web analytics
April 24, 2014 / 24 Nisan, 5774
At a Glance
Sections
Sponsored Post
Spa 1.2 Combining Modern Living in Traditional Jerusalem

A unique and prestigious residential project in now being built in Mekor Haim Street in Jerusalem.



BT Parents/FFB Kids (Part I)


Rabbi Yakov Horowitz

Rabbi Yakov Horowitz

Share Button

Dear Rabbi Horowitz:

What is your advice for ba’alei teshuvah (BT) parents raising frum-from-birth (FFB) children in terms of ensuring that the children are well-integrated, healthy and normal frum Jews? It is sometimes easy for us, as BT parents, to be very strict because of insecurities from our own upbringing and lack of family minhagim. It would be helpful if you offered a few pointers, to be explored with rebbe’im and suited for our family needs.

Thank you.

Dear Parents:

Your excellent question practically answers itself, and leads me to believe that you already have a deep understanding of the opportunities – and challenges – that you face in raising your FFB children. You hit the nail on the head when you noted that you wanted to raise “well-integrated, healthy and normal frum Jews.” That balance is exactly what you ought to be striving to achieve.

If you regularly read my columns, you may know where my suggestions will start. One of my mantras is that most of the issues that we face when raising our children are reflections of our own struggles. In order to raise well-integrated, healthy and normal frum Jewish children, you need to begin with well-integrated, healthy and normal frum Jewish adult parents. That means adhering to the timeless advice of Shlomo Hamelech (King Solomon) and remain on the golden path of moderation. After all, if you don’t want your children to be raised in an overly strict environment, the best way to achieve that goal is not to go overboard in your personal lives.

Here are some practical tips:

Grow slowly: Many meforshim (commentaries) suggest that the dream of our patriarch Yaakov (see Bereishis 28:12), where he envisioned angels climbing up and down a ladder, is a profound analogy to our spiritual pursuits. The Torah describes how the legs of the ladder were placed on the ground while its top reached the very heavens. The correlation is an insightful one for everyone, but is all the more relevant for ba’alei teshuvah. We ought to keep our feet firmly planted on the ground – all the while reaching for profound spiritual heights.

The reason that the image of a ladder was used in the dream (as opposed to, for example, a road leading to heaven) is that you simply cannot run up a ladder. So, too, spiritual growth needs to be a sustained and steady process.

Find a rav who truly understands ba’alei teshuvah issues: Not all rabbanim have a deep understanding of the complex mix of halachic and social issues where ba’alei teshuvah need individualized direction. Finding a rav who understands those complex issues – and you – will provide your family with an invaluable resource. Similarly, it may be helpful for you to find a ba’al teshuvah couple 10 years or so older than you who can mentor you as your family passes mileposts and lifecycle events. Those include enrolling children in school, bar/bat mitzvah, high school placements, shidduchim, etc.

I recommend checking out http://www.beyondbt.com/ for ba’alei teshuvah men and women. I am proud to serve as one of the rabbinic advisers of the website, and it has provided advice, camaraderie, and spiritual guidance for ba’alei teshuvah around the world over the past few years.

Be yourself: Ba’alei teshuvah may be concerned that they are poor role models for their children since they are following their less-than-perfect Torah and mitzvah observance. I think not. You are setting a wonderful example for your children by seeking to grow spiritually throughout your lives.

I encourage you to read a terrific article (available by running a search for “Kokis” on my website, http://www.rabbihorowitz.com/) by my dear chaver, Rabbi Bentzion Kokis, shlita, titled “Integration: Helping Ba’alei Teshuvah Be Themselves.” Rabbi Kokis is an outstanding talmid chacham with decades of experience guiding ba’alei teshuvah, and his advice is equally outstanding. He advises refraining from jettisoning your personality, hobbies, interests, education, career – and sense of humor – as you embrace Torah and mitzvos.

Distinguish between mitzvah, minhag, chumrah, and culture: In your question, you noted that, “It is sometimes easy for us, as BT parents, to be very strict because of insecurities from our own upbringing and lack of family minhagim.” In order to gain a better understanding of when to be firm and when to be flexible, you must distinguish between a mitzvah, minhag, chumrah, and something that does not fall into any of the three categories – namely a cultural practice. Here are some examples:

*Putting on tefillin is a daily mitzvah (a mandated commandment), incumbent upon all Jewish males above the age of 13.

*Refraining from dipping matzah in liquids on Pesach (commonly referred to as “gebrokts”) is a minhag (a custom only observed in some communities).

*Not using an eiruv that has been approved by the vast majority of your city’s rabbanim is a chumrah (stringency) that many accept upon themselves.

*Wearing a black fedora is a cultural practice prevalent in some communities.

