web analytics
October 26, 2014 / 2 Heshvan, 5775
At a Glance
Sections
Sponsored Post
Meir Panim with Soldiers 5774 Roundup: Year of Relief and Service for Israel’s Needy

Meir Panim implements programs that serve Israel’s neediest populations with respect and dignity. Meir Panim also coordinated care packages for families in the South during the Gaza War.



To Remarry Or Not To Remarry: That Is The Question

Respler-041814

Dear Dr. Yael:

My heart is breaking; my husband’s friend has gotten divorced. While this type of situation is always sad, here I do believe it could have been avoided.

The couple, advised by a so-called shalom bayis macher to end the marriage, were crying during the giving of the get. To my knowledge, this macher is not trained for this type of work and does it at discounted prices. Why then, I wonder, did they follow this person’s advice?

My husband said that his friend, who has two children and is not a kohen (thereby giving the couple a chance to remarry), is very upset. So are we.  Is there anything we can do?

Anonymous  

Dear Anonymous:

Unfortunately, I’ve heard this story before.

A rav with whom I’m close feels that these “shalom bayis machers” often do more harm than good. After all, if someone seeks marital assistance, the person is obviously seeking to improve his or her marriage. So why would this shalom bayis macher advise the opposite of shalom bayis?

Since your husband’s friend is not a kohen, he can remarry his ex-wife if they decide to do so. If they both want this, you can suggest to your husband that he help his friend get appropriate professional help to address the core issues between the couple. Successful mediation can help them resolve their differences and they can then start over.

In all my years of helping couples sort out their differences and attempt to remarry, I have rarely recommended divorce. (Uncontrolled abuse cases are exceptions.) Thus, if a couple is intent on getting divorced they are not likely to seek my help, as they know that this is not my goal.

Knowing this, a couple may go to the aforementioned shalom bayis macher or another therapist who they know is not against divorce in principle. When the couple goes this route, they regret the divorce that ensues.

Many other clients were advised to divorce but received successful marital therapy and are now happily married. This proves that with commitment, hard work, and flexibility, a troubled marriage can be repaired – even when things seem bleak.

To accentuate this point, here’s how one situation played out: Recently I met a woman who had come to me for marital therapy years back. She said, “After being advised by a therapist to get divorced, my husband and I decided not to give up and sought your help. While our marriage is not perfect after making difficult changes, we are now basically happy.

“Our children turned out amazing, having made great shidduchim. And we are blessed with wonderful grandchildren.  I’m so grateful when I see how the children of some of my friends who got divorced are unfortunately confused (some are not even frum). And they don’t have the success rate we have regarding their children’s marriages.

“My husband and I, using the therapeutic techniques you taught us, still work on our marriage every day. Learning from and being urged by us, our children also work on their marriages.  So your therapy is helping them as well.”

We can all learn from this example that while it takes hard work to overcome marital challenges, the rewards of ultimate happiness are real. And while not all couples can stay married (their differences might be uncorrectable), every effort should be made to save the salvageable marriages.

Do those people who preach divorce know that the Mizbeach cries each time a marriage breaks up? Don’t they realize the damage they are causing? Children of divorced parents can certainly become amazing adults, but it’s clear that divorce destroys the fabric of a family. Statistics show that children from stable homes, with good marriages, fare better than children from divorced homes. Researchers have consistently found that high levels of parental conflict are likely to lead to poorer life adjustments in children. That’s a major reason why it’s so important for couples in troubled marriages to seek help, with the ultimate goal of attaining marital harmony.

About the Author:


If you don't see your comment after publishing it, refresh the page.

Our comments section is intended for meaningful responses and debates in a civilized manner. We ask that you respect the fact that we are a religious Jewish website and avoid inappropriate language at all cost.

If you promote any foreign religions, gods or messiahs, lies about Israel, anti-Semitism, or advocate violence (except against terrorists), your permission to comment may be revoked.

2 Responses to “To Remarry Or Not To Remarry: That Is The Question”

  1. Yori Mendel says:

    It can never be repaired, due to the hardness of hearts. Most often, unfortunately, it is not started by the husbands. It’s unfortunate in most cases. Only Adultery and Witchcraft is it truly permissible to divorce, other than going to War. The old theme of divorcing before entering War, is a kindness, not a requirement. Unfaithfulness is primarily the cause, and that’s Sin.

  2. Yori Mendel says:

    Remarriage can only happen, when our own hearts have reconciled with G-D, and forgiveness occurs. At no other time, other than the two mentioned previously should marriage again be considered. For those who committed the treason of Witchcraft, they never should remarry at all. They lost their true love, which is G-D, by their harlotry. No other spouse needs their pain, reprehensible nature, or their unfaithful ways. Leave them be in their own self-delusions. They already sold out G-D.

Comments are closed.

SocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

Current Top Story
Terrorists attack Israeli soldiers with a Molotov cocktail in Arab village near Ramallah.
Palestinian Authority-American Shot Dead while Trying to Kill Jews
Latest Sections Stories
Nimchinsky-102414-Flag

This past summer was a powerful one for the Jewish people. I will always remember where I was on June 12th when I found out that Gilad, Eyal and Naftali were kidnapped. I will always remember the look on my sister’s face on June 30th when she told me that they were found. I will […]

Schonfeld-logo1

Avromi often put other people’s interests before his own: he would not defend people whom he believed were guilty (even if they were willing to pay him a lot of money).

Kupfer-102414

The Presbyterian Church USA voted to divest from three companies that do business with Israel.

How can I help my wife learn to say “no,” and understand that her first priority must be her husband and family?

My eyes skimmed an article on page 1A. I was flabbergasted. I read the title again. Could it be? It had good news for the Miami Jewish community.

Students in early childhood, elementary, and middle school were treated to an array of hands-on projects to create sukkah decorations such as wind chimes, velvet posters, sand art, paper chains, and more.

It is important for a therapist to focus on a person’s strengths as a way of overcoming his or her difficulties.

Sadly, there are mothers who, due to severe depression are unable or unwilling to prepare nourishing food for their children.

Michal had never been away from home. And now, she was going so far away, for so long – an entire year!

Though if you do have a schach mat, you’ll realize that it cannot actually support the weight of the water.

More Articles from Dr. Yael Respler
Respler-logo-NEW

How can I help my wife learn to say “no,” and understand that her first priority must be her husband and family?

Respler-101014

It is important for a therapist to focus on a person’s strengths as a way of overcoming his or her difficulties.

I went to camp for many years. We cleaned our own bunks and did not have air conditioning.

“I would really love my mother-in-law …if she weren’t my mother-in-law.”

Not enjoying saying no, I often succumbed to requests viewing them as demands I couldn’t refuse.

It’s fair to say that we all know or have someone in our family who is divorced.

I recently met a wonderful woman who writes poetry. With her permission, I am sharing a poem she wrote about time.

What can we do to help him stop feeling so sad all the time?

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/family/marriage-relationships/to-remarry-or-not-to-remarry-that-is-the-question/2014/04/17/

Scan this QR code to visit this page online: