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October 21, 2014 / 27 Tishri, 5775
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The Power Of Love (Part I)


Herskowitz-Moishe

By nature, the human mind will resist change, because change makes us feel out of control and vulnerable. One of the greatest gifts Hashem provided us with is marriage. Without marriage, there would be very little change and, as a result, very little growth.

Some of the T.E.A.M. principles the three A’s

1. Awareness — Love brings out the best in us and the worst in us: the best in us, so that we can develop an emotional attachment; the worst in us, in order to heal childhood pain and emotional wounds. This provides an agenda to work on for healing and growth. (If one knew the worst up front, one would never take the journey!)

2. Acceptance — A relationship is a commitment. Stop the blame; now that you are married, you are part of a T.E.A.M. It’s not your problem, it’s our problem.

3. Appreciation — Thank Hashem for giving you the positive energy to heal each other. Positive new love can heal old pain (old love). Begin to see the good things your partner does for you.

Any couple that is motivated and committed to learn the T.E.A.M. approach will have the foundation to build and keep shalom bayis.

T.E.A.M. is endorsed by many prominent Rabbanim, including Rav Pam, zt”l, Rav Belsky, Rav Dovid Goldwasser, Rav Herbst, Rav Mordecai Tendler, Rav Lehrfield, Rabbi Pikus, Rav Ralbag.

If there are any topics you would like me to discuss in my articles, or have any questions, please feel free to contact me at CPCMoishe@aol.com or at 718-435-7388. You can also log on to CPCTEAM.org to download past articles and for more information about the T.E.A.M. approach.

MOISHE HERSKOWITZ MS., LCSW, developed the T.E.A.M. (Torah Education & Awareness for a better Marriage) approach based on 20 successful years of counseling couples — helping them to communicate effectively and fully appreciate each other. As a licensed and highly certified social worker and renowned family therapist, he developed this breakthrough seminar to guide new couples through easy-to-accomplish steps towards a happy, healthy marriage. Moishe Herskowitz holds a certificate from the Brooklyn Institute for Psychotherapy and Psychoanalysis in couples and marriage therapy. He is an active member of the New York Counseling Association for marriage and family counseling. Mr. Herskowitz can be reached at 718-435-7388.

About the Author: Moishe Herskowitz, MS., LCSW, developed the T.E.A.M. (Torah Education & Awareness for a better Marriage). As a licensed clinical social worker and renowned family therapist, he guides new couples through easy-to-accomplish steps towards a happy, healthy marriage. He can be reached at CPCMoishe@aol.com or 718-435-7388.


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Your husband seems to have experienced what we have described as the Ambivalent Attachment.

Many times when a couple is arguing they may, unconsciously, trigger childhood anger. So much so, that if we would stop and listen to what they are arguing about, it would sounds like two eight year olds fighting in the back yard.

In my last article I had mentioned that often one of the symptoms of autophobia, a fear of abandonment, is that as adults people suffering with this condition may become extremely sensitive to rejection.

In part one (Family Issues 04-29-2011) we mentioned that often a symptom of the anxiety disorder, the fear of abandonment, is a strong need to be in control. That is because the person suffering from the disorder has lost someone in their past – due to separation, divorce or death – and may unconsciously blame themselves for the desertion.

The fear of abandonment, also known as autophobia, is an anxiety disorder characterized by an acute fear of being alone. Often, one of the symptoms of this particular anxiety is a strong need to be in control. This is because one has previously lost someone close through separation, divorce or death and may unconsciously blames his or herself for the event. When this happens, any type of separation may traumatize the person, even the marriage of his or her own child can be viewed as a life-threatening event.

The following was a letter sent as a response to the article, “Children of Shame” (02-04-2011). The article addressed the fact that children learn at a very young age to disconnect their feelings as a mechanism to end their feelings of shame. As these children become adults, they find it difficult to reconnect those out of fear that once again they will feel the pain of shame.

Children who grew up feeling shameful for the most part will have also grown up without someone to talk to about how it made them feel.

Shame is one of the most destructive feelings there is. It is a feeling that something is wrong within us and has a negative affect on a child’s self-development.

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/family/marriage-relationships/the-power-of-love-series-part-i/2005/08/12/

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