web analytics
April 19, 2014 / 19 Nisan, 5774
At a Glance
Sections
Sponsored Post
Spa 1.2 Combining Modern Living in Traditional Jerusalem

A unique and prestigious residential project in now being built in Mekor Haim Street in Jerusalem.



Shalom Bayis At All Cost

Respler-032913

Share Button

Dear Dr. Yael:

I have an amazing story to share about my parents. With all the miracles of Pesach, this family story is a miracle.

About 18 years ago, when one of my brothers was getting engaged, my parents went to his future kallah’s house to meet her parents. Sitting in their dining room, my parents immediately saw in their impending machatanim’s silver shrank all of their precious, valuable silver and treasured family heirlooms that were stolen from them a number of years earlier in a robbery.

My parents were shaking, and began to ask where certain items were bought. They started with a silver box that my father gave to my mother when he presented a diamond ring to her. Then they asked about various pieces that they knew were one of a kind. The future machatanim finally realized that something was very wrong and asked why they were asking these questions.

After more talk, it became apparent that the future machatanim bought all of these items for very little money at a public auction. Feeling very uncomfortable, the kallah’s father put all of the silver items into shopping bags and said to my parents, “Here, these are gifts from us to you. We will not be able to sleep knowing that we have all these precious things that actually belong to you.” My parents insisted on paying for the items but their soon-to-be machatanim refused the offer. (Knowing my parents, they probably found a way to pay their future machatanim for their precious stolen treasures.)

To this day, all the returned items remain in my parent’s possession. Baruch Hashem, this was the beginning of a very close and wonderful relationship between my parents and these machatanim – one that continues until today.

What is so amazing is that my parents could not believe that the girl that my brother chose to marry actually brought with her treasures that mean so much to them. Getting back these meaningful items still gives them an unbelievable feeling.

As we relive the Pesach miracle every year at this time, I am confident that this personal miracle is an exciting one for Jewish Press readers to appreciate. The way my parents’ machatanim dealt with this situation demonstrates their exemplary middos. I hope that we can all learn to deal with challenging situations in this manner.

Unfortunately I know of so many machatanim that fight and in the process destroy their children’s marriages. People often fight about ridiculous things. I hope this story inspires machatanim to try to get along for the sake of their children and grandchildren. Peaceful family relationships help build great marriages.

I hope my letter inspires shalom. Thank you.

An Anonymous Reader

Dear Anonymous Reader:

Thank you so much for your inspiring letter.

It is true that machatanim sometimes fight over unimportant issues. This makes it challenging when two families become blended. Both families have their own ideas and needs, and when they join together to marry off their children they sometimes disagree over wedding details or over hashkafic matters. Of course if it is a halachic or hashkafic issue, the individuals should consult with daas Torah.

If all parties in a marriage situation have the mindset of wanting to get along with the machatanim, the marriage will likely begin with feelings of love and warmth – instead of feelings of discomfort and anger. During marriage counseling I often ask the couple what is more important, being right or getting along. Most couples favor the latter, even if their actions state otherwise. The same is true in a relationship among machatanim, whereby the same question should be asked.

In the machatanim relationship, no one will remember what flowers were at the wedding, what the color scheme was, or how much money each side contributed. But if there is fighting, feelings of anger and resentment will be remembered for many subsequent years. Ideally, both the chassan’s and kallah’s sides should enter into a marriage with the mindset that all that matters is getting along. This will contribute to a loving and warm connection between the families.

Even if one side is more argumentative or more difficult than the other, the more compliant side can still act in a manner that will help the couple feel that loving and warm connection. Of course that would mean that one side is mostly acquiescing, which can foster some feelings of resentment. But if that side can rise to a greater level of character and give in so as to ensure a loving relationship, the relationship can become one of warmth and positive feelings. In most cases when one side is giving and easygoing, the other side eventually comes along.

A story is told of a famous rabbi who had a different policy at every wedding that he made for his children. For example, he would walk one child down the aisle with his wife while for another child he would walk the chassan down the aisle with his mechutan (his wife would walk the kallah down the aisle with her machatenista).

One day someone asked him why he had a different policy for each chassanah. The rabbi answered that he did whatever his machatanim wanted for the sake of shalom.

Let us all learn from the rabbi and the families involved in this story. Their example of giving to each other is to be emulated, especially since it was the beginning of a new and unknown relationship. It is integral to teach young couples the important things in life and to set an example for them of a comfortable and loving relationship.

As I wish hatzlachah to those planning a wedding, I urge them to remember that the most valuable thing during the planning is the positive relationships that are formed. They should try to not lose sight of the eventual goal, namely a positive and loving marriage.

I wish you and all Jewish Press readers a chag kasher v’sameach.

Share Button

About the Author:


If you don't see your comment after publishing it, refresh the page.

Our comments section is intended for meaningful responses and debates in a civilized manner. We ask that you respect the fact that we are a religious Jewish website and avoid inappropriate language at all cost.

No Responses to “Shalom Bayis At All Cost”

Comments are closed.

SocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

Current Top Story
FBI Wanted poster for Osama bin Laden
Pakistan Library Renamed to Honor bin Laden
Latest Sections Stories
Schonfeld-logo1

Regardless of age, parents play an important role in their children’s lives.

Marriage-Relationship-logo

We peel away one layer after the next, our eyes tear up and it becomes harder and harder to see as we get closer to our innermost insecurities and fears.

Gorsky-041814-Torah

Some Mountain Jews believe they are descendents of the Ten Lost Tribes and were exiled to Azerbaijan and Dagestan by Sancheriv.

Baim-041814-Piggy

Yom Tov is about spending time with your family. And while for some families the big once-in-a-lifetime experience is great, for others something low key is the way to go.

A fascinating glimpse into the rich complexity of medieval Jewish life and its contemporary relevance had intriguingly emerged.

Dear Dr. Yael:

My heart is breaking; my husband’s friend has gotten divorced. While this type of situation is always sad, here I do believe it could have been avoided.

The plan’s goal is to provide supportive housing to 200 individuals with disabilities by the year 2020.

Despite being one of the fastest-growing Jewish communities in the U.S. – the estimated Jewish population is 70-80,000 – Las Vegas has long been overlooked by much of the Torah world.

She was followed by the shadows of the Six Million, by the ever so subtle awareness of their vanished presence.

Pesach is so liberating (if you excuse the expression). It’s the only time I can eat anywhere in the house, guilt free! Matzah in bed!

Now all the pain, fear and struggle were over and they were home. Yuli was safe and free, a hero returned to his land and people.

While it would seem from his question that he is being chuzpadik and dismissive, I wonder if its possible, if just maybe, he is a struggling, confused neshama who actually wants to come back to the fold.

I agree with the letter writer that a shadchan should respectfully and graciously accept a negative response to a shidduch offer.

Alternative assessments are an extremely important part of understanding what students know beyond the scope of tests and quizzes.

More Articles from Dr. Yael Respler
Respler-041814

Dear Dr. Yael:

My heart is breaking; my husband’s friend has gotten divorced. While this type of situation is always sad, here I do believe it could have been avoided.

Respler-041114

I agree with the letter writer that a shadchan should respectfully and graciously accept a negative response to a shidduch offer.

By employing this new countermove, the scenario will likely change.

I bring the results of this study to demonstrate that although in a frum world we should rise above the gashmius, unfortunately, we still live in a secular world in which we are affected by that gashmius.

It is a shame that when one sincerely wishes to help another person, he or she often must avoid telling the truth.

Dear Anonymous:

Thank you for your amazing letter. I wish you hatzlachah in your new marriage, and may your letter bring more sensitivity to others regarding this issue.

JetBlue flew an empty aircraft from Boston to JFK to assist us. The care and concern of the flight attendants was amazing. They were astounded by our group, so much so that at the end of the flight, the captain related for all to hear that he was truly impressed by the care that the HASC counselors provided for the special-needs campers – all of whom have physical, mental, or emotional disabilities. We did our best to demonstrate a true kiddush Hashem.

I had a great figure and dressed well, but the only thing wrong with me was that I had a very long nose with a huge bump.

    Latest Poll

    Now that Kerry's "Peace Talks" are apparently over, are you...?







    View Results

    Loading ... Loading ...

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/family/marriage-relationships/shalom-bayis-at-all-cost/2013/03/28/

Scan this QR code to visit this page online: