web analytics
October 31, 2014 / 7 Heshvan, 5775
At a Glance
Sections
Sponsored Post
Meir Panim with Soldiers 5774 Roundup: Year of Relief and Service for Israel’s Needy

Meir Panim implements programs that serve Israel’s neediest populations with respect and dignity. Meir Panim also coordinated care packages for families in the South during the Gaza War.



Ten Affirmations For A Peaceful Year


Marriage-Relationship-logo

But what if we could replace this critic with a more compassionate voice that reassures us when our vulnerabilities are being exposed? As Dr. Dovid Lieberman, author of Seek Peace And Pursue It: Proven Strategies To Resolve Conflicts In Relationships, has noted:

“Accepting who we are is not the same as approving of our mistakes.  When we accept ourselves, we embrace the truth of our imperfection. To see oneself as less than perfect is honest and healthy.  Insisting that we are perfect is dishonest and healthy.

“The dual themes of acceptance and approval exist in our relationships as well.  We often confuse acceptance and approval, where if we do not approve of another’s actions, we cannot accept him.  This erroneous thinking not only negates the concept of unconditional love, and results in strained relationships, but also impairs our ability to accept ourselves—faults and all.”

 

6. I Will Treat Others With Respect And Compassion.

By being in touch with our own humanity and being sympathetic to our own vulnerabilities, we are in a position to extend that gift to others, even if we disagree with them on a particular issue. A key component in doing so is discussed in Stephen Covey’s The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People:

“Empathic (from empathy) listening gets inside another person’s frame of reference. You look out through it, you see the world the way they see the world, you understand their paradigm, you understand how they feel…

“Empathic listening is so powerful because it gives you accurate data to work with. Instead of projecting your own autobiography and assuming thoughts, feelings, motives and interpretation, you’re dealing with the reality inside another person’s head and heart…You’re focused on receiving the deep communication of another human soul…

“When you listen with empathy to another person, you give that person psychological air.  And after that vital need is met, you can then focus on influencing or problem solving.

“The need for psychological air impacts communication in every area of life.”

 

7. I Will Seek To Understand Another’s Point Of View Even When I Think It’s Wrong.

Sometimes our ego is so consumed with the truth of its position, there is little room to truly appreciate another’s perspective. The idea of creating space for such a perspective can be threatening. Perhaps we believe that entertaining such ideas will somehow take away from our argument and strengthen the position of our ideological adversary.  Or maybe we’re afraid that we ourselves will be “taken in” by a position with which we strongly disagree.

But of course, understanding is different than accepting or agreeing with a point of view. I can believe that the death penalty is immoral, but still articulate why others would feel differently.  I can see a business proposal as foolhardy, yet still come to understand why the person suggesting it could support it.   Ironically, when the other party sees that he is really being heard, he can then respond in kind.

The result can save each party wasted time and energy trying to convince the other person why he or she is “wrong.”  As Rabbi Pliskin humorously puts it:

“When you find yourself in a conflict with someone, focus on finding solutions. This is in contrast to thinking and speaking in terms of blaming…The person on the receiving end of this blaming rarely responds: ‘You’re right. It’s all my fault. I’ll act better from now on.’  ‘My negative traits are truly negative. I’ll work on refining my character and then the root will be taken care of and we’ll get along.’ ‘…I’ll switch my entire way of thinking, speaking and acting to the way that you do and then we’ll have peace’…Whenever you find yourself in a conflict, ask yourself, ‘What can I say or do that might be a solution to the problem?’” 8. I Will Be Sensitive To My State Of Mind And That Of Others Before Discussing A Contentious Issue.

At the end of a heated argument where hurtful words are said, one or both parties may seek to make amends by explaining that they were under stress, deprived of sleep or simply in a bad mood.  The recipient of our anger may say they understand, but often the damage done is not so easily repaired. In retrospect, a simple delay in dealing with an issue could have avoided such harm. Except for time-sensitive emergencies, waiting until a time when both parties are in a better emotional state will have a positive impact that supercedes whatever value could be obtained by discussing something in the moment.

About the Author: Gary Tolchinsky works at a consulting firm in New Jersey. He is a graduate of Columbia Law School, where he studied mediation and alternative dispute resolution. He is on the Advisory Board of the North American Conference on Ethiopian Jewry and is founder of the website jewishbooksforpeace.org. He can be reached at gary1325@aol.com


If you don't see your comment after publishing it, refresh the page.

Our comments section is intended for meaningful responses and debates in a civilized manner. We ask that you respect the fact that we are a religious Jewish website and avoid inappropriate language at all cost.

If you promote any foreign religions, gods or messiahs, lies about Israel, anti-Semitism, or advocate violence (except against terrorists), your permission to comment may be revoked.

No Responses to “Ten Affirmations For A Peaceful Year”

Comments are closed.

SocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

Current Top Story
Yehudah Glick on the Temple Mount.
Yehuda Glick’s Condition Stabilizing, “He Was Very Lucky” (1:00 PM)
Latest Sections Stories
Collecting-History-logo

Undoubtedly the greatest manifestation of his antipathy was his infamous declaration: “[Expletive] the Jews. They don’t vote for us anyway.”

West-Coast-logo

Chaplain Winkler along with the other OJCB chaplains work tirelessly on a daily basis to ensure that all of the Jewish prisoners religious needs are met.

Eller-103114-Busy-In-Brooklyn

“I work around the Jewish calendar, always trying to think of creative spins,” noted Chani.

“Without a high school diploma, you couldn’t work as a garbage collector in New York City; you couldn’t join the Air Force. Yet a quarter of our kids still walked out of high school and never came back.”
– Amanda Ridley

My mother-in-law is totally devoted to her daughters and their children. Her sons’ children on the other hand are treated like second-class citizens.

The Polin Museum of the History of Polish Jews is designed to tell the whole thousand-year story of the Jews in Poland.

The experience that I was privileged to have this summer was one that was amazing, powerful, and unforgettable. It was a summer of a lifetime. And it’s something that many other groups shared as well. This summer was not exclusive to one group – it was universal. Putting a title on which program was which […]

Avromi often put other people’s interests before his own: he would not defend people whom he believed were guilty (even if they were willing to pay him a lot of money).

The Presbyterian Church USA voted to divest from three companies that do business with Israel.

How can I help my wife learn to say “no,” and understand that her first priority must be her husband and family?

My eyes skimmed an article on page 1A. I was flabbergasted. I read the title again. Could it be? It had good news for the Miami Jewish community.

Students in early childhood, elementary, and middle school were treated to an array of hands-on projects to create sukkah decorations such as wind chimes, velvet posters, sand art, paper chains, and more.

More Articles from Gary Tolchinsky
Marriage-Relationship-logo

No, the above title is not a misprint of the ubiquitous, “If you see something, say something” campaign encouraging citizens to report suspicious packages and behavior to the police. In these ads, often found in public places and synagogues, one sees a photo of a passenger with an unattended package nearby.

Marriage-Relationship-logo

As we begin the New Year it is with a sense of hope that we can avoid the painful arguments, hurtful remarks and misunderstandings which have harmed our relationships in the past. We seek to make amends with friends and family over the High Holidays and resolve that things will be different in the future. But moving forward, we may also wonder if we can really change patterns of relating that have been perpetuated for years or decades.

About a month ago, we began the Passover Seder by asking “the four questions,” which led to a narrative explaining how the Jewish people were freed from Egypt. We are now in the midst of a forty-nine day process of spiritual growth in which we prepare ourselves to receive the Torah.

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/family/marriage-relationships/ten-affirmations-for-a-peaceful-year-2/2012/09/14/

Scan this QR code to visit this page online: