web analytics
May 28, 2015 / 10 Sivan, 5775
At a Glance
Sections
Sponsored Post


The Burden Of Feeling Overwhelmed


Respler-020813

Dear Dr. Yael:

Your recent column on “A Grateful But Tired Grandmother” (Dear Dr. Yael, 1-25-13) really struck a chord. I am also part of the “Sandwich Generation” – but I am a triple-decker sandwich.

Baruch Hashem, I have over 10 children (four of whom are married). Being financially comfortable, we have a large home and full-time help – which means our home has become a haven for our married children, and a few of our teenage daughters are getting dumped on by their siblings.

Here’s what happens: On Shabbos our married children will often walk over and leave their children in our teenage daughters’ care. On Sunday they will call them and make arrangements for the girls to baby-sit. One Sunday we came home to find that our large playroom had become a makeshift childcare facility, with our teenage daughters acting as caregivers all day.

I was beside myself. I feel that our married children take such advantage of our teenage daughters, who do not feel that they can say no to their overwhelmed siblings. But as our younger daughters are themselves so busy with schoolwork, we often pitch in to help them when the grandchildren are over.

Here’s another story that strengthens my point: One of the married couples called to inform us that they were stuck Upstate and wanted to know if their children could stay overnight with us. The one rule I have is that overnight visits must be planned in advance, as I do not think it is fair to ask us to stay up with a child who does not yet sleep through the night. In the end, although we were not very happy about it, we kept the children for the night.

Please understand that I am not like the “Grateful But Tired Grandmother,” as I set limits with our married children. My problem, however, is that their kindhearted sisters seem to have a hard time saying no. And since we all live in the same neighborhood, giving the married couples easy access to our home, I find myself increasingly frustrated.

The married children, males and females alike, seem to feel that since we have a large home, full-time cleaning help and a few free babysitters, this is the perfect place for them to dump their kids and run off.

Even though our daughters do not complain, they sometimes seem a bit inundated. As their mother, I feel it is unfair how much our married children take advantage of them. And though I help them, I feel resentful that we are not able to ever have a quiet weekend whereby we can just focus on our single children, who also need our undivided love and attention.

How can we set limits with our married children in a tactful way? This issue aside, we love our children and want to continue having a good and respectful relationship with them.

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous:

Your question is challenging because it is hard for me to know each of your individual children’s needs. While it is a tremendous chesed for you and your family to often watch the grandchildren, it can definitely be overwhelming. Here’s your difficulty: How do you tell your children that you love them and want to help them, but that they cannot continue to drop off their children at their leisure? Perhaps you can speak to them about differentiating between “needing” your help and “wanting” your help. Explain to them that you’ll try to be there for them when they “need” your help, but that you may have to sometimes take a rain check when they simply “want” your help.

Discuss this situation with them when you are calm and have thought beforehand about what you want to say, as you do not want to cause any rifts in your relationships with any of your children. Being calm and in a good mood when having this discussion will increase your chances of continuing the seemingly good relationship you have with them. Remember that when people are angry or frustrated, they may say things that they do not mean and their tone of speech may engender a negative result. Thus, it is imperative that you talk to your children in a loving and relaxed manner. Simply explain to them that although you want to help them, and your teenaged children enjoy helping out with their children, you feel that you and the younger children sometimes need a break from the hullabaloo. Emphasize that you understand that they have their hands full and that you admire how good they are with your grandchildren, but that unless they have an important, unavoidable engagement and make babysitting arrangements before their commitment, they cannot just drop the kids off and disappear.

About the Author: Letters may be emailed to deardryael@aol.com. To schedule an appointment, please call 917-751-4887.


If you don't see your comment after publishing it, refresh the page.

Our comments section is intended for meaningful responses and debates in a civilized manner. We ask that you respect the fact that we are a religious Jewish website and avoid inappropriate language at all cost.

If you promote any foreign religions, gods or messiahs, lies about Israel, anti-Semitism, or advocate violence (except against terrorists), your permission to comment may be revoked.

No Responses to “The Burden Of Feeling Overwhelmed”

Comments are closed.

Current Top Story
Islamic Republic of Iran Broadcasting Organization President Mohammad Sarafraz.
US Claims ‘No More Extensions’ on Nuclear Talks with Iran
Latest Sections Stories
Road sign in Russian and Yiddish greeting visitors on the road just outside Birobidzhan. (photo by Ben G. Frank)

Birobidzhan railway station sign is the world’s only one spelling the town’s name in Yiddish letters

Ayelet Shaked

She’s seen as a poster child for The Jewish Home’s efforts to reach beyond its Orthodox base.

Teens-Twenties-logo

Girls don’t usually learn Gemara. Everyone knows that.

Lewis-052215-Jewish-Soldiers-logo

Mordechai and his men shared a strong mutual loyalty.

“Can I wear tefillin in the bathroom?” That was the question US Private Nuchim Lebensohn wrote to Mike Tress, president of the Agudath Israel Youth Council, in a letter dated November 18, 1942. Lebensohn was not your typical young American GI. Polish by birth, he was forty-three years old and married when he was drafted […]

To what extent is your child displaying defiance?

This therapist kept focusing on how “I could do better,” never on how we could make the marriage work.

Mistrust that has lingered after the fiasco in Ferguson, Missouri, has edged the issue forward.

“The observance of a kosher diet is a key tenet of Judaism, and one which no state has the right to deny,” said Nathan Diament, executive director for public policy of the Orthodox Union.

Two weeks of intense learning in the classroom about Israel culminated with Yom Ha’Atzmaut. Students attended sessions with their teachers and learned about history, culture, military power, advocacy, slang, cooking, and more.

The nations of the world left the vessel to sit rotting in the water during one of the coldest winters in decades and with its starving and freezing passengers abandoned.

Rabbi Yisroel Edelman, the synagogue’s spiritual leader, declared, “The Young Israel of Deerfield Beach is looking forward to our partnership with the OU. The impact the OU has brought to Jewish communities throughout the country through its outreach and educational resources is enormous and we anticipate the same for our community in Deerfield Beach as well.”

Our goal here is to offer you recipes that you can make on Yom Tov with ingredients you might just have in the house. Enjoy and chag sameach!

More Articles from Dr. Yael Respler
Respler-052215

This therapist kept focusing on how “I could do better,” never on how we could make the marriage work.

Respler-051515

Unfortunately, the probability is that he will not see a reason to change as he has been acting this way for a long time and clearly has some issues with respecting women.

Returning to visit my family for Yom Tov has become torturous for me.

Someone close to us knew that you were good at saving marriages and begged us to give therapy one last chance,

My mother-in-law and I have had our problems since the beginning of my marriage.

It is very natural for kids to want attention and to be jealous of each other, especially when there is a new baby.

How can you expect people who go through such gehenom to even know how to give warmth and love?

Isn’t therapy about being yourself; aren’t there different ways for people to communicate with each other?

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/family/marriage-relationships/the-burden-of-feeling-overwhelmed/2013/02/07/

Scan this QR code to visit this page online: