web analytics
September 2, 2014 / 7 Elul, 5774
At a Glance
Sections
Sponsored Post
Jerusalem Mayor Nir Barkat (L) visits the JewishPress.com booth at The Event. And the Winners of the JewishPress.com Raffle Are…

Congratulations to all the winners of the JewishPress.com raffle at The Event



The Repercussions Of Divorce

Respler-Yael

Dear Dr. Respler:

In your August 24 column, What Can Prevent Marriage, you eloquently discussed how losing a parent at a young age may cause someone to have a hard time getting married. As you made clear this is because of a deep-rooted fear of getting closer to someone and facing the possibility of loss.

Here’s my issue: my parents got divorced when I was young, and I am afraid the same things will happen to me. You see, not only are my parents divorced, two of my siblings – along with an uncle and an aunt – are also divorced. I feel as if divorce runs in my family, and even the married people who I am close with don’t seem to be to happy.

I am writing to you hoping you can address this issue and possibly calm my fears. Dr. Respler, if someone comes from a divorced home and divorce is prevalent in his or her family, does it make the fearful person more afraid of getting married?

I am a young man with many options, but I am afraid of ending up divorced – and miserable. Please help me understand this issue (it would be most appreciated if you would include research to document some of your suggestions).

I want to be able to get married!

Frustrated

Dr. Yael Respler and Dr. Orit Respler-Herman offer the following reply:

Dear Frustrated:

Let me say that we do understand your dilemma. Based on our experience your fear is somewhat valid, as children from a divorced home are more likely to get divorced. That being said, there are many other factors that come into play that can affect a person’s marriage.

There are many individuals who have grown up in a divorced home and have wonderful, happy marriages. There are others, though, who grew up in an intact family but end up get divorced. The manner in which the divorce takes place also plays a role in how the children are reared. For example, if for whatever reason a couple decides to get divorced but ensures that it is amicable to the point that their children are shielded from its details and one (or both) of the parties remarries and is in a healthy and happy marriage, the chances of the children having happy marriages are much greater. The reality is that many children of divorced parents, whether the divorces were amicable or non-amicable, are happily married.

Research shows that growing up as a product of divorced parents significantly increases the likelihood of a child terminating his or her own marriage. Children from divorced homes in America are more likely to get married as teens and marry someone who is also a child of divorced parents. This also increases the likelihood of getting divorced. Research also shows that children from divorced homes are one-third less likely to marry if they are over age 20 when the divorce takes place (Wolfinger, 2005).

More recent research indicates that children from divorced homes have an increased risk of having difficult relationships and marriages (Cui & Fincham, 2010). However, expanded research was conducted to understand why this is so. The two most important factors: conflict managment and commitment to marriage.

One of the main ways children learn about relationships is by watching their parents interact. If children see their parents communicate in a positive fashion, they are more apt to communicate this way with their siblings or peers – as children often copy their parents’ styles of communication. How conflict is handled and how quickly parents become angry seem to have a particularly powerful effect on children’s own skills in dealing with others. Cui and Fincham (see above) found that children raised in households in which their parents do not manage conflict or disagreement well are more likely to have similar difficulties in their own relationships.

Parents also sometimes connect their feelings of commitment to their relationships. Cui and Fincham found that children with divorced parents have less positive attitudes toward marriage and a lower commitment to sustaining romantic attachments. Specifically, when these young people come across difficulties or are somewhat unhappy with the relationship they’re in, they are more likely to end the relationship – as compared to young people whose parents stay married. This finding also extends to marriage, whereby children with divorced parents were less likely to remain in the marriage – as compared to children from intact families.

While findings have concluded that children of divorced parents can have successful marriages, if their communication skills are poor and attitudes toward marriage are negative, they will need to develop the proper skills to succeed. There are real strategies for improving relationships and developing committed, long-lasting and happy marriages – but it does not happen magically. Individuals must be ready to change and improve their attitudes about marriage and relationships skills.

You seem to be afraid of making the leap into marriage. Is it because you fear divorce, or do you subconsciously feel that you are emotionally unready for a healthy relationship? You may be helped by seeking therapy so you can work through your past and work on cultivating positive and healthy relationships. Hatzlachah!

About the Author:


If you don't see your comment after publishing it, refresh the page.

Our comments section is intended for meaningful responses and debates in a civilized manner. We ask that you respect the fact that we are a religious Jewish website and avoid inappropriate language at all cost.

If you promote any foreign religions, gods or messiahs, lies about Israel, anti-Semitism, or advocate violence (except against terrorists), your permission to comment may be revoked.

No Responses to “The Repercussions Of Divorce”

Comments are closed.

SocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

Current Top Story
Hamas' Ismail Haniyeh would replace Abbas chairman of the Palestinian Authority if elections were held today.
Poll: Hamas Would Rule Judea and Samaria in New Elections
Latest Sections Stories
LBJ-082914

What better proof do we need than the recent war with Hamas in Gaza, dubbed “Operation Protective Edge,” that transformed the pain and suffering of three families into a sense of unparalleled unity and outpouring of love of the entire nation of Israel?

Katzman-082914

So many families are mourning, and all along we mourned with them.

Astaire-082914

In addition to his great erudition, Rabi Akiva was known for his optimism.

Kupfer-082914-Chuppah

She told me that she was busy and that he could sit in his wet clothes for the rest of the day. It would teach him to be more careful.

What can we do to help him stop feeling so sad all the time?

Children with dyslexia or dysgraphia frequently have problems in social relationships.

Israel’s neighbors engaged in hostilities from the onset. The War of Independence was a hard-won battle. Aggression and enmity has followed for 66 years.

The contest will include student-created sculpture, computer graphic design, collage, videography, PowerPoint and painting.

David, an 8-year-old boy on the autism spectrum, recently attended a Friendship Circle event. As he entered he told his Dad, “I love coming to the FC programs ‘cause everyone loves each other.”

Goldsmith himself went on his own “voyage of discovery” to the places where his grandfather and uncle landed and were sent.

Frank proclaimed himself Zvi’s successor and the reincarnation of King David.

You’re probably wondering why the greatest advocate of fast and easy preps in the kitchen is talking about layer cakes, right?

Almost immediately the audience began singing and clapping and continued almost without stop throughout the rest of the concert.

As of late, vintage has definitely been in vogue in the Orthodox community.

More Articles from Dr. Yael Respler
Respler-082914

What can we do to help him stop feeling so sad all the time?

Respler-Yael

Perhaps you can reach a compromise during this news frenzy, whereby you will feel more comfortable while he can still follow the latest events.

There could be no Jewish-themed books and, as such, the lack of knowledge these boys displayed in regards to many of the topics we read about was clear.

Upon hearing that he did, the owner sent him the atarah – all shiny and new – to be returned to me. I was reunited with my father’s precious gift.

A prominent shadchan recently articulated a dilemma she’s facing.

The real solution to bullying is to empower the bullied child.

My teachers like me and they tell my parents that I am a great girl with good middos.

Some yeshivish couples do not believe in going out with other couples, but that does not mean that the women cannot have social lives.

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/family/marriage-relationships/the-repercussions-of-divorce/2012/09/07/

Scan this QR code to visit this page online: