web analytics
December 20, 2014 / 28 Kislev, 5775
 
At a Glance
Sections
Sponsored Post
8000 meals Celebrate Eight Days of Chanukah – With 8,000 Free Meals Daily to Israel’s Poor

Join Meir Panim’s campaign to “light up” Chanukah for families in need.



Stressing The Positives

Respler-092112

Dear Dr. Yael:

My husband and I are, Baruch Hashem, happily married for five years. But there is a stumbling block constantly facing us.

I grew up in a home without any shalom bayis, as my parents constantly argued and fought. They tried to be good parents but they were always in bad moods because of their relationship. I often hated being home and was embarrassed to bring friends around because of what they might witness.

With maturity and a lot of soul searching, I finally understand their issues. I am have stopped blaming them for what they put us through and instead try to respect them for the efforts they put into raising us. But when it comes to my marriage, every time my husband says something that remotely resembles what my father may have said to my mother, I find myself responding the way she did. This happens even if what he said doesn’t bother me when I think about it calmly. For his part, my husband understands the way I grew up and tries to be patient with me, but his patience is wearing thin.

Related to that is although my husband and I are happy now, I am sure that unhappiness will soon set in. After all, my parents were probably happy when they were first married; their unhappiness developed over time. And that make me wonder whether or not we are actually happy now.

All of this is taking a toll on my marriage and I am not sure how to deal with it. I’d also like to know if this is normal.

Thanks in advance for your advice. We are looking forward to hearing your suggestions.

A Reader

Dear Reader:

You appear to be experiencing transference in your relationship with your husband. Transference is when someone transfers the negative feelings he or she feels toward one person who is important onto someone else.

Your attitude is a key issue in your marriage. If you believe that you are happy, you will in fact be happy – as happiness is a state of mind. Therefore, it is not healthy to think negatively.

It sounds as if you have worked on your personhood. The fact that you are so aware of your issues demonstrates your strengths. Take advantage of this and work on improving the way you respond to your husband. Just believe that you can find positive ways to react – once you believe that you can, it will be easier to do!

There is something called the Imago Theory that I often employ in therapy sessions. Basically it allows people to recreate their imago – the image of their own childhood in their lives and in their marriages.

What often happens during the dating process is that you are attracted to someone who, in your mind, may resemble one or both of your parents. This may present challenging issues to you (and possibly to your spouse as well) in your marriage. You may want to subconsciously recreate your childhood problems and work them out through your marriage. At times, even if your husband does not really behave like your father but does certain things that sometimes remind you of your father, you may overreact to those things because of your childhood.

As to your important question about whether your situation is normal: it falls within that category. But please remember to reasonably do what it takes to fight your negative feelings and the overall depressing cycle.

Since your husband is attempting to not allow you to recreate your childhood, you may need individual therapy. While as you say your marriage is good right now, you are falling into the trap of responding the way your mother responded to your father.

Much of what is transpiring is not on a conscious level. Thus, a therapist will hopefully be able to help you focus and build your positives. Through the building of those strengths, you will enhance your chances of overcoming your nisyonos (challenges) in life. I honestly believe that it will be difficult for you to change the way you respond to your husband without professional help.

Keep in mind that the therapist’s personality is key to your success in being helped. Seek a therapist who is cognitive-behavioral and solution-oriented. In order to conquer your problem, help the therapist in his or her attempt to focus on all of your strengths.

About the Author:


If you don't see your comment after publishing it, refresh the page.

Our comments section is intended for meaningful responses and debates in a civilized manner. We ask that you respect the fact that we are a religious Jewish website and avoid inappropriate language at all cost.

If you promote any foreign religions, gods or messiahs, lies about Israel, anti-Semitism, or advocate violence (except against terrorists), your permission to comment may be revoked.

No Responses to “Stressing The Positives”

Comments are closed.

SocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

Current Top Story
Posted to Twitter in Ferguson, MO by St. Louis County Police: "Bricks thrown at police, 2 police cars burned, gun seized by police. Tonight was disappointing."  Their motto is, "To protect and serve."
Prosecutor in Ferguson Case: ‘Witnesses Lied Under Oath’
Latest Sections Stories
Games-121914

Here are examples of games that need to be played by more than one person and an added bonus: they’re all Shabbos-friendly.

South-Florida-logo

The incident was completely unforeseeable. The only term to describe the set of circumstances surrounding it is “freak occurrence.”

South-Florida-logo

The first Chabad Center in Broward County, Chabad of South Broward, now runs nearly fifty programs and agencies. T

The NHS was also honored to have Bob Diener as keynote speaker.

Written with flowing language and engaging style, Attar weaves a spell that combines mystery, humor, adventure and Kabbalah in the most magical place in the world, the Old City of erusalem.

There are those who highlight the diversity of these different teachings, seeing each rebbe as teaching a separate path.

Rav Dynovisz will be speaking in Hebrew on Wednesday, January 7, at 7:30 p.m.

Rabbi Simeon Schreiber, senior chaplain at Mount Sinai Medical Center in Miami Beach, saw a small room in the hospital that was dark and dismal but could be used for Sabbath guests.

“The secret to a good donut is using quality ingredients and the ability to be patient and give them time to proof.”

I so desperately want to have a loving relationship with my stepsons.

The Liberty Bell is a symbol of American Independence.

Because you can’t have kids pouring huge jugs of oil into tiny glasses, unless you want to turn your house into an environmental disaster.

Try these with your kids; there’s something for every age group and once all the recipes are made, dinner will be ready!

You children will build the country and you will help restore Israel to her former glory.

More Articles from Dr. Yael Respler
Respler-logo-NEW

I so desperately want to have a loving relationship with my stepsons.

Respler-logo-NEW

Isn’t there anyone making a simcha who understands that loud music can cause hearing loss?

My mother thinks of herself as a superior person, has very little feelings for other people, and probably suffers from a deep lack of self-esteem.

Sometimes the most powerful countermove one can make when a person is screaming is to calmly say that her behavior is not helpful and then continue interacting with the rest of the family while ignoring the enraged person.

There are many people today with very little training who put out shingles and proclaim themselves to be marital coaches, shalom bayis helpers, advisers etc.

When one marries someone with children, all family members must accept them.

My mother-in-law is totally devoted to her daughters and their children. Her sons’ children on the other hand are treated like second-class citizens.

How can I help my wife learn to say “no,” and understand that her first priority must be her husband and family?

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/family/marriage-relationships/stressing-the-positives/2012/09/21/

Scan this QR code to visit this page online: