, unconsciously, trigger childhood anger. So much so, that if we would stop and listen to what they are arguing about, it would sounds like two eight year olds fighting in the back yard.

In my last article I had mentioned that often one of the symptoms of autophobia, a fear of abandonment, is that as adults people suffering with this condition may become extremely sensitive to rejection.

In part one (Family Issues 04-29-2011) we mentioned that often a symptom of the anxiety disorder, the fear of abandonment, is a strong need to be in control. That is because the person suffering from the disorder has lost someone in their past – due to separation, divorce or death – and may unconsciously blame themselves for the desertion.

The fear of abandonment, also known as autophobia, is an anxiety disorder characterized by an acute fear of being alone. Often, one of the symptoms of this particular anxiety is a strong need to be in control. This is because one has previously lost someone close through separation, divorce or death and may unconsciously blames his or herself for the event. When this happens, any type of separation may traumatize the person, even the marriage of his or her own child can be viewed as a life-threatening event.

The following was a letter sent as a response to the article, “Children of Shame” (02-04-2011). The article addressed the fact that children learn at a very young age to disconnect their feelings as a mechanism to end their feelings of shame. As these children become adults, they find it difficult to reconnect those out of fear that once again they will feel the pain of shame.

Children who grew up feeling shameful for the most part will have also grown up without someone to talk to about how it made them feel.

Shame is one of the most destructive feelings there is. It is a feeling that something is wrong within us and has a negative affect on a child’s self-development.

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/family/marriage-relationships/please-dont-leave-me/2004/08/13/

Scan this QR code to visit this page online: