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Dear Dr. Yael,

I have been going through a very difficult time as my father recently passed away after a long illness. I have to say that your recent column on how one should act when making a shiva call was right on the mark.

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Some well-meaning visitors came to pay their respects, while others acted like it was a social event! People were kind enough to provide meals, but some thought it was acceptable to sit and eat with us. Others wanted all the details of my father’s illness, even if they never came to visit him when he was in the hospital.

People actually commented that it had been inconvenient for them that we held the funeral graveside instead of in a chapel which had been easier for them. And believe it or not, some complained about where I was sitting shiva.

Those were annoyances, as opposed to the hurtful, “Don’t mourn for too long; he lived a long life. Who expected him to live that many years? It’s not a tragedy.” The loss of a loved one is always hurtful no matter how old he or she is at the age of passing.

If people can’t be kind, and say the right thing when paying a shiva call, then don’t go. We are more insulted by hurtful talk than by the lack of a visit.

I do have great gratitude to those involved in burial preparations and the selecting of a matzevah for their help and caring and for those who came to pay a shiva call and knew how to conduct themselves.

It has been 30 years since I sat shiva for my mother and, as I thought back, I noticed that things had changed. We have to stop making every ritual in Jewish life a social event – even a simple seudah for a Shloshim has become a banquet! I was made to feel uncomfortable, and ignored, because I decided to make a special memorial in honor of my parents in shul, rather than waste money for people to eat at a so-called party.

Thanks for giving us a place to voice our opinion on such a difficult issue.

Grief Stricken

 

Dear Grief Stricken,

I am sorry for your loss and hope that you find comfort in the knowledge that you took good care of your father.

I think the difference you noted between people’s behavior 30 years ago during a shiva call and now has to do with what Chazal refer to as yeridas hadoros, a decline in the generations.

As we have discussed many times in this column, this current generation really struggles with technology.

Technology is wonderful; however, Smartphones, iPads, texting and social media have had a negative effect on our community. People are so tuned into “socializing” that they sometimes “socialize” at inappropriate times and in inappropriate places.

At the same time, this technology actually isolates people because there is no longer a need to talk to another person. The other day I called in my grocery order and they told me I could email it to them. I told them I like to call the order in and have the opportunity to discuss what’s on sale.

That’s not to say that texting and email don’t have a place; this column was emailed to my editor. And I have texted with clients to confirm appointments. But the more we use this technology, the less we need to have one-to-one conversations and the more it seems that we see each other only at simchas, or at shiva houses.

I am so sorry that with your grief you were made to feel uncomfortable. I honestly think people don’t realize that they are being insensitive. It is ludicrous for people to think that they were comforting you by saying that your parent was old.

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Dr. Yael Respler is a psychotherapist in private practice who provides marital, dating and family counseling. Dr. Respler also deals with problems relating to marital intimacy. Letters may be emailed to [email protected]. To schedule an appointment, please call 917-751-4887. Dr. Orit Respler-Herman, a child psychologist, co-authors this column and is now in private practice providing complete pychological evaluations as well as child and adolescent therapy. She can be reached at 917-679-1612. Previous columns can be viewed at www.jewishpress.com and archives of Dr. Respler’s radio shows can be found at www.dryaelrespler.com.