web analytics
May 23, 2013 /14 Sivan, 5773
At a Glance ▼
Sections
Sponsored Post
The Tosfos Yomtov was convinced that the death of 300,000 –600,000 Jews during the Chmielnicki massacres of 1648-49 were because of improper Tefila. Communicated: Tefilla

Chillul Tefila Bifarhesia, as well as halachicly challenged verbiage and dress, are external manifestations of a critical lack of personal yiras shomayim which has lethal consequences.



Stressing The Positives

tell a friend
Respler-092112

Dear Dr. Yael:

My husband and I are, Baruch Hashem, happily married for five years. But there is a stumbling block constantly facing us.

I grew up in a home without any shalom bayis, as my parents constantly argued and fought. They tried to be good parents but they were always in bad moods because of their relationship. I often hated being home and was embarrassed to bring friends around because of what they might witness.

With maturity and a lot of soul searching, I finally understand their issues. I am have stopped blaming them for what they put us through and instead try to respect them for the efforts they put into raising us. But when it comes to my marriage, every time my husband says something that remotely resembles what my father may have said to my mother, I find myself responding the way she did. This happens even if what he said doesn’t bother me when I think about it calmly. For his part, my husband understands the way I grew up and tries to be patient with me, but his patience is wearing thin.

Related to that is although my husband and I are happy now, I am sure that unhappiness will soon set in. After all, my parents were probably happy when they were first married; their unhappiness developed over time. And that make me wonder whether or not we are actually happy now.

All of this is taking a toll on my marriage and I am not sure how to deal with it. I’d also like to know if this is normal.

Thanks in advance for your advice. We are looking forward to hearing your suggestions.

A Reader

Dear Reader:

You appear to be experiencing transference in your relationship with your husband. Transference is when someone transfers the negative feelings he or she feels toward one person who is important onto someone else.

Your attitude is a key issue in your marriage. If you believe that you are happy, you will in fact be happy – as happiness is a state of mind. Therefore, it is not healthy to think negatively.

It sounds as if you have worked on your personhood. The fact that you are so aware of your issues demonstrates your strengths. Take advantage of this and work on improving the way you respond to your husband. Just believe that you can find positive ways to react – once you believe that you can, it will be easier to do!

There is something called the Imago Theory that I often employ in therapy sessions. Basically it allows people to recreate their imago – the image of their own childhood in their lives and in their marriages.

What often happens during the dating process is that you are attracted to someone who, in your mind, may resemble one or both of your parents. This may present challenging issues to you (and possibly to your spouse as well) in your marriage. You may want to subconsciously recreate your childhood problems and work them out through your marriage. At times, even if your husband does not really behave like your father but does certain things that sometimes remind you of your father, you may overreact to those things because of your childhood.

As to your important question about whether your situation is normal: it falls within that category. But please remember to reasonably do what it takes to fight your negative feelings and the overall depressing cycle.

Since your husband is attempting to not allow you to recreate your childhood, you may need individual therapy. While as you say your marriage is good right now, you are falling into the trap of responding the way your mother responded to your father.

Much of what is transpiring is not on a conscious level. Thus, a therapist will hopefully be able to help you focus and build your positives. Through the building of those strengths, you will enhance your chances of overcoming your nisyonos (challenges) in life. I honestly believe that it will be difficult for you to change the way you respond to your husband without professional help.

Keep in mind that the therapist’s personality is key to your success in being helped. Seek a therapist who is cognitive-behavioral and solution-oriented. In order to conquer your problem, help the therapist in his or her attempt to focus on all of your strengths.

tell a friend

About the Author:


You might also be interested in:


no comments

You must log in to post a comment.

SocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

Current Top Story
Peter Bouckaert, emergencies director of Human Rights Watch, having lunch. Peter likes long walks on the beach with fellow "insider" correspondents and dumping on Israel.
Yes, There Is an Anti-Israel Media Cabal and They All Meet on Facebook
Latest Sections Stories
South-Florida-logo
Sections → Community → South Florida

Florida is famous for sparkling water. We have the beautiful Atlantic Ocean and Gulf of Mexico surrounding our coast. We have bays, lakes, canals and, of course, an incredible abundance of swimming pools in homes, resorts, apartment complexes and city parks.

South-Florida-logo
Sections → Community → South Florida

The buzz is back as Camp Gan Israel Florida Overnight gears up for another fantastic summer, CGI Florida style. What makes CGI Florida so different from all the other overnight camps? It’s all in the details.