It is extremely important that you fully understand the differences between these categories of Jewish practice – in your personal life and while guiding your children.

More on this issue, with additional practical tips, in my next column.

Share Button

About the Author: Rabbi Yakov Horowitz is founder and dean of Yeshiva Darchei Noam and founder and director of Agudath Israel's Project Y.E.S.


If you don't see your comment after publishing it, refresh the page.

Our comments section is intended for meaningful responses and debates in a civilized manner. We ask that you respect the fact that we are a religious Jewish website and avoid inappropriate language at all cost.

No Responses to “BT Parents/FFB Kids (Part I)”

Comments are closed.

SocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

Current Top Story
HAS and El Al have ended their long-standing partnership.
Breaking: HAS Visa Points Now Worthless for El Al Flights
Latest Sections Stories
Schonfeld-logo1

Regardless of age, parents play an important role in their children’s lives.

Marriage-Relationship-logo

We peel away one layer after the next, our eyes tear up and it becomes harder and harder to see as we get closer to our innermost insecurities and fears.

Gorsky-041814-Torah

Some Mountain Jews believe they are descendents of the Ten Lost Tribes and were exiled to Azerbaijan and Dagestan by Sancheriv.

Yom Tov is about spending time with your family. And while for some families the big once-in-a-lifetime experience is great, for others something low key is the way to go.

A fascinating glimpse into the rich complexity of medieval Jewish life and its contemporary relevance had intriguingly emerged.

Dear Dr. Yael:

My heart is breaking; my husband’s friend has gotten divorced. While this type of situation is always sad, here I do believe it could have been avoided.

The plan’s goal is to provide supportive housing to 200 individuals with disabilities by the year 2020.

Despite being one of the fastest-growing Jewish communities in the U.S. – the estimated Jewish population is 70-80,000 – Las Vegas has long been overlooked by much of the Torah world.

She was followed by the shadows of the Six Million, by the ever so subtle awareness of their vanished presence.

Pesach is so liberating (if you excuse the expression). It’s the only time I can eat anywhere in the house, guilt free! Matzah in bed!

Now all the pain, fear and struggle were over and they were home. Yuli was safe and free, a hero returned to his land and people.

While it would seem from his question that he is being chuzpadik and dismissive, I wonder if its possible, if just maybe, he is a struggling, confused neshama who actually wants to come back to the fold.

I agree with the letter writer that a shadchan should respectfully and graciously accept a negative response to a shidduch offer.

More Articles from Rabbi Yakov Horowitz
jewish psyciatrist

Those of us familiar with the do’s and don’ts of accepted practice in the mental health profession saw similar blaring warning lights in our minds, as should have occurred when the facts were made public regarding the accusations against Nehemia Weberman. This case may very well be our community’s most important abuse trial during our lifetimes. It is imperative that we have a huge turnout in support of the victim, a courageous young lady who, may she be gezunt andge’bentched, is determined to see this through to the end so others won’t suffer like she did.

Rabbi Yakov Horowitz

In part the altered lives victims of abuse and molestation live are a result of the abuse itself. But it is in part also because of the unfortunate negative reaction to the victims by their own community.

These lines are written in loving memory of our dear father, Reb Shlomo Zev ben Reb Baruch Yehudah Nutovic, a”h, whose first yahrzeit is 7 Menachem Av. May the positive lessons learned from this essay be a zechus for his neshamah.

All responsible leaders in our community have roundly condemned the recent violence in Beit Shemesh and Meah Shearim.

A surefire way to gauge the generation in which a person was raised is to have him or her fill in the following sentence: Where were you when ?”

Baby Boomers would ask, “When President Kennedy was shot?” Thirtysomethings would respond, “When the space shuttle exploded?” Today’s teenagers would reply, “On 9/11?”

One week ago on my website I announced my intention to attend the next court appearance of a man who was arrested last year and is now standing trial on 10 felony charges of child abuse.

Dear Rabbi Horowitz:

We were taken aback when our 18-year-old son just called us from Eretz Yisrael (we live in Europe) and told us that he was coming home and wants to immediately go to work. He said that he is wasting his time in yeshiva, and just can’t take it anymore. He said that he will “run away from home” if we don’t allow him to go to work.

Digital images of the profoundly disturbing computer-smashing ceremony conducted by Rabbi Aaron Feinhandler have been viewed by countless thousands of Jews worldwide over the past few weeks.

    Latest Poll

    Now that Kerry's "Peace Talks" are apparently over, are you...?







    View Results

    Loading ... Loading ...

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/family/parenting-our-children/bt-parentsffb-kids-part-i-2/2009/10/28/

Scan this QR code to visit this page online: