web analytics
May 25, 2013 /16 Sivan, 5773
At a Glance ▼
Sections
Sponsored Post
The Tosfos Yomtov was convinced that the death of 300,000 –600,000 Jews during the Chmielnicki massacres of 1648-49 were because of improper Tefila. Communicated: Tefilla

Chillul Tefila Bifarhesia, as well as halachicly challenged verbiage and dress, are external manifestations of a critical lack of personal yiras shomayim which has lethal consequences.



The Benefits Of Countermoves

tell a friend
Respler-081712

Dear Dr. Respler:

I wish to share with your readers and you what I did to enhance my marriage through the use of your suggested technique of countermoves.

My husband is, by nature, a closed person and has a hard time paying compliments. Many people have advised me to accept him and love him just the way he is, as he is both a good husband and good father. He is also a great provider.

But I was very frustrated with his lack of warmth and deficiency in giving compliments. He would often say that the “good is expected and the bad is noted.” This was painful, since I yearn for positive statements and warmth from him.

Even though my nature is to be warm and loving, all my praise did not seem to help him reply in kind. He told me, “I know that you are complimenting me to get me to compliment you, but I just do not need all this praise.” This pained me even more.

I finally said to him, “I know that you do not need my praise, but I yearn for your compliments. Nobody means so much to me, and it is only you who can fill this void.” Then I did something very creative: Every time I wanted a compliment, I would ask for it!

If I were wearing a new outfit, I would say, “Do you like my outfit?” After he would answer yes, I would ask him, “Do you think I look good in it?” I would add, “It would mean so much to me if you told me that I did.” Sometimes he would get upset, but other times he would tell me what I longed to hear. I used this strategy with many issues that were important to me. For instance, I tried to get him to compliment my suppers with this technique, my small successes at work, and even the way I handled the children.

I’ve been working on this for over a year, and surprisingly he is better at complimenting me. I tell him how much his compliments mean to me, and I show him my happiness. Occasionally he actually praises me on his own, and I am still persistent in getting his praise.

I see how his parents’ marriage is devoid of all praise and warmth. As a young couple, I do not want my husband and I to end up like them. Thus I think that if I keep at it, we will have a different kind of marriage, one that is more loving and positive than that of my in-laws.

For my part, I continuously praise him – an act that he is enjoying. I try to give him compliments that are important to him. As an example, he davens beautifully. So the other day I got a babysitter and went to shul at the time I knew he would be davening. He was shocked to see me there. I told him that I came since I knew he would be davening, and I really enjoy hearing him daven. He did not respond, but he could not stop smiling. He could not believe that I took a babysitter and made an effort to come to shul on a Shabbos that was not Mevorchim HaChodesh or Rosh Chodesh. (I know that many people are away in the summer and that the shul needed him to daven.)

I am so happy with the positive changes in my marriage that I wanted to share my experience with your readers. I hope that the details I’ve expressed help others in a similar predicament.

A Happier Wife

Dear Happier Wife:

Thank you for your amazing letter and your wonderful ideas. Your letter is an inspiration to all women, as well as to men who have closed and non-complimentary wives.

I have previously referred to the imago theory in my column and recently did a radio show about it. I often use imago therapy to help my patients. The imago means the image in which you grow up.

In essence it seems as if your husband comes from a negative imago, as there is, based on your description, little praise and very little warmth between his parents. In all probability his parents were also not warm toward him and probably did not compliment him. Therefore all this praise is alien to him. By using your technique, you are trying to create a new imago in your home so that you do not copy your in-laws’ marriage. You do not talk about your home life before marriage, but I would venture to say that you probably come from a warm, loving home. Otherwise, you would not be able to be so positive when faced with so much negative energy.

tell a friend

About the Author:


You might also be interested in:


no comments

You must log in to post a comment.

SocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

Current Top Story
David Arenberg lost many things during his nearly 12 years in prison, but he found a connection to Judaism.
A Jew Grows in Prison
Latest Sections Stories
V-E-Day-052413-Grandpa
Sections → Magazine → Teens and Twenties

Nearly half a million of them fought in Red Army uniforms, under communist slogans but with a personal vengeance that was solely the result of Jewish experience. More than the “Greatest Generation,” they were the living superheroes hidden in plain sight.

hot-busy-kitchen-10912000
Sections → Jewess Press → Daily Living

It’s all over.

The orchestra is still, the lights are dimmed. Your simcha outfits hang in your closet, silent witnesses to a time you will treasure in your mind and heart forever.

Touro-052413
Sections → Features

Scene One:

After noticing that you can’t log into your computer, your pulse quickens as you are called into your supervisor’s office. S/he has some bad news. You are being laid off. You have 15 minutes to clean out your desk and surrender your cell phone before security escorts you out of the building. Job termination, especially in the corporate world, can be heartless.

Omer Map (website image) by Yitzchok Moully. Courtesy the artist.
Sections → Arts

I have always had a problem with the Omer. Doing the mitzvah of counting the Omer was of course pretty easy. Remembering to start the second evening of Passover and remembering to stop the day before Shavous took a little concentration but somehow I always managed. No, for me the nagging problem was always why was I doing this in the first place, other than the fact it was a biblical (according to the Rambam) commandment.

Sections → Magazine → On Our Own/Cheryl Kupfer

With the semi-mourning period of Sefira behind us, and the festival of Shavuot as well (as evidenced by the tightness of our clothing due to over-indulging in irresistible versions of cheesecake that is an integral component of celebrating our receipt of the Torah), our community can look forward to participating in joyous engagement parties and weddings.

Sections → Family → Marriage and Relationships

Dear Dr. Yael:

Do you really believe that the Internet is the reason why the divorce rate is so high among young couples? This may be so in some cases, but what about the fact that many singles are pressured to get married at a young age despite not having any idea what they are looking for in a mate? And add to that the fact that many are pressured to make a decision about marriage after dating for a very short period of time.

Sections → Family → Marriage and Relationships

From the moment they stand under the chuppah, newlyweds have two years to enjoy the special bliss that new love brings. This new finding, reported by the New York Times, is based on a study undertaken by American and European researchers. 1,761 people who got married and stayed married over 15 years were followed. The research shows that after two years the couples moved into a more companionable state in their relationships.

Sections → Family → Parenting Our Children

Shel Silverstein’s 1974 poem “Where The Sidewalk Ends” is intended to paint a magical picture of a world of peace and serenity far away from the “black and dark streets.” At the time, perhaps the end of the sidewalk was a place that was “measured and slow.” Today, however, for many parents, where the sidewalk ends can feel like a scary place.

Sections → Community → South Florida

Florida is famous for sparkling water. We have the beautiful Atlantic Ocean and Gulf of Mexico surrounding our coast. We have bays, lakes, canals and, of course, an incredible abundance of swimming pools in homes, resorts, apartment complexes and city parks.

Sections → Community → South Florida

The buzz is back as Camp Gan Israel Florida Overnight gears up for another fantastic summer, CGI Florida style. What makes CGI Florida so different from all the other overnight camps? It’s all in the details.

Sections → Magazine → Teens and Twenties

Leah Katz, a TeenZone camper at Oorah’s TheZone summer camp and an 11th grader at Midwood High School, read her winning essay about how TheZone changed her views on Judaism at the Jewish Heritage Awards Ceremony held at Brooklyn District Attorney Charles Hynes’s office in April. The purpose of the Jewish Heritage Essay Contest is to acquaint public school students with Jewish history and customs and to help foster a deeper understanding of Jewish culture. The contest is open to students of all ethnic and religious backgrounds. Leah’s essay is reproduced in full below.

Sections → Jewess Press → Impact Of Women On Jewish History/Prof. L. Jackson

Moshe Sharett, the head of the Jewish Agency’s Political Department, visited Egypt in 1945. In Cairo he met a most remarkable young woman, a beautiful journalist who was the darling of Egyptian high society – from high-ranking military brass, to culture icons and Muslim sheikhs, to the court of King Faruk.

Sections → Family → Marriage and Relationships

The two proceeded to talk about everyday things and surprisingly her mother-in-law did not find anything else to criticize. This occurred a few more times, with my client changing the topic every time by complimenting her mother-in-law or mentioning something positive about her.

More Articles from Dr. Yael Respler
Respler-052413
Sections → Family → Marriage and Relationships

Dear Dr. Yael:

Do you really believe that the Internet is the reason why the divorce rate is so high among young couples? This may be so in some cases, but what about the fact that many singles are pressured to get married at a young age despite not having any idea what they are looking for in a mate? And add to that the fact that many are pressured to make a decision about marriage after dating for a very short period of time.

Respler-Yael
Sections → Family → Marriage and Relationships

The two proceeded to talk about everyday things and surprisingly her mother-in-law did not find anything else to criticize. This occurred a few more times, with my client changing the topic every time by complimenting her mother-in-law or mentioning something positive about her.

Sections → Family → Marriage and Relationships

Dear Dr Yael:

During a shiur on Pirkei Avos, a rabbi admired by my husband spoke about how some people begrudge others certain things. He mentioned the “D” word (without saying the word itself), and I think he said it was an illness talked about in the Gemara. He said that people suffering from this “machalah shachor” (dark illness) should live in a desert with the wild animals. My assumption was that the person would be left to die there.

Sections → Family → Marriage and Relationships

Instead of putting it all on the men, saying for example that they are “trained” by “society” to feel, think and behave as they do, perhaps you could have encouraged these self-described happily-married women to look in the mirror and try to figure out why their husbands seem to act insensitively toward them.

Sections → Family → Marriage and Relationships

My friend forwarded this letter and I am sharing it with you, my readers as it concerns an issue that affects many in the “sandwich generation.”

Sections → Family → Marriage and Relationships

Dear Dr. Yael:

I am trying, over the Internet, to find programs for my son that are geared toward helping people strengthen their emunah and bitachon. Thus far, I have been unsuccessful. Do you know of any sites I can visit?

Anonymous

Sections → Family → Marriage and Relationships

He needs to have a different ring for his work number in order to be able to ignore all other incoming calls and message alerts. This will give him the opportunity to only speak on the phone or retrieve texts when it is absolutely necessary to do so.

Sections → Family → Marriage and Relationships

To this day, all the returned items remain in my parent’s possession. Baruch Hashem, this was the beginning of a very close and wonderful relationship between my parents and these machatanim – on that continues until today.

    Latest Poll

    If you could only choose one of the following scenarios regarding Chareidi IDF service, which would you choose?





    View Results

    Loading ... Loading ...

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/family/marriage-relationships/the-benefits-of-countermoves/2012/08/17/

Scan this QR code to visit this page online:

No related posts.

Close