As we come to the end of our series of articles titled “who am I”, I would like to devote this last set of preferences, Judging Vs Perceiving, to singles. If you recall, about a year ago I wrote an article titled Commitment Phobic (www.cpcteam.org). It was based on the fact that people are not the same. We have different energy levels, make decisions based on different criteria, depending on what makes us most comfortable. The focus was on Perceiving types a personality that likes to keeps their options open as long as possible.
I would like to focus our attention on the Judging type. This is a preference that often gives us the most tension. Judging types like things to be settled; finished and out of the way; the complete opposite of the Perceiving types. They want the tension off their minds. Everyone uses both Judging and Perceiving at least some of the time, but the one that’s used most automatically and naturally is the one preferred.
Judging people prefer to live in a planned, orderly way. They make decisions, come to closure, and move on. Their lifestyle is structured and organized, and they like to have things settled. Sticking to a plan and schedule is very important to them, and they enjoy their ability to get things done.
Characteristics of most judging people:
Scheduled Organized Systematic Methodical (all or nothing) Plan Like closure-to have things decided
Most people are balanced between Judging and Perceiving, somewhat like a ratio of 50/50 or 60/40, that we use naturally. But when the Judging type is not balanced and the scale is tipped too much to one side, the ratio will now reflect a balance of 90% Judging to 10% Perceiving. What this means in plain English is that meeting new people will not be easy for this Judging Single – a term often used for some one who is not flexible and may come to closure much to quickly. They are split in their decisions in an “all or nothing” out look on who they want for a possible mate.
When I was single my friends and I would go up to the country for Shabbos to meet other singles. Friday night at the Hotel made us nervous, because after the meal we were expected to just start talking to every body we wanted to meet. Which by the way was ok, except for the fact that most of the girls were in pairs of two which, for my friends and I was a problem. How could we talk to one girl and not the other? How would she feel, and where would she go? So we decided as a group, that we would wait until the next day when things would calm down. Our plan was that during the Kiddush we would have more of an opportunity to meet the other singles. But the next day to our surprise, the other singles were gone and no where to be found. What had happened was that many of the girls that were there Friday night decided that there was no one at the hotel to meet. With that thought in mind they stayed in their rooms the entire day, and went home Sunday morning after breakfast. These Judging singles left without a clue as to how many people wanted to meet them. In working with singles and married couples, an awareness of type preferences creates the greatest challenge for rebalancing and satisfying relationships. I feel that any single or married couple that is willing to put forth the effort, will be Zocheh to build a Bayis Ne’emon B’yisrael.
Moishe Herskowitz MS., LCSW, developed the T.E.A.M. (Torah Education & Awareness for a better Marriage) approach based on 20 successful years of counseling couples – helping them to communicate effectively and fully appreciate each other. As a licensed and highly certified social worker and renowned family therapist, he developed this breakthrough seminar to guide new couples through easy-to-accomplish steps towards a happy, healthy marriage. Moishe Herskowitz holds a certificate from the Brooklyn Institute for Psychotherapy and Psychoanalysis in couples and marriage therapy. He is an active member of the New York Counseling Association for marriage and family counseling. Mr. Herskowitz can be reached at 718-435-7388.