web analytics
November 23, 2014 / 1 Kislev, 5775
At a Glance
Sections
Sponsored Post
IDC Herzliya Campus A Day on Campus

To mark IDC Herzliya’s 20th anniversary, we spent a day following Prof. Uriel Reichman, IDC’s founder and president, and Jonathan Davis, VP for External Relations, around its delightful campus.



What Can Prevent Marriage

Respler-082412

Dear Dr. Respler:

I notice a certain unfortunate trend. People who lose a parent at a young age often stay single for a long time – or, unfortunately, do not marry at all. This was first pointed out to me at a sheva berachos in the fall of 2011. My internal thought was that the person who lost his father when he (the son) was just 28 – which, in my opinion, is an age when one should be able to function on one’s own – was simply looking for an excuse to rationalize why he had not yet gotten married.

I then reflected about a few other people whom I know, all over 30, who are still single – but I still was not convinced. I have another friend who, unfortunately, has no parents and does not expect to get married. All of these situations caused me to start thinking that it was possible that the aforementioned person’s rationalization was not just an excuse.

Very recently a non-Jewish colleague, in his early 50s, was asked by our client if he was married. He responded that he wasn’t, as his father died when he was a young teenager. As this answer came from a non-Jew living in the secular world, I began to think that maybe there is in fact a general correlation between losing a parent at a young age and not getting married – or marrying later in life. Following my colleague’s insight, I had a date with a young lady who lost her father when she was young; she is one of four unmarried children.

My sister, brother, and I lost our father, a”h, when we were in elementary school. Baruch Hashem, my sister is happily married. My brother and I still have not found our basherts. Could it be that since parents may be one’s emotional and financial anchors, orphans have a very hard time getting married? Could it be that since orphans do not have both their parents to rely on, they have a hard time getting married? Could it be that since kol hatchalot kashot (all beginnings are hard), not having both your parents at the early stages of one’s growth makes it much harder for orphans to get married? Or maybe there’s a totally different reason why orphans have a hard time getting married.

Or am I totally off the mark on all this?

Anonymous This answer was written by both Dr. Yael and Dr. Orit:

Dear Anonymous:

Thank you for taking the time to contact us. It was courageous of you to discuss this personal and painful issue in writing.

When one loses a parent, one experiences deep pain. When someone goes through a trauma early in life, it can affect him or her in many different ways. Specifically, the early death of a parent influences a child’s development.

Additionally, children experience their grief yet again as they reach every developmental milestone. Thus, it stands to reason that when reaching the milestones of dating and marriage, people go through their grief again. It is important for a person in this situation to seek professional help in order to work through this complicated emotional process.

Research has shown that losing a parent between the ages of five and nine is perhaps the most challenging time for the child, as it is the most vulnerable and difficult developmental stage. Children at that age think practically, and have a hard time understanding abstract thinking. They often feel that the parent’s death is their fault and that if they behave, their parent may return. A child aged five-nine who experiences the trauma of a parent’s death needs to speak with someone who can clarify what the child is thinking and feeling, and who can reframe events to make them more logical. The child also needs someone who can help build his or her self-esteem, namely by praising the child’s accomplishments and by highlighting his or her importance. Even just having someone listen to his or her ideas and helping the child understand what he or she is going through can be extremely beneficial.

Perhaps children are afraid to enter into another loving relationship when they lose someone they love so deeply. This could be because they are subconsciously afraid of losing someone else they would care for so deeply – namely a future spouse. By not committing to a marital partner, they do not risk ever experiencing the extent of pain they endured when losing their parent. While this may sound a little extreme, it can truly take place in a subconscious way.

About the Author:


If you don't see your comment after publishing it, refresh the page.

Our comments section is intended for meaningful responses and debates in a civilized manner. We ask that you respect the fact that we are a religious Jewish website and avoid inappropriate language at all cost.

If you promote any foreign religions, gods or messiahs, lies about Israel, anti-Semitism, or advocate violence (except against terrorists), your permission to comment may be revoked.

No Responses to “What Can Prevent Marriage”

Comments are closed.

SocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

Current Top Story
What, me incite terror? Abba: "The Jews must be barred by any means possible."
Ex-Senior Justice Official Asks Homeland Security to Ban Abbas from US
Latest Sections Stories
Kupfer-112114

Divorce from a vindictive, cruel spouse can be a lifelong nightmare when there are offspring.

Astaire-112114-Horse

There were many French Jews who jumped at the chance to shed their ancient identity and assimilate.

L to R: Sheldon Adelson, Shawn Evenhaim, Haim Saban

As Rabbi Shemtov stood on the stage and looked out at the attendees, he told them that “Rather than take photos with your cellphones, take a mental photo and keep this Shabbat in your mind and take it with you throughout your life.”

South-Florida-logo

Yeshiva v’Kollel Bais Moshe Chaim will be holding a grand celebration on the occasion of the institution’s 40th anniversary on Sunday evening, December 7. Alumni, students, friends and faculty of the yeshiva, also known as Talmudic University of Florida, will celebrate the achievement and vision of its founders and the spiritual guidance of its educational […]

The yeshiva night accommodates all levels of Jewish education.

Recently, Fort Lauderdale has been the focus of international news, and it has not been about the wonderful weather.

Rabbi Sacks held the position of chief rabbi of the United Hebrew Congregations of the Commonwealth for 22 years until September 2013.

The event included a dvar Torah by student Pesach Bixon, an overview of courses, information about student life and a student panel that answered frequently asked questions from a student perspective.

It is difficult to write about such a holy person, for I fear I will not accurately portray his greatness…

“Grandpa,” I wondered, as the swing began to slow down, “why are there numbers on your arm?”

So the real question is, “How can we, as hosts, make sure our guest beds are comfortable?” Because your guests will never say anything.

It was a land of opportunity, a place where someone who wasn’t afraid of a little hard work, or the challenges of adapting to a different climate and culture, could prosper.

Rule #1: A wife should never accompany her husband to hang out with his buddies at a fantasy football draft. Unless beer and cigars are her thing, that is.

There are many people today with very little training who put out shingles and proclaim themselves to be marital coaches, shalom bayis helpers, advisers etc.

The two World Series combatants, the Kansas City Royals and the San Francisco Giants, were Wild Card teams (meaning they didn’t win their respective divisions) that got hot at the right time.

More Articles from Dr. Yael Respler
Respler-111414

There are many people today with very little training who put out shingles and proclaim themselves to be marital coaches, shalom bayis helpers, advisers etc.

Respler-110714

When one marries someone with children, all family members must accept them.

My mother-in-law is totally devoted to her daughters and their children. Her sons’ children on the other hand are treated like second-class citizens.

How can I help my wife learn to say “no,” and understand that her first priority must be her husband and family?

It is important for a therapist to focus on a person’s strengths as a way of overcoming his or her difficulties.

I went to camp for many years. We cleaned our own bunks and did not have air conditioning.

“I would really love my mother-in-law …if she weren’t my mother-in-law.”

Not enjoying saying no, I often succumbed to requests viewing them as demands I couldn’t refuse.

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/family/marriage-relationships/what-can-prevent-marriage/2012/08/23/

Scan this QR code to visit this page online: