web analytics
April 26, 2015 / 7 Iyar, 5775
At a Glance
Sections
Sponsored Post


Spend Quality Time Alone With Your Spouse


Neuman-Rabbi-M-Gary

For my new book, Connect to Love, the Keys to Transforming Your Relationship, I studied over 500 women throughout the world, discussing with them their deep emotions and genuine perspectives on relationships. As with my previous research with men, there were many surprises. However, I know have a better understanding of the significant areas that couples can focus on to make their relationship better in a short period of time. My research showed that more women cheated than people think. This is probably because 62% of the cheating women said they didn’t tell the truth to their husbands. But equally astounding was that 51% of faithful women admitted that they were seriously considering divorce. Only 30% of women said they were happily married.

Understanding that this research was not conducted with a frum or exclusively Jewish group, we can still learn a great deal from the honest stories and assessments of women from all walks of life. I am always interested in using my research to find the clearest path to marital satisfaction. Everyone has good advice but I wanted to be able to prove to the best of my ability, the few things that would make the greatest change so that you’d spend your time and energy wisely. Here are some of those crucial issues:

Time: The majority of satisfied women reported spending a daily average of over 30 minutes of uninterrupted time talking to their husbands (22% said they spent over 60 minutes a day) whereas the majority of unhappy women spent less than 30 minutes (23% of them said they spent less than 5 minutes a day). This makes sense; we can talk until we’re blue in the face about better communication skills and understanding but let’s face it, if there’s no time to consistently connect, all of the rest doesn’t matter.

If there is one thing you can do to make your marriage better, create this 30-minute period – on a daily basis – to chat and relax with your spouse. Shut off the phone, Blackberry and computer (I once had a wife tell me, “My husband is cheating with fruits: his Apple and Blackberry). Finding this time is complicated for most couples. Childcare and work can leave us completely exhausted. You might feel like you can’t do another thing yet alone create a 30-minute period to talk and relax with your spouse. But it’s worth it. Consider that to be successful in any area of your life, you put a great deal of time and energy into it. Your marriage is no different.

Successful couples will tell you their secret is continued focus on their love and working at finding time and energy for their marriage. Those who think that love is all you need to be happily married are in for a sad surprise. Love is the starting point, but true love finds consistent energy to keep that love vibrant.

Appreciation: The number two answer of what emotional issues make a huge difference in their happiness is being appreciated. Whenever I ask a couple to write what they appreciate about their spouse, the list is always very short. Maybe they can crank out two or three items – but the most obvious ones are usually missing. When I ask why being a great parent, worker, etc., isn’t on the list I always get the same reply, “Well, he/she is supposed to do that.” Somehow we have developed an attitude that appreciation is only for those things we don’t expect to have done. Yet, we yearn to be loved and seen as valuable people. We deserve appreciation for any effort, even for things we would do not matter. When we are appreciated, we feel valued. It’s powerful and luckily, often so easy and quick to offer. Write a list of things you appreciate about your spouse and give it to him/her. Tell and show your spouse how appreciative you are and it’ll likely come back to you immediately.

There were other crucial issues that I look forward to sharing in future columns. In addition, in my book, Connect to Love, I detail a 2-week program that will make your relationship better.

In the end, all of us want to really feel connected. When we marry, we want to know there is that one person who wants to know the real us, the deeper person. We want our spouse to see the best in us, inspire us and want to love us more and more. I hope you have the chance to review my work and please let me know your thoughts. Together we can learn a great deal about connecting to love.

About the Author: M. Gary Neuman is a psychotherapist, rabbi, and New York Times best-selling author. He is the creator of NeumanMethod.com video programs for marriages and parenting.


If you don't see your comment after publishing it, refresh the page.

Our comments section is intended for meaningful responses and debates in a civilized manner. We ask that you respect the fact that we are a religious Jewish website and avoid inappropriate language at all cost.

If you promote any foreign religions, gods or messiahs, lies about Israel, anti-Semitism, or advocate violence (except against terrorists), your permission to comment may be revoked.

No Responses to “Spend Quality Time Alone With Your Spouse”

Comments are closed.

Current Top Story
USAID recipient Tarek Abbas, son of Palestinian Authority chairman Mahmoud.
Abbas’ Son Loses $10 Million Libel Suit in US Court
Latest Sections Stories
Food-Talk---Eller-logo

“People who never buy cookbooks are getting this one,” said Victoria. “They read it cover to cover and find it so interesting.”

South-Florida-logo

We have recently witnessed how other minorities deal with even perceived danger aimed at their brothers and sisters. They respond in great numbers.

South-Florida-logo

The Hebrew Academy students took part in all categories and used successful and innovative techniques to achieve their goals.

“The objective behind establishing small communities as places for relocation was a remedy for the excessive cost of housing and education in the large New York metropolitan market,” Mr. Savitsky explained.

Jewish Democrats did not entirely trust the son of Joseph Kennedy, a man broadly considered to be both anti-Semitic and pro-Nazi.

The teenage years are not about surviving. They are about thriving.

Every moment was a gift. I held each one, savoring.

We arrived in Auschwitz on Thursday, January 30, 2014. My seminary was taking us to see where the prisoners were kept. When we got there, I stepped off the bus in complete and total silence. I was in the back, and when we got to the gate I hesitated and started shaking uncontrollably. I couldn’t […]

From the moment Israel was declared a Jewish state, it has been the subject of controversy and struggle.

Now that Pesach is over, we return you to your regularly-scheduled pressing questions:   Dear Mordechai, Can I use a nose hair trimmer during Sefirah? Harry Lipman   Dear Harry, Yes, as long as your nose hairs are so bad that they’re affecting your job. Like if you have a desk job, and they interfere […]

It is very natural for kids to want attention and to be jealous of each other, especially when there is a new baby.

During the Second World War, a million and a half Jewish soldiers fought in the Allied armies, the Partisan units in Eastern Europe, and the anti-fascist underground movements in Western Europe and North Africa. These Jewish fighters won over 200,000 medals and citations. The Museum of the Jewish Soldier in World War II in Latrun, […]

The 2-day real estate event will take place in Brooklyn on April 26 and 27.

More Articles from Rabbi M. Gary Neuman
Neuman-Rabbi-M-Gary

Are we allowed to lie for shalom bayis? It would seem so, but what might be a healthy guideline for when it’s okay and when it’s not?

Neuman-Rabbi-M-Gary

Sacrifice is the backbone of our souls. It indicates self-regulation for a higher purpose.

Spoiler Alert: Going to see the movie “Saving Mr. Banks”, starring Tom Hanks is not like going to Disney World. Well, it is like going to Disney World if you go mid-August with your triplet toddlers, feed them all cotton candy, and lose your car because you forgot you parked in Pluto 7.394. It’s not a happy Disney movie.

Stacy and George walked out of the marriage counselor’s office angrier than when they arrived. It was their third session and this last fight over his ex-wife wasn’t going away. The fifty minutes spent embroiled in a detailed account of their battle only fired up their anger – and the counselor’s request to remember how much they love each other wasn’t helping. It would be a week before the next session and both of them were already talking about not coming back.

The therapeutic alliance has always been about a firm connection between patient and counselor. There has always been one primary standard – physically meeting in an office setting. There might be some phone calls in between sessions or to bridge some vacation gap. But therapy has always been about a feeling of connectivity and there is no better way to do this than face-to-face.

Cindy is 43, successful, attractive, a dedicated mom, extremely caring… and she hates herself. She doesn’t readily admit this, but spend a minute inside her head and you’ll discover the resounding messages revolving around negative rants – everything from “I failed” to “I should’ve done better.” You wouldn’t know it from her behavior. She’s a high functioning, regular member of society.

As adults who were children of divorce know, healing does not occur through time alone. In fact, my research found that only 46% said they had a positive relationship with their fathers as adults.

Stacy and Michael walked out of the marriage counselor’s office angrier than when they arrived. It was their third session and this last fight over his ex wife wasn’t going away. The fifty minutes embroiled in a detailed outline of the battle only fired up their anger and the counselor’s request to remember how much they love each other wasn’t helping. It would be a week before the next session and both of them were already talking about not returning for therapy.

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/family/marriage-relationships/spend-quality-time-alone-with-your-spouse/2011/01/12/

Scan this QR code to visit this page online: