web analytics
September 19, 2014 / 24 Elul, 5774
At a Glance
Sections
Sponsored Post
Apartment 758x530 Africa-Israel at the Israel Real Estate Exhibition in New York

Africa Israel Residences, part of the Africa Israel Investments Group led by international businessman Lev Leviev, will present 7 leading projects on the The Israel Real Estate Exhibition in New York on Sep 14-15, 2014.



Prisoners Of The Past


Herskowitz-Moishe

As a child you had two basic needs. One was to be happy and loved, and the second was for your parents to be happy and loved. If you grew up and these emotional needs were not met, then your unconscious mind seeks a partner to help you meet those needs. The process will take place by recreating your childhood wounds in your present marriage. This way you can finish unfinished emotional business and move on with your life. By giving each other unconditional love, the two neshamos can provide the emotional energy that’s needed to heal each other. The process happens so discretely, that most couples are not aware of what is happening to them.

As one young couple said to me, “Something hurts but I don’t know what.” As in so many cases, one partner wants to get close and the other wants to be left alone. The one that wants to be left alone starts to get angry and critical. The one that wants to get close starts to feel alone and scared. They both want to be loved, but they don’t know how. It seems as if the closer they get the more they argue. In most cases the couple will find someone to say, “You’re just not compatible.”

This is not true; deep down they know that they are compatible, because they both need what the other one does not have. Inside, they are both very frightened and lost. As a result they will put up an emotional wall to protect themselves from any further pain. The emotional energy Hashem has provided for them to heal each other will be drained and used to hide their true feelings of anger, hurt and fear.

Love Principal #1

Hashem chooses the partner you’re with, so that you can heal each other and complete unfinished business from childhood. I recall a young newlywed telling me how careful she was not to marry anyone who drinks. She remembered what her father’s drinking did to her mother, and how it affected the family. She was in shock to find out that right after sheva brachos her new husband started drinking!

In T.E.A.M, a program I designed three years ago, we call this process P.O.P. — “Prisoners of the Past.” Most couples panic at this stage and file for divorce, in hopes of breaking free. There is an expression in the Gemara that states “A prisoner cannot free himself.” In marital relationships this is very true. The only way you can be free, is by giving love the way your partner wants to be loved, not the way you want to be loved.

During a Friday night shiur, my rav, Rabbi Wosner, shilta, shared an amazing story with me that took place in Israel recently. A young man wanting very much to have children came to a rav in Israel for a bracha. He started crying that he and his wife tried everything, and with all the testing and medication, they still have not been able to conceive. The rav responded that he was sorry but nothing he could do would help. As the young man was leaving in tears, the rav suddenly said “Wait! I have an idea. I can’t do anything, but perhaps you can! Listen carefully. I have a son and just as you, he has been trying to have a baby, and for many years nothing has helped. I want the both of you and your wives to team up as partners, and pray for the other, not for yourselves! I must tell you that this will be the most difficult challenge of your lifetime. This can work, because you each have the same need — what the other does not have. By nature, you will shift back and start to ask for yourself. If this should happen, and it will, just yell out ‘stop!’ and continue praying for the other one. Please keep in mind that by giving you will be getting.” They took the rav’s advice and within the year, both couples had babies.

The T.E.A.M approach teaches couples how to give love and feel loved, not by taking but by giving. If you’re willing to take on the challenge, as a team, any couple can build shalom bayis.

About the Author: Moishe Herskowitz, MS., LCSW, developed the T.E.A.M. (Torah Education & Awareness for a better Marriage). As a licensed clinical social worker and renowned family therapist, he guides new couples through easy-to-accomplish steps towards a happy, healthy marriage. He can be reached at CPCMoishe@aol.com or 718-435-7388.


If you don't see your comment after publishing it, refresh the page.

Our comments section is intended for meaningful responses and debates in a civilized manner. We ask that you respect the fact that we are a religious Jewish website and avoid inappropriate language at all cost.

If you promote any foreign religions, gods or messiahs, lies about Israel, anti-Semitism, or advocate violence (except against terrorists), your permission to comment may be revoked.

No Responses to “Prisoners Of The Past”

Comments are closed.

SocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

Current Top Story
Sen. Ted Cruz acts senate for unanimous consent to pass the Expatriate Terrorist Act. Sept. 18, 2014.
Ds Reject Voting to Strip Citizenship From US Jihadi ISIS Volunteers
Latest Sections Stories
A-Night-Out-logo

While we all go to restaurants for a good meal, it is dessert, that final taste that lingers in your mouth, that is the crown jewel of any dining experience and Six Thirteen’s offerings did not disappoint.

Today, fifty years and six million (!) people later, Israel is truly a different world.

There will always be items that don’t freeze well – salads and some rice- or potato-based dishes – so you need to leave time to prepare or cook them closer to Yom Tov and ensure there is enough room in the refrigerator to store them.

In Uzbekistan, in the early twentieth century, it was the women who wore the pants.

This is an important one in raising a mentsch (and maybe even in marrying off a mentsch! listening skills are on the top of the list when I do shidduch coaching).

While multitasking is not ideal, it is often necessary and unavoidable.

Maybe now that your kids are back in school, you should start cleaning for Pesach.

The interpreter was expected to be a talmid chacham himself and be able to also offer explanations and clarifications to the students.

“When Frank does something he does it well and you don’t have to worry about dotting the i’s or crossing the t’s.”

“On Sunday I was at the Kotel with the battalion and we said a prayer of thanks. In Gaza there were so many moments of death that I had to thank God that I’m alive. Only then did I realize how frightening it had been there.”

Neglect, indifference or criticism can break a person’s neshama.

It’s fair to say that we all know or have someone in our family who is divorced.

More Articles from Moishe Herskowitz
Herskowitz-Moishe-NEW

In fact Hashem sets up couples that have opposite traits as an opportunity for each to help, learn, and heal the other.

Herskowitz-Moishe-NEW

Your husband seems to have experienced what we have described as the Ambivalent Attachment.

Many times when a couple is arguing they may, unconsciously, trigger childhood anger. So much so, that if we would stop and listen to what they are arguing about, it would sounds like two eight year olds fighting in the back yard.

In my last article I had mentioned that often one of the symptoms of autophobia, a fear of abandonment, is that as adults people suffering with this condition may become extremely sensitive to rejection.

In part one (Family Issues 04-29-2011) we mentioned that often a symptom of the anxiety disorder, the fear of abandonment, is a strong need to be in control. That is because the person suffering from the disorder has lost someone in their past – due to separation, divorce or death – and may unconsciously blame themselves for the desertion.

The fear of abandonment, also known as autophobia, is an anxiety disorder characterized by an acute fear of being alone. Often, one of the symptoms of this particular anxiety is a strong need to be in control. This is because one has previously lost someone close through separation, divorce or death and may unconsciously blames his or herself for the event. When this happens, any type of separation may traumatize the person, even the marriage of his or her own child can be viewed as a life-threatening event.

The following was a letter sent as a response to the article, “Children of Shame” (02-04-2011). The article addressed the fact that children learn at a very young age to disconnect their feelings as a mechanism to end their feelings of shame. As these children become adults, they find it difficult to reconnect those out of fear that once again they will feel the pain of shame.

Children who grew up feeling shameful for the most part will have also grown up without someone to talk to about how it made them feel.

Shame is one of the most destructive feelings there is. It is a feeling that something is wrong within us and has a negative affect on a child’s self-development.

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/family/marriage-relationships/prisoners-of-the-past/2006/01/06/

Scan this QR code to visit this page online: