web analytics
October 21, 2014 / 27 Tishri, 5775
At a Glance
Sections
Sponsored Post
Meir Panim with Soldiers 5774 Roundup: Year of Relief and Service for Israel’s Needy

Meir Panim implements programs that serve Israel’s neediest populations with respect and dignity. Meir Panim also coordinated care packages for families in the South during the Gaza War.



The Challenge Of Remarrying

Respler-Yael

Dear Dr. Respler:

I am a 65-year-old woman who, two years ago, lost her husband of 43 years. We had a loving and giving relationship and I so enjoyed being with him.

My husband died in the middle of the night from what appeared to be a heart attack. It came as a total shock to me when he passed away. I have not been able to forget him, but my children encouraged me to date and set me up with a very special man. This wonderful man treats me like a diamond. He asked me to marry him a few times, but I just don’t feel like I am ready for a commitment.

My children are upset and have told me that I will never feel ready to get married. They’ve urged me to not forgo this opportunity because of my feelings toward my husband. It’s easy for them to feel this way because, Baruch Hashem, they are all happily married. I hope they never experience my pain, but I just feel so guilty getting involved in a relationship when I still feel loyal to my husband. I am also scared to let myself love again and then suffer the terrible pain of losing another husband.

Am I wrong to push this new man out of my life? Please help me make a decision. I don’t want to regret my actions.

C.S.

Dear C.S.:

You appear to be a caring and devoted person; I can’t begin to imagine how difficult this is for you.

Let me say that statistically, people who have healthy and productive first marriages generally have excellent second marriages. There is an art to being married, and apparently you have the talent to sustain a loving relationship. As your husband, a”h, loved you, he would probably want you to remarry and not live alone. “Lo tov heyot ha’adam levado – it is not good for a person to be alone.”

As for your fear of loving another man and losing him, that is a risk that you may want to take. The joy one experiences by being in a relationship is unparalleled. Whenever we engage in a relationship, we risk loving and losing that love. But remember that there is much truth to the old adage, “it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.” Companionship and love increase life expectancy, along with physical and psychological health. While it is definitely hard for someone to go through the risk of potential pain, it may be worthwhile for you to take the risk, as we do not know what Hashem has in store for us or how life will play out.

I agree with your children, who appear to be very special and caring and who have your best interests in mind. I am sure that arranging a shidduch for their mother with someone who is not their father was very difficult for them. However, they seem to want you to be happy and feel that you will be happier if you’re involved a loving relationship.

Take the risk and don’t miss this opportunity. It may be difficult to let go of your husband’s memory, but please realize that marrying again will not mean that you must forget your late husband or your beautiful marriage with him. You can always love him, as human beings have the capacity to love more than one person.

Also, it would not be fair to a second husband to compare him with your first husband, though most people understand that he will always have a special place in your heart. It may be a good idea to share your fears with this new man in your life and hear his views on the matter. But you must first be prudent in thinking about how to introduce your fear to him, so that you do not hurt or insult him. When you’re ready to address the issue with him, remember to be sensitive and careful.

Whatever you decide to do, be brave and always remember that we do not run the world. Although it would surely be very difficult for you to endure the loss of another loved one, you must understand that you may not have to undergo that experience again. After all, Hashem has a plan for you. So if you are confident that you can build a bayis ne’eman b’Yisrael with this man, it may be worth the try. Hatzlachah!

About the Author:


If you don't see your comment after publishing it, refresh the page.

Our comments section is intended for meaningful responses and debates in a civilized manner. We ask that you respect the fact that we are a religious Jewish website and avoid inappropriate language at all cost.

If you promote any foreign religions, gods or messiahs, lies about Israel, anti-Semitism, or advocate violence (except against terrorists), your permission to comment may be revoked.

One Response to “The Challenge Of Remarrying”

  1. RABBI DR, BERNHARD ROSENBERG.

    KINGS AND QUEENS, PAWNS AND KNIGHTS: THE ‘GLATT GAME’.

    “THE SHIDDUCH CRISES”.

    The Jewish populace seems too busy confronting themselves to realize that there is a shidduch, the tragedy before them. All of us are engaged in the “I am Frumer (more religious) Than Thou Game.”.

    Yes, the chess game of the Jewish people does exist and it consists of numerous players including Kings, Queens, Pawns and Knights. Let us analyze these players. The Kings and Queens are found everywhere. They are better known as the “Better Than Thou” contingency representing, with nose held high, the so-called “ultra ultra”, whose main function in life is to supervise and interpret the motives of others.

    The J.A.P., a term which applies equally to both sexes, reigns supreme. A true J.A.P. is one whose true emotions and feelings of dedication and idealism are hidden under the heavy burden of appeasing self-righteous motives. Is it any wonder that some young Jewish singles seek elsewhere?

    AND YES, let us not forget the elite, the “Yechis (status) Seekers”. “Remember my son, you belong to a righteous family; avoid the Baal Tshuvah (a non-observant Jew who became religious), after all they may change their ways. Remember who you are and where you came from.”.

    And if these were not sufficient, the Kings and Queens engage themselves in the “I AM GLATTER THAN THOU PAGENTRY.’ This requires the ability to openly criticize others regarding their mode of dress, their eating patterns, recognized certified Kosher products are not acceptable, the fictitious Glatt pickle is preferred, and, of course, an open attach against religious leaders, their ammunition being the infamous non-existent 14th century Chumrah (strict legal view) entitles one to acquire membership in this select group. The only problem is that no one wants to be a follower and thus the leaders continue quoting profound statements found in the tractate “Buba Meisah (fairy tales).”.

    Now, the heroic Knight enters the arena. This individual, male or female, traditionally minded and filled with the love of Torah, wages an heroic campaign. The Knights are represented by clergy and lay leadership who open their hearts to Jewish young people communicating the love and harmony of the Torah. Numerous Rabbis are fighting on the front lines to create a vibrant Jewish community. Young people are engaged in Shabbatonim, retreats and seminars in an active attempt to spread Yiddishkeit; yet, too often, Jewish organizations seem more interested in the establishment of plush swimming pools than in financing such religious projects a community mikvah (ritual bath).

    THESE KNIGHTS, however are confronted by numerous foes. Rabbis are challenged by the Glatt contingent whose battle cry seems to be “The Mechitzah (separation between men and women in the synagogue sanctuary) is not high enough.” Some musmochim (rabbinical school graduates) forget that they are not the leaders of the congregation and consider Shabbat and Yom Tov a day to play “Challenge the Spiritual Leader.” Others are more compassionate; instead of aiding the Rabbi, they just lean back awaiting the opportunity to privately render their illustrious Psak Din (Legal decree). This is the prelude to the “Let’s create another Shtibbel (synagogue) game”, starring these above mentioned unassuming geniuses of Jewish Law.

    Forgetting the great “Tuna Fish and Bubble Gum Controversy” of yesteryear, let us turn to other significant and crucial issues. The agunah, divorce and conversion procedures, together with the existing problems of Mamzeres require our immediate attention. Yet, they too cannot escape the “I am glatter than thou game.” We are informed that a sanhedrin (universal Rabbinical Court) is needed in order to solve many of our numerous halachic difficulties. The only problem, of course, is that we cannot agree on membership to the Sanhedrin.

    Why is there a Shidduch crises? Perhaps it is because in the chess game of life, it is the PAWN who suffers the most.

    THE TORAH holds the answers to all our questions; however, human beings, with G-d’s help, are needed to overcome so called obstacles.

    If only we, the pursuers of Torah knowledge, would realize that the battle is immense and the time is short. Instead of playing the Glatt Game called “Frumer than Thou,” let us communicate love and knowledge , let us act in the image of G-d; only then will we be worthy to be called Frum Yidden who walk in the “Glatt path”. In the words of Rav Kook, “Just at the Second Temple was destroyed by acts of brotherly hatred, the third Temple will be built by acts of brotherly Love.”.

    >

    Subject: : "Dating in the Yeshiva World" OR ANY OTHER WORLD BY DR. ROSENBERG

    YouTube help center | e-mail options | report spam.

    stevenperkal has shared a video with you on YouTube:

Comments are closed.

SocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

Current Top Story
Facebook post from man believed to be Canadian convert to Islam who rammed soldiers with his car in possible terrorist attack, Oct. 20, 2014.
‘Radicalized’ Convert to Islam Attempted to Murder Canadian Soldiers [video]
Latest Sections Stories

Sadly, there are mothers who, due to severe depression are unable or unwilling to prepare nourishing food for their children.

Michal had never been away from home. And now, she was going so far away, for so long – an entire year!

Though if you do have a schach mat, you’ll realize that it cannot actually support the weight of the water.

Social disabilities occur at many levels, but experts identify three different areas of learning and behavior that are most common for children who struggle to create lasting social connections.

Sukkot is an eternal time of joy, and if we are worthy, of plenty.

Two of our brothers, Jonathan Pollard and Alan Gross, sit in the pit of captivity. We have a mandate to see that they are freed.

Chabad of South Broward has 15 Chabad Houses in ten cities.

Victor Center works in partnership with healthcare professionals, clergy, and the community to sponsor education programs and college campus out reach.

So just in case you’re stuck in the house this Chol HaMoed – because there’s a new baby or because someone has a cold – not because of anything worse, here are six ideas for family fun at home.

We are told that someone who says that God’s mercy extends to a bird’s nest should be silenced.

Our harps have 22 strings. This gives musicians a wide musical range and yet stays within Biblical parameters.

More Articles from Dr. Yael Respler
Respler-101014

It is important for a therapist to focus on a person’s strengths as a way of overcoming his or her difficulties.

Respler-100314

I went to camp for many years. We cleaned our own bunks and did not have air conditioning.

“I would really love my mother-in-law …if she weren’t my mother-in-law.”

Not enjoying saying no, I often succumbed to requests viewing them as demands I couldn’t refuse.

It’s fair to say that we all know or have someone in our family who is divorced.

I recently met a wonderful woman who writes poetry. With her permission, I am sharing a poem she wrote about time.

What can we do to help him stop feeling so sad all the time?

Perhaps you can reach a compromise during this news frenzy, whereby you will feel more comfortable while he can still follow the latest events.

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/family/marriage-relationships/the-challenge-of-remarrying/2013/06/27/

Scan this QR code to visit this page online: