web analytics
September 2, 2014 / 7 Elul, 5774
At a Glance
Sections
Sponsored Post
Jerusalem Mayor Nir Barkat (L) visits the JewishPress.com booth at The Event. And the Winners of the JewishPress.com Raffle Are…

Congratulations to all the winners of the JewishPress.com raffle at The Event



Shalom Bayis At All Cost

Respler-032913

Dear Dr. Yael:

I have an amazing story to share about my parents. With all the miracles of Pesach, this family story is a miracle.

About 18 years ago, when one of my brothers was getting engaged, my parents went to his future kallah’s house to meet her parents. Sitting in their dining room, my parents immediately saw in their impending machatanim’s silver shrank all of their precious, valuable silver and treasured family heirlooms that were stolen from them a number of years earlier in a robbery.

My parents were shaking, and began to ask where certain items were bought. They started with a silver box that my father gave to my mother when he presented a diamond ring to her. Then they asked about various pieces that they knew were one of a kind. The future machatanim finally realized that something was very wrong and asked why they were asking these questions.

After more talk, it became apparent that the future machatanim bought all of these items for very little money at a public auction. Feeling very uncomfortable, the kallah’s father put all of the silver items into shopping bags and said to my parents, “Here, these are gifts from us to you. We will not be able to sleep knowing that we have all these precious things that actually belong to you.” My parents insisted on paying for the items but their soon-to-be machatanim refused the offer. (Knowing my parents, they probably found a way to pay their future machatanim for their precious stolen treasures.)

To this day, all the returned items remain in my parent’s possession. Baruch Hashem, this was the beginning of a very close and wonderful relationship between my parents and these machatanim – one that continues until today.

What is so amazing is that my parents could not believe that the girl that my brother chose to marry actually brought with her treasures that mean so much to them. Getting back these meaningful items still gives them an unbelievable feeling.

As we relive the Pesach miracle every year at this time, I am confident that this personal miracle is an exciting one for Jewish Press readers to appreciate. The way my parents’ machatanim dealt with this situation demonstrates their exemplary middos. I hope that we can all learn to deal with challenging situations in this manner.

Unfortunately I know of so many machatanim that fight and in the process destroy their children’s marriages. People often fight about ridiculous things. I hope this story inspires machatanim to try to get along for the sake of their children and grandchildren. Peaceful family relationships help build great marriages.

I hope my letter inspires shalom. Thank you.

An Anonymous Reader

Dear Anonymous Reader:

Thank you so much for your inspiring letter.

It is true that machatanim sometimes fight over unimportant issues. This makes it challenging when two families become blended. Both families have their own ideas and needs, and when they join together to marry off their children they sometimes disagree over wedding details or over hashkafic matters. Of course if it is a halachic or hashkafic issue, the individuals should consult with daas Torah.

If all parties in a marriage situation have the mindset of wanting to get along with the machatanim, the marriage will likely begin with feelings of love and warmth – instead of feelings of discomfort and anger. During marriage counseling I often ask the couple what is more important, being right or getting along. Most couples favor the latter, even if their actions state otherwise. The same is true in a relationship among machatanim, whereby the same question should be asked.

In the machatanim relationship, no one will remember what flowers were at the wedding, what the color scheme was, or how much money each side contributed. But if there is fighting, feelings of anger and resentment will be remembered for many subsequent years. Ideally, both the chassan’s and kallah’s sides should enter into a marriage with the mindset that all that matters is getting along. This will contribute to a loving and warm connection between the families.

Even if one side is more argumentative or more difficult than the other, the more compliant side can still act in a manner that will help the couple feel that loving and warm connection. Of course that would mean that one side is mostly acquiescing, which can foster some feelings of resentment. But if that side can rise to a greater level of character and give in so as to ensure a loving relationship, the relationship can become one of warmth and positive feelings. In most cases when one side is giving and easygoing, the other side eventually comes along.

A story is told of a famous rabbi who had a different policy at every wedding that he made for his children. For example, he would walk one child down the aisle with his wife while for another child he would walk the chassan down the aisle with his mechutan (his wife would walk the kallah down the aisle with her machatenista).

One day someone asked him why he had a different policy for each chassanah. The rabbi answered that he did whatever his machatanim wanted for the sake of shalom.

Let us all learn from the rabbi and the families involved in this story. Their example of giving to each other is to be emulated, especially since it was the beginning of a new and unknown relationship. It is integral to teach young couples the important things in life and to set an example for them of a comfortable and loving relationship.

As I wish hatzlachah to those planning a wedding, I urge them to remember that the most valuable thing during the planning is the positive relationships that are formed. They should try to not lose sight of the eventual goal, namely a positive and loving marriage.

I wish you and all Jewish Press readers a chag kasher v’sameach.

About the Author:


If you don't see your comment after publishing it, refresh the page.

Our comments section is intended for meaningful responses and debates in a civilized manner. We ask that you respect the fact that we are a religious Jewish website and avoid inappropriate language at all cost.

If you promote any foreign religions, gods or messiahs, lies about Israel, anti-Semitism, or advocate violence (except against terrorists), your permission to comment may be revoked.

No Responses to “Shalom Bayis At All Cost”

Comments are closed.

SocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

Current Top Story
Police set up roadblocks throughout the Sharon region and beyond to track down terrorists believed to have infiltrated the area.
Arab Terrorist Attack Foiled Near Netanya
Latest Sections Stories
LBJ-082914

What better proof do we need than the recent war with Hamas in Gaza, dubbed “Operation Protective Edge,” that transformed the pain and suffering of three families into a sense of unparalleled unity and outpouring of love of the entire nation of Israel?

Katzman-082914

So many families are mourning, and all along we mourned with them.

Astaire-082914

In addition to his great erudition, Rabi Akiva was known for his optimism.

Kupfer-082914-Chuppah

She told me that she was busy and that he could sit in his wet clothes for the rest of the day. It would teach him to be more careful.

What can we do to help him stop feeling so sad all the time?

Children with dyslexia or dysgraphia frequently have problems in social relationships.

Israel’s neighbors engaged in hostilities from the onset. The War of Independence was a hard-won battle. Aggression and enmity has followed for 66 years.

The contest will include student-created sculpture, computer graphic design, collage, videography, PowerPoint and painting.

David, an 8-year-old boy on the autism spectrum, recently attended a Friendship Circle event. As he entered he told his Dad, “I love coming to the FC programs ‘cause everyone loves each other.”

Goldsmith himself went on his own “voyage of discovery” to the places where his grandfather and uncle landed and were sent.

Frank proclaimed himself Zvi’s successor and the reincarnation of King David.

You’re probably wondering why the greatest advocate of fast and easy preps in the kitchen is talking about layer cakes, right?

Almost immediately the audience began singing and clapping and continued almost without stop throughout the rest of the concert.

As of late, vintage has definitely been in vogue in the Orthodox community.

More Articles from Dr. Yael Respler
Respler-082914

What can we do to help him stop feeling so sad all the time?

Respler-Yael

Perhaps you can reach a compromise during this news frenzy, whereby you will feel more comfortable while he can still follow the latest events.

There could be no Jewish-themed books and, as such, the lack of knowledge these boys displayed in regards to many of the topics we read about was clear.

Upon hearing that he did, the owner sent him the atarah – all shiny and new – to be returned to me. I was reunited with my father’s precious gift.

A prominent shadchan recently articulated a dilemma she’s facing.

The real solution to bullying is to empower the bullied child.

My teachers like me and they tell my parents that I am a great girl with good middos.

Some yeshivish couples do not believe in going out with other couples, but that does not mean that the women cannot have social lives.

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/family/marriage-relationships/shalom-bayis-at-all-cost/2013/03/28/

Scan this QR code to visit this page online: