web analytics
August 29, 2014 / 3 Elul, 5774
At a Glance
Sections
Sponsored Post
Jerusalem Mayor Nir Barkat (L) visits the JewishPress.com booth at The Event. And the Winners of the JewishPress.com Raffle Are…

Congratulations to all the winners of the JewishPress.com raffle at The Event



Helping Children Cope With Trauma


Dear Rabbi Horowitz:

Our family is recovering from the terrible, unexpected loss of a loved one who passed away far too young.

My husband and I have differing views on seeking professional help to help our children cope with the tragedy. (Thankfully, at least on the surface, they all seem to be doing well.) I am strongly in favor of seeking this help, while my husband, who is an amazing father and has been our bedrock throughout this ordeal, thinks that we should leave well enough alone and not subject our children to the agony of pouring their hearts out to a stranger.

We are regular readers of your columns and recently re-read your “Open Letter to Teens Who Lost a Parent,” where you very clearly encourage them to seek help if they are having difficulty dealing with their grief. But what if they don’t seem to be exhibiting any such signs?

We would greatly appreciate your thoughts on this matter.

Respectfully, Susan

Dear Susan:

Al regel achas (literally “on one foot”), I would most certainly encourage you – in the strongest terms – to seek out the assistance of a trained, mental health professional to help your children (and their parents) cope with your grief. However, as this is a topic where input from a mental health professional is crucial, I reached out to Moshe Borowski, LMSW, ACSW, who graciously accepted my invitation to share his thoughts with our readers on the subject of grief counseling and the overall topic of helping children cope with trauma. Below, please find his slightly edited response to your letter.

For background, Moshe has spent more than two decades counseling members of our community who have suffered losses. Over the past 10 years, he has always made himself available to me, around the clock, whenever I’ve called him on behalf of individuals suffering through traumatic events who have reached out to me for guidance. I am profoundly grateful for this. On behalf of our readers, I would like to express my gratitude to Moshe for taking the time from his busy schedule to respond to these questions. Here are his comments:

At the risk of sounding self-serving, I strongly concur with Rabbi Horowitz’s advice for you to seek professional help in aiding your family members through this trying time in your lives. It is common for children and adults to “look OK” on the outside, but doing very poorly on the inside.

As a trauma therapist, I am often called upon to lend a helping ear after accidents or deaths. While situations should always be dealt with on an individualized basis, here are some general tips for helping children cope with trauma:

Explain that their feelings and reactions are normal and acceptable. Children often fear that they are weird or “going crazy” due to what they are experiencing. This additional level of distress can complicate attending to their inherent reactions to the incident.

Being reassured that their experiences are shared by many (while being careful not to minimize the uniqueness of what they are going through) is a tremendous relief. Keep in mind the incisive adage of the psychiatrist/author Dr. Viktor Frankl, a Holocaust survivor who wrote the seminal work, Man’s Search for Meaning: “An abnormal reaction to an abnormal situation is normal.” [Emphasis added]

Stress the importance of family unity. Explain that the entire family is going through this together. Children may be concerned that they are alone in their thoughts and feelings. Knowing that you are there with them – and for them – is exceptionally comforting. “Imo Anochi b’tzarah – I (God) am with a person in his troubles,” the Psalmist tells us. Hashem’s empathic caring, so to speak, is an essential trait for us to emulate.

Be an “Active Listener” – even if they have already described the incident and their responses to it. Make sure to maintain your composure and, if needed, have someone available that you can turn to for support. If you are unable to accomplish this, explain that the situation is difficult for you as well, and have your spouse or another familiar adult (family member, friend, neighbor, teacher, rabbi) “be there” for the children. Keep in mind that on some level, your child may be asking, “Will this happen to me and my family? Who would take care of me? Will I really be okay?”

Initiate hands-on projects. When trauma occurs, children feel as if their world has turned upside down. There is no longer any feeling of control, power or safety. This can be terrifying for anyone, especially children. It’s the role of adults to help restore some sense of control, at least over the “inner world” which we all carry around. Be sure to allow them input in choosing their projects. They can write stories and poems, or opt to paint and draw. They can focus on the event or express themselves in general terms. Encourage children to give tzedakah, preferably to a charity or fund where they can directly sense that they are helping people directly.

Stick to routine and be flexible. Which one is it? Actually a little of both. Routine can provide a child with structure and comfort. But be prepared for the distinct possibility that compromise and flexibility may also be needed. Schedule some extra time for them to fall asleep, read or play. If you feel that a young child needs to sleep with you for the night, or that you need to go into his or her room to facilitate sleeping, use expressions like, “Since it has been such a tough day, you can join us for tonight.” You want to avoid unwittingly fostering a situation where your child now “needs” to constantly sleep in your room.

Take care of yourself. Make sure that you have someone to vent to (spouse, sibling, neighbor, friend, rabbi/rebbetzin, therapist). Review some of the tips for children and find those that are also applicable to you. Be sure to exercise and find time for the things that give you emotional energy. Always keep in mind that the healthier you are – in body and spirit – the better positioned you will be to help your children when they need it most.

Moshe Borowski, LMSW, ACSW, is the founder and director of SSTART (School & Synagogue Trauma and Resilience Training), a non-profit organization helping children and families, schools and communities cope with various types of trauma or loss. He is also in private practice in Brooklyn and the Five Towns. He has been involved in counseling, chinuch and kiruv for over 25 years. SSTART can be reached at HealTheHurt@gmail.com or 646-673-5909.

About the Author: Rabbi Yakov Horowitz is founder and dean of Yeshiva Darchei Noam and founder and director of Agudath Israel's Project Y.E.S.


If you don't see your comment after publishing it, refresh the page.

Our comments section is intended for meaningful responses and debates in a civilized manner. We ask that you respect the fact that we are a religious Jewish website and avoid inappropriate language at all cost.

If you promote any foreign religions, gods or messiahs, lies about Israel, anti-Semitism, or advocate violence (except against terrorists), your permission to comment may be revoked.

No Responses to “Helping Children Cope With Trauma”

Comments are closed.

SocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

Current Top Story
ISIS in Quneitra
Updates from Kuneitra, Syria [video]
Latest Sections Stories
On the way to a field trip in Friendship Circle’s summer camp.

David, an 8-year-old boy on the autism spectrum, recently attended a Friendship Circle event. As he entered he told his Dad, “I love coming to the FC programs ‘cause everyone loves each other.”

book-alex's-wake

Goldsmith himself went on his own “voyage of discovery” to the places where his grandfather and uncle landed and were sent.

Collecting-History-logo

Frank proclaimed himself Zvi’s successor and the reincarnation of King David.

Itzhak Perlman and Cantor Yitzchak Meir Helfgot together in concert.

Almost immediately the audience began singing and clapping and continued almost without stop throughout the rest of the concert.

As of late, vintage has definitely been in vogue in the Orthodox community.

Stroll through formal gardens, ride mountain bikes, or go rock climbing.

As they fall upon us we go
To the WALL.

One minute you’re shaving shwarma off a pit, then the shwarma guy tells you he read a (fake) WhatsApp that the boys are dead.

I probe a little deeper and Shula takes me into the world of phantom pains and prosthetic limbs.

This went on until she had immersed eighty times, and then Hashem at last took pity upon her.

Because Menachem lives in Israel, he can feel the ruach in the air.

Perhaps you can reach a compromise during this news frenzy, whereby you will feel more comfortable while he can still follow the latest events.

Leon experienced the War of Independence from a soldier’s perspective, while remaining true to his Jewish ideals and beliefs.

More Articles from Rabbi Yakov Horowitz
jewish psyciatrist

Those of us familiar with the do’s and don’ts of accepted practice in the mental health profession saw similar blaring warning lights in our minds, as should have occurred when the facts were made public regarding the accusations against Nehemia Weberman. This case may very well be our community’s most important abuse trial during our lifetimes. It is imperative that we have a huge turnout in support of the victim, a courageous young lady who, may she be gezunt andge’bentched, is determined to see this through to the end so others won’t suffer like she did.

Rabbi Yakov Horowitz

In part the altered lives victims of abuse and molestation live are a result of the abuse itself. But it is in part also because of the unfortunate negative reaction to the victims by their own community.

These lines are written in loving memory of our dear father, Reb Shlomo Zev ben Reb Baruch Yehudah Nutovic, a”h, whose first yahrzeit is 7 Menachem Av. May the positive lessons learned from this essay be a zechus for his neshamah.

All responsible leaders in our community have roundly condemned the recent violence in Beit Shemesh and Meah Shearim.

A surefire way to gauge the generation in which a person was raised is to have him or her fill in the following sentence: Where were you when ?”

Baby Boomers would ask, “When President Kennedy was shot?” Thirtysomethings would respond, “When the space shuttle exploded?” Today’s teenagers would reply, “On 9/11?”

One week ago on my website I announced my intention to attend the next court appearance of a man who was arrested last year and is now standing trial on 10 felony charges of child abuse.

Dear Rabbi Horowitz:

We were taken aback when our 18-year-old son just called us from Eretz Yisrael (we live in Europe) and told us that he was coming home and wants to immediately go to work. He said that he is wasting his time in yeshiva, and just can’t take it anymore. He said that he will “run away from home” if we don’t allow him to go to work.

Digital images of the profoundly disturbing computer-smashing ceremony conducted by Rabbi Aaron Feinhandler have been viewed by countless thousands of Jews worldwide over the past few weeks.

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/family/parenting-our-children/helping-children-cope-with-trauma-2/2009/03/04/

Scan this QR code to visit this page online: