web analytics
December 18, 2014 / 26 Kislev, 5775
 
At a Glance
Sections
Sponsored Post
8000 meals Celebrate Eight Days of Chanukah – With 8,000 Free Meals Daily to Israel’s Poor

Join Meir Panim’s campaign to “light up” Chanukah for families in need.



The Truth Always Wins Out

Respler-061512

Dear Dr. Respler:

When I read your May 25 column, Making Peace With Your Mother-In-Law, I started to cry, as I knew that the letter signer (Heartbroken Daughter-in-Law) was my daughter-in-law. We always discuss your column, and I guess it was her way of delivering a message to me.

Now here’s my side of the story. Other than acknowledging that I am the mother-in-law in that column, I will not supply any other details, so that no one will be able to identify me. Before the ballgame my daughter-in-law referred to, I was diagnosed with cancer. My situation has the doctors in a quandary. Some want to operate; others are opting for radiation/chemotherapy. They all agree that since it is early-stage cancer, surgery is preferable; however, due to my other health problems, they are uncertain that I would survive the surgery. Therefore, they are leaving the decision to me.

The diagnosis came shortly before the situation concerning the ball game. My husband got another ticket since I said that I had never been to a ballgame and wanted to experience one before I died. As death is on my mind all the time, I was so upset that I forgot to tell my daughter-in-law not to come with the kids (as she usually does when our husbands go to ballgames) – assuming that she would be understanding of my request. She was shocked when she arrived with the kids. For my part, I was so upset with my entire situation that I probably did not handle her reaction too well. You’ll remember that my son was upset and went home with his wife and kids, missing the game. When he came over the next evening we invited him to dinner, since we wanted to discuss my medical condition with him alone. He invited his wife to join us, but I was not yet ready to tell my daughter-in-law. So we informed our son about my situation over dinner, begging him to keep this secret.

When reading the column, I realized how much pain I had caused my daughter-in-law, who I truly love. Only then did I understand how confused she was by my behavior. When I immediately called her and told her what was going on, she began to cry. Then she invited us to come for Shavuos.

I’m writing this letter after an amazing Yom Tov. My daughter-in-law prepared an incredible amount of food (she made all of my favorites), with all kinds of surprises. She tried so hard to make me feel special, and is saying extra Tehillim on my behalf. Many rabbanim to whom we’ve spoken have given us brachos and have told us not to go public, since a nes nistar (hidden miracle) is preferable to hoping for a nes galui (open miracle). Thus we’re being urged to keep my health situation a private matter.

I know that when you often write about onas devarim (hurtful speech), you always mention the book, Positive Word Power, by the Chofetz Chaim Heritage Foundation. I realized that I engaged in onas devarim in the way I treated my daughter-in-law.

Thank you for running my daughter-in-law’s letter. I hope you run mine as well so people will know that there was another side to this story. (It will also help to improve our level of communication.) I wish to reiterate that I really love my daughter-in-law and have apologized for any pain I caused her. She is very upset about my circumstance, and with the love she has shown me I don’t know why I did not tell my son and daughter-in-law – together – about my plight.

I hope Hashem helps me overcome my situation.

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous:

Your letter was truly heart wrenching.

When I ran your daughter-in-law’s letter it did not fully make sense to me, as I knew that I was missing part of the picture. So I asked her to speak to you in order to better understand the full picture.

Your painful story has taught me the importance of knowing the other side of a story. Yehudis Samet wrote one of my favorite books, The Other Side Of The Story, in which she attempts to help people find a way to dan chavercha lekaf zechus (judge others favorably) in cases of miscommunication. I often recommend that book to others. Your story, in fact, highlights how we often don’t completely understand a given situation.

About the Author:


If you don't see your comment after publishing it, refresh the page.

Our comments section is intended for meaningful responses and debates in a civilized manner. We ask that you respect the fact that we are a religious Jewish website and avoid inappropriate language at all cost.

If you promote any foreign religions, gods or messiahs, lies about Israel, anti-Semitism, or advocate violence (except against terrorists), your permission to comment may be revoked.

One Response to “The Truth Always Wins Out”

  1. Kate Ray says:

    Simply wonderful.

Comments are closed.

SocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

Current Top Story
Sydney has banned the  Chabad menorah from being lit this year because of the murders in the Lindt cafe.
Sydney Darkens Hanukkah by Banning Chabad Menorah Lighting
Latest Sections Stories
book-elisha-davidson

Written with flowing language and engaging style, Attar weaves a spell that combines mystery, humor, adventure and Kabbalah in the most magical place in the world, the Old City of erusalem.

book-path-for-life

There are those who highlight the diversity of these different teachings, seeing each rebbe as teaching a separate path.

South-Florida-logo

Rav Dynovisz will be speaking in Hebrew on Wednesday, January 7, at 7:30 p.m.

South-Florida-logo

Rabbi Simeon Schreiber, senior chaplain at Mount Sinai Medical Center in Miami Beach, saw a small room in the hospital that was dark and dismal but could be used for Sabbath guests.

“The secret to a good donut is using quality ingredients and the ability to be patient and give them time to proof.”

I so desperately want to have a loving relationship with my stepsons.

The Liberty Bell is a symbol of American Independence.

Because you can’t have kids pouring huge jugs of oil into tiny glasses, unless you want to turn your house into an environmental disaster.

Try these with your kids; there’s something for every age group and once all the recipes are made, dinner will be ready!

You children will build the country and you will help restore Israel to her former glory.

Bais Toras Menachem is proud to welcome its new staff member, Yaakov Mark, who will be the Administrator as well as Ort College and GED class coordinator.

Because she is keenly aware that anti-Semitism may start with the Jews but never ends with the Jews, she makes the logical connection between the opprobrium for both America and Israel so commonplace on the political left.

In this narrative of history, it is the third world Palestinians who are victims of the marauding Jews, of course.

More Articles from Dr. Yael Respler
Respler-logo-NEW

I so desperately want to have a loving relationship with my stepsons.

Respler-logo-NEW

Isn’t there anyone making a simcha who understands that loud music can cause hearing loss?

My mother thinks of herself as a superior person, has very little feelings for other people, and probably suffers from a deep lack of self-esteem.

Sometimes the most powerful countermove one can make when a person is screaming is to calmly say that her behavior is not helpful and then continue interacting with the rest of the family while ignoring the enraged person.

There are many people today with very little training who put out shingles and proclaim themselves to be marital coaches, shalom bayis helpers, advisers etc.

When one marries someone with children, all family members must accept them.

My mother-in-law is totally devoted to her daughters and their children. Her sons’ children on the other hand are treated like second-class citizens.

How can I help my wife learn to say “no,” and understand that her first priority must be her husband and family?

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/family/marriage-relationships/the-truth-always-wins-out/2012/06/15/

Scan this QR code to visit this page online: