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October 24, 2016 / 22 Tishri, 5777
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Shalom Bayis At All Cost

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Dear Dr. Yael:

I have an amazing story to share about my parents. With all the miracles of Pesach, this family story is a miracle.

About 18 years ago, when one of my brothers was getting engaged, my parents went to his future kallah’s house to meet her parents. Sitting in their dining room, my parents immediately saw in their impending machatanim’s silver shrank all of their precious, valuable silver and treasured family heirlooms that were stolen from them a number of years earlier in a robbery.

My parents were shaking, and began to ask where certain items were bought. They started with a silver box that my father gave to my mother when he presented a diamond ring to her. Then they asked about various pieces that they knew were one of a kind. The future machatanim finally realized that something was very wrong and asked why they were asking these questions.

After more talk, it became apparent that the future machatanim bought all of these items for very little money at a public auction. Feeling very uncomfortable, the kallah’s father put all of the silver items into shopping bags and said to my parents, “Here, these are gifts from us to you. We will not be able to sleep knowing that we have all these precious things that actually belong to you.” My parents insisted on paying for the items but their soon-to-be machatanim refused the offer. (Knowing my parents, they probably found a way to pay their future machatanim for their precious stolen treasures.)

To this day, all the returned items remain in my parent’s possession. Baruch Hashem, this was the beginning of a very close and wonderful relationship between my parents and these machatanim – one that continues until today.

What is so amazing is that my parents could not believe that the girl that my brother chose to marry actually brought with her treasures that mean so much to them. Getting back these meaningful items still gives them an unbelievable feeling.

As we relive the Pesach miracle every year at this time, I am confident that this personal miracle is an exciting one for Jewish Press readers to appreciate. The way my parents’ machatanim dealt with this situation demonstrates their exemplary middos. I hope that we can all learn to deal with challenging situations in this manner.

Unfortunately I know of so many machatanim that fight and in the process destroy their children’s marriages. People often fight about ridiculous things. I hope this story inspires machatanim to try to get along for the sake of their children and grandchildren. Peaceful family relationships help build great marriages.

I hope my letter inspires shalom. Thank you.

An Anonymous Reader

Dear Anonymous Reader:

Thank you so much for your inspiring letter.

It is true that machatanim sometimes fight over unimportant issues. This makes it challenging when two families become blended. Both families have their own ideas and needs, and when they join together to marry off their children they sometimes disagree over wedding details or over hashkafic matters. Of course if it is a halachic or hashkafic issue, the individuals should consult with daas Torah.

If all parties in a marriage situation have the mindset of wanting to get along with the machatanim, the marriage will likely begin with feelings of love and warmth – instead of feelings of discomfort and anger. During marriage counseling I often ask the couple what is more important, being right or getting along. Most couples favor the latter, even if their actions state otherwise. The same is true in a relationship among machatanim, whereby the same question should be asked.

In the machatanim relationship, no one will remember what flowers were at the wedding, what the color scheme was, or how much money each side contributed. But if there is fighting, feelings of anger and resentment will be remembered for many subsequent years. Ideally, both the chassan’s and kallah’s sides should enter into a marriage with the mindset that all that matters is getting along. This will contribute to a loving and warm connection between the families.

Even if one side is more argumentative or more difficult than the other, the more compliant side can still act in a manner that will help the couple feel that loving and warm connection. Of course that would mean that one side is mostly acquiescing, which can foster some feelings of resentment. But if that side can rise to a greater level of character and give in so as to ensure a loving relationship, the relationship can become one of warmth and positive feelings. In most cases when one side is giving and easygoing, the other side eventually comes along.

Dr. Yael Respler

About the Author: Dr. Yael Respler is a psychotherapist in private practice who provides marital, dating and family counseling. Dr. Respler also deals with problems relating to marital intimacy. Letters may be emailed to deardryael@aol.com. To schedule an appointment, please call 917-751-4887. Dr. Orit Respler-Herman, a child psychologist, co-authors this column and is now in private practice providing complete pychological evaluations as well as child and adolescent therapy. She can be reached at 917-679-1612. Previous columns can be viewed at www.jewishpress.com and archives of Dr. Respler’s radio shows can be found at www.dryaelrespler.com.

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