Sections → Magazine → Teens and Twenties

Leah Katz, a TeenZone camper at Oorah’s TheZone summer camp and an 11th grader at Midwood High School, read her winning essay about how TheZone changed her views on Judaism at the Jewish Heritage Awards Ceremony held at Brooklyn District Attorney Charles Hynes’s office in April. The purpose of the Jewish Heritage Essay Contest is to acquaint public school students with Jewish history and customs and to help foster a deeper understanding of Jewish culture. The contest is open to students of all ethnic and religious backgrounds. Leah’s essay is reproduced in full below.

Sections → Jewess Press → Impact Of Women On Jewish History/Prof. L. Jackson

Moshe Sharett, the head of the Jewish Agency’s Political Department, visited Egypt in 1945. In Cairo he met a most remarkable young woman, a beautiful journalist who was the darling of Egyptian high society – from high-ranking military brass, to culture icons and Muslim sheikhs, to the court of King Faruk.

Sections → Family → Marriage and Relationships

The two proceeded to talk about everyday things and surprisingly her mother-in-law did not find anything else to criticize. This occurred a few more times, with my client changing the topic every time by complimenting her mother-in-law or mentioning something positive about her.

Sections → Family → Parenting Our Children

There is always a lot of confusion surrounding sensory processing disorder – mainly because there are many different diagnoses that fall under the catch-all phrase sensory processing disorder (SPD). Among them are three specific subcategories:

Sections → Family

The doctor had warned us that even if we did everything right and followed the protocol after the follicle was of the right size, there was no guarantee of success. Fertilization still had to occur, and just like couples do not necessarily become pregnant every month, we had no way to know if we were actually expecting for two full weeks.

Sections → Community → West Coast Happenings

Jewish Press columnist Rebbetzin Esther Jungreis, founder and president of Hineni, the international Torah outreach organization, recently addressed an overflowing audience at the Beth Jacob Congregation of Irvine in southern California. Rebbetzin Jungreis’s address theme, “Making a Good Relationship Magical,” was apropos for the evening’s main mission: raising funds for the Irvine community’s mikveh.

Sections → Magazine → Teens and Twenties

You have probably been planning your marriage since you were about three. Let’s fast-forward to a big milestone– your twenty-fifth wedding anniversary. (Don’t worry, you don’t look a day over twenty one!) Now, would you appreciate your husband buying you a dozen roses that some florist recommended?

More Articles from Dr. Yael Respler
Respler-Yael
Sections → Family → Marriage and Relationships

The two proceeded to talk about everyday things and surprisingly her mother-in-law did not find anything else to criticize. This occurred a few more times, with my client changing the topic every time by complimenting her mother-in-law or mentioning something positive about her.

Respler-051013
Sections → Family → Marriage and Relationships

Dear Dr Yael:

During a shiur on Pirkei Avos, a rabbi admired by my husband spoke about how some people begrudge others certain things. He mentioned the “D” word (without saying the word itself), and I think he said it was an illness talked about in the Gemara. He said that people suffering from this “machalah shachor” (dark illness) should live in a desert with the wild animals. My assumption was that the person would be left to die there.

Sections → Family → Marriage and Relationships

Instead of putting it all on the men, saying for example that they are “trained” by “society” to feel, think and behave as they do, perhaps you could have encouraged these self-described happily-married women to look in the mirror and try to figure out why their husbands seem to act insensitively toward them.

Sections → Family → Marriage and Relationships

My friend forwarded this letter and I am sharing it with you, my readers as it concerns an issue that affects many in the “sandwich generation.”

Sections → Family → Marriage and Relationships

Dear Dr. Yael:

I am trying, over the Internet, to find programs for my son that are geared toward helping people strengthen their emunah and bitachon. Thus far, I have been unsuccessful. Do you know of any sites I can visit?

Anonymous

Sections → Family → Marriage and Relationships

He needs to have a different ring for his work number in order to be able to ignore all other incoming calls and message alerts. This will give him the opportunity to only speak on the phone or retrieve texts when it is absolutely necessary to do so.

Sections → Family → Marriage and Relationships

To this day, all the returned items remain in my parent’s possession. Baruch Hashem, this was the beginning of a very close and wonderful relationship between my parents and these machatanim – on that continues until today.

Sections → Family → Marriage and Relationships

Just like Aharon HaKohen promoted shalom bayis by sharing with couples all of the good things that his or her spouse said, a therapist can encourage shalom bayis in this same way.

    Latest Poll

    Which is the most beautiful location in Jerusalem?









    View Results

    Loading ... Loading ...

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/family/marriage-relationships/stressing-the-positives/2012/09/21/

Scan this QR code to visit this page online:

No related posts.

Close