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May 30, 2015 / 12 Sivan, 5775
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The Power Of Love (Part II)


Herskowitz-Moishe

As the couple ascends to the third floor, Brindy says “Wow! This place is incredible, feel this carpet.” Just then, the bellhop taps Yossi on the shoulder: “Buddy I have been looking all over for you. You left your baggage in the lobby, in fact I am sorry to inform you that your bags have opened up. You now have clothes on the first, second and third floors.

“This is all your fault!” Yossi says, “This would never have happened if you had listened to me. You’re just like my father, he also never listened to me.” “Well, you are just like my mother!” Brindy says, “Never talking, just yelling at me! Nothing I ever did was good enough for her, I thought it would be fun to explore new things, but you’re as rigid as my father, always critical, angry and blaming everyone except himself!”

As they both are having an emotional flashback from their childhood Brindy at this point starts to cry, “I want to go home!” Yossi stops and reflects then says, “What’s happening to us? Just a few minutes ago, we were so happy! You know Brindy, the manager was right, we are home!” As you start to feel love and begin to start your ‘new home,’ you may encounter an emotional flashback. This is emotional baggage that you thought you left in your parents’ home, but it followed you to your new home. Couples may start fighting and not know why. Using the T.E.A.M. approach, couples begin to understand why they are fighting and that it may not be their fault. If each understands the other’s emotional baggage, only then can they feel safe to give each other the love that they need.

T.E.A.M. is endorsed by many prominent Rabbanim, including Rav Pam, zt”l, Rav Belsky, Rav Dovid Goldwasser, Rav Herbst, Rav Mordechi Tendler, Rav Lehrfield, Rabbi Pikus and Rav Ralbag.

If there are any topics you would like me to discuss in my articles, or have any questions, please feel free to contact me at CPCMoishe@aol.com or at 718-435-7388. You can also log on to CPCTEAM.org to download past articles and for more information about the T.E.A.M. approach.

MOISHE HERSKOWITZ, MS, LCSW, developed the T.E.A.M. (Torah Education & Awareness for a better Marriage) approach based on 20 successful years of counseling couples — helping them to communicate effectively and fully appreciate each other. As a licensed and highly certified social worker and renowned family therapist, he developed this breakthrough seminar to guide new couples through easy-to-accomplish steps towards a happy, healthy marriage. Moishe Herskowitz holds a certificate from the Brooklyn Institute for Psychotherapy and Psychoanalysis in couples and marriage therapy. He is an active member of the New York Counseling Association for marriage and family counseling.

About the Author: Moishe Herskowitz, MS., LCSW, developed the T.E.A.M. (Torah Education & Awareness for a better Marriage). As a licensed clinical social worker and renowned family therapist, he guides new couples through easy-to-accomplish steps towards a happy, healthy marriage. He can be reached at CPCMoishe@aol.com or 718-435-7388.


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In fact Hashem sets up couples that have opposite traits as an opportunity for each to help, learn, and heal the other.

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Your husband seems to have experienced what we have described as the Ambivalent Attachment.

Many times when a couple is arguing they may, unconsciously, trigger childhood anger. So much so, that if we would stop and listen to what they are arguing about, it would sounds like two eight year olds fighting in the back yard.

In my last article I had mentioned that often one of the symptoms of autophobia, a fear of abandonment, is that as adults people suffering with this condition may become extremely sensitive to rejection.

In part one (Family Issues 04-29-2011) we mentioned that often a symptom of the anxiety disorder, the fear of abandonment, is a strong need to be in control. That is because the person suffering from the disorder has lost someone in their past – due to separation, divorce or death – and may unconsciously blame themselves for the desertion.

The fear of abandonment, also known as autophobia, is an anxiety disorder characterized by an acute fear of being alone. Often, one of the symptoms of this particular anxiety is a strong need to be in control. This is because one has previously lost someone close through separation, divorce or death and may unconsciously blames his or herself for the event. When this happens, any type of separation may traumatize the person, even the marriage of his or her own child can be viewed as a life-threatening event.

The following was a letter sent as a response to the article, “Children of Shame” (02-04-2011). The article addressed the fact that children learn at a very young age to disconnect their feelings as a mechanism to end their feelings of shame. As these children become adults, they find it difficult to reconnect those out of fear that once again they will feel the pain of shame.

Children who grew up feeling shameful for the most part will have also grown up without someone to talk to about how it made them feel.

Shame is one of the most destructive feelings there is. It is a feeling that something is wrong within us and has a negative affect on a child’s self-development.

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/family/marriage-relationships/the-power-of-love-part-ii/2005/09/16/

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