web analytics
August 31, 2015 / 16 Elul, 5775
At a Glance
Sections
Sponsored Post


The Art Of Communication

Schonbuch-Rabbi-Daniel

David and his wife had been married for 15 years and believed they knew what each other really wanted. While attending a marriage seminar on communication, David and his wife listened to the instructor declare, “It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.”

Then he asked the men in the crowd, “Can you describe your wife’s favorite flower?”

David leaned over, touched his wife’s arm gently and whispered, “Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn’t it?”

Sometimes we think that someone is saying one thing, when actually, their message is completely different. Good communication, in all spheres of life, necessitates that you pick up on each other’s subtle signs and understand the feelings and emotions behind the words.

A few years ago when I was looking to buy a new car, I spotted a sign at a local car dealer that read “Brand New Sedans at Low, Low Prices.” Enthusiastically, I walked in expecting to find the ride of my life. Within seconds, a blue sedan caught my eye, and I quickly hopped into the driver’s seat, started playing with the console, and sunk into the extra-plush leather seat. I knew right away that I found the car I was looking for. At least that’s what I thought.

Suddenly, a car salesman woke me out of my almost dream-like state.

“These cars are not for sale. I think you made a mistake,” the assertive salesman said to me.

“Mistake?” I replied, “I couldn’t be happier.”

“Are you sure you don’t want something else? How about a larger minivan with a CD player — something your kids would love,” he asked.

“No thanks. We already have a Town and Country. I’m looking for something for myself.”

“Yourself? I guess you think one van is enough for the family.”

“Of course ONE is enough. Can’t you just show me a similar sedan to the one I want?”

“Well, we have smaller sedans, but they are pre-owned.”

“Pre-owned. You mean secondhand, right?”

“That’s what we call it in our industry, ‘pre-owned.’”

“But I want a new car!”

“Okay, I get it. You want a new sedan.”

“That’s right. Do you have any?”

“Well, we used to. Now we have compacts and minivans. Are you sure we can’t find a real deal for you?”

Like most unsuspecting car buyers, I walked out disappointed and downright annoyed that I was saying one thing and he was hearing another. In fact, we were speaking two totally different languages. He assumed that he knew what I wanted, but in truth, he was only interested in fulfilling his own narrow agenda.

Couples often fall into this same pattern – speaking without first listening to what their spouse is trying to tell them. They make the mistake of assuming one thing when their spouse’s mind is moving in the opposite direction.

First Aid Relationship Tips

So what are the ways couples can improve their ability to communicate effectively in marriage and create a language of love? According to the latest theories in communication, the most important areas of focus are:

* Learning how to actively listen
* Mirroring your spouse’s feelings
* Empathizing
* Hearing feelings behind words
* Reducing criticism
* Learning to say that you’re sorry

Active Listening

One of the most essentials techniques in improving communication is active listening. Active listening, as opposed to simple listening, is when couples pay close attention to each other’s words and feelings. Instead of assuming that they automatically catch their message, they go the extra mile and listen carefully to their spouse’s “inner” voice. Active listening encourages people to download their thoughts to someone who will listen without being judgmental.

Imagine how good it feels when someone who matters to you listens. We each feel comforted when a good friend, teacher or spouse spends a few minutes listening to us. That’s because good communicators perceive communication as a two-way street, where listening is as equally important as is speaking one’s mind. Unfortunately, many people believe that the purpose of communication is to simply get another person to do what they want. From their perspective, communication is merely a way to achieve certain goals, such as acquiring possessions, making money, attaining valuable services, and so on. Yet, in marriage, communicating is about more than just achieving an end; it’s a means to achieving a closer and more intimate relationship.

About the Author: Rabbi Daniel Schonbuch, MA, LMFT is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. He is an expert in marriage counseling, pre-marital education, treating Anxiety and Depression, and helping teens in crisis with offices in Brooklyn. To watch his free videos on marriage and parenting and for appointments visit: www.JewishMarriageSupport.com, email rabbischonbuch@yahoo.com or call 646-428-4723.


If you don't see your comment after publishing it, refresh the page.

Our comments section is intended for meaningful responses and debates in a civilized manner. We ask that you respect the fact that we are a religious Jewish website and avoid inappropriate language at all cost.

If you promote any foreign religions, gods or messiahs, lies about Israel, anti-Semitism, or advocate violence (except against terrorists), your permission to comment may be revoked.

No Responses to “The Art Of Communication”

Comments are closed.

Current Top Story
Survivors in Auschwitz.
Auschwitz Provides Tourists with Outdoor Showers to ‘Cool Down’
Latest Sections Stories
South-Florida-logo

A variety of glatt kosher food will be available for purchase at Kosher Korner (near Section 1).

South-Florida-logo

Jewish Press South Florida Editor Shelley Benveniste will deliver a talk.

South-Florida-logo

Corey Brier, corresponding secretary of the organization, introduced the rabbi.

South-Florida-logo

The magnificent 400-seat sanctuary with beautiful stained glass windows, a stunning carved glass Aron Kodesh, a ballroom, social hall, and beis medrash will accommodate the growing synagogue.

Even when our prayers are ignored and troubles confront us, Rabbi Shoff teaches that it is the same God who sent the difficulties as who answered our prayers before.

I’ve put together some of the most frequently asked questions regarding bullies, friendship and learning disabilities.

His parents make it clear that they feel the right thing is for Avi to visit his grandfather, but they leave it up to him.

There is a rich Jewish history in this part of the world. Now the hidden customs are being revealed, as many seek to reconnect with their roots.

There are times when a psychiatrist will over-medicate, which is why it’s important to find a psychiatrist whom you trust and feel comfortable with.

On November 22, 1963, Abraham Zapruder created one of the most famous, and valuable, pieces of film and became forever linked with one of the greatest American national tragedies when he stood with his camera on an elevated concrete abutment as President John F. Kennedy’s motorcade passed through Dealey Plaza in Dallas. Exhibited here is […]

“Worrying is carrying tomorrow’s load with today’s strength – carrying two days at once. It is moving into tomorrow ahead of time. Worrying doesn’t empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength.” – Corrie ten Boom I’ve been thinking a lot about worrying. Anxiety is an issue close to my heart – […]

Don’t be afraid to try something different.

More Articles from Rabbi Daniel Schonbuch
Schonbuch-Rabbi-Daniel

A compulsion is a repetitive action. But what underlies the compulsion is an obsession or fear.

Schonbuch-Rabbi-Daniel

Teens-at-risk feel alienated from their parents and often believe that no one is interested in hearing about their problems.

Separation anxiety disorder is a condition in which a child becomes fearful and nervous when away from home or separated from a loved one – usually a parent or other caregiver – to whom the child is attached.

I try to focus on the parents in a way that is not often addressed. As soon as the child gets anxious, the parent gets anxious;

Most people are not aware that anxiety disorders are the most common mental illness in the United States, affecting 40 million adults age 18 and older (18% of U.S. population).

Parental conflict affects children in varying ways, depending on their age. For example, teenagers around the age of fifteen or sixteen are most likely to involve themselves in their parents’ battles. Younger children may keep their feelings hidden inside and may only show signs of depression in late childhood or early adolescence.

When parents come to talk to me about a troubled child or teenager, I often find it helpful to explore whether or not their marriage is causing their teenager to be at risk.

Active listening is only one part of the marriage equation; learning what to say and what not to say is the other half. And, it’s not just about expressing your feelings, but doing it in a way that avoids hurting the other person.

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/family/marriage-relationships/the-art-of-communication/2013/01/25/

Scan this QR code to visit this page online: