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October 1, 2014 / 7 Tishri, 5775
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Investing In Your Relationship


Schonbuch-Rabbi-Daniel

As many parents discover, building a good relationship with a teenager is not easy.  Often teenagers are reluctant to be close to their parents, and at times they look to distance themselves as much as possible.  If so, how can parents see beyond the daily power struggles of homework, keeping curfew, staying out of trouble, and succeeding in school?

The answer lies in a parent’s ability to create a supportive emotional environment that reduces tension, opens new lines of communication, and enhances a teen’s self-esteem.  Unfortunately, parents often get bogged down in trying to win every battle and lose sight of a much greater picture. But have no fear.  In a few years, adolescence will pass and parents will have the opportunity to share a life-long relationship with their teenager. In the meantime, the challenge is getting through these few years.

Jill Eikenberry, writing in Parade magazine, once beautifully encapsulated the dynamics that perhaps all parents raising a teenager experience: “You have a wonderful child. Then, when he’s thirteen, gremlins carry him away and leave in his place a stranger who gives you not a moment’s peace. You have to hang in there, because two or three years later, the gremlins will return your child, and he will be wonderful again.”

Indeed gremlins have taken the children away, but who or what are the gremlins? A groundbreaking study quoted by Dr. Michael J Bradley in his book Yes, Your Teen is Crazy – Loving Your Kid Without Losing Your Mind, sheds light on the development of the adolescent brain and gave us a clue as to the source and identity of the gremlin.

In 1991, Dr. Jay Giedd of the National Institute of Mental Health took pictures of one hundred teenage brains over nine years at intervals ranging from two weeks to four years. What he found provided insight into the teenage mind. Previously it was believed the brain was completely developed by age five or six. Dr. Giedd discovered that throughout the teen years and into the twenties, substantial growth occurs in a brain structure called the corpus callosum, a set of nerves that connects all the parts of the brain that must work together to efficiently make decisions.  This “wiring” is critical for intelligence, consciousness, and self-awareness.

The study also found that “the prefrontal cortex of the brain goes through a wild growth spurt that coincides with the onset of adolescence whereas the bulk of its maturations occur between the ages of twelve and twenty.” The prefrontal cortex is where the most sophisticated human abilities reside, including emotional control, restraint, and rational decision-making.

The good news is that parents still have time during adolescence to wire in good qualities like responsibility, learning, achievement, music, and sports. The bad news is that this is a time that may be filled with rage and alienation. Unpredictable thought pathways can outrace judgment capabilities just as they did in early childhood.

The remainder of this chapter describes some of the issues your teenager might be dealing with during this time of rapid change.

 

Physical and Psychological Changes

Sandy is fifteen years old and doesn’t like her body.  Her acne drives her crazy. Her body is changing and she feels overweight.  Sandy doesn’t know why she gets moody.  Some days she feels happy and other days she feels down. Sometimes she feels great while other times she feels overwhelmed and unable to cope with the pressures of school and fitting in with her peers.  To the outside world, her concerns may seem petty, but to Sandy they are very real and are constantly on her mind.

 

Relationships and Pre-Marital Sex

Jack, age seventeen, loves watching videos, especially the ones about male-female relationships.  His parents and rabbis keep saying that he shouldn’t date girls, but the movies and magazines he sees all support dating and view sexual abstinence as something old fashioned.  All of Jack’s friends say that dating a girl and engaging in physical contact is okay before marriage.

 

Conflicting Religious Values

Sam, age fourteen, is in conflict with his parents’ values. All his life, he and his parents have been active synagogue members and he always felt he knew the right thing to do. But now some of his friends are pressuring him to come along on Friday nights and party. He wants to be with his friends, but somehow he doesn’t feel right about breaking the Sabbath. The difficulty is that he’s not sure why. He knows he’s not able to be like his parents, but he also doesn’t feel good about what his friends do. The real problem is that he doesn’t know what he wants!

 

Learning Disabilities

Fifteen-year-old Steve is in tenth grade and has trouble reading and comprehending books on a seventh grade level.  Steve has a learning disability that makes his life more difficult than most other teenagers his age.

About the Author: Rabbi Daniel Schonbuch, MA, Marriage and Family Therapy, is an expert in marriage counseling, pre-marital education, and helping teens in crisis with offices in Flatbush, Cedarhurst, and Crown Heights. He is a certified PAIRS instructor, and trained as a Level 1, Emotionally Focused Therapist at the Ackerman Institute for the Family, and is a member of AASECT. He is the author of At Risk – Never Beyond Reach and First Aid For Jewish Marriages. To watch his free videos on marriage and parenting and for appointments visit: www.JewishMarriageSupport.com or call 646-428-4723


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More Articles from Rabbi Daniel Schonbuch
Schonbuch-Rabbi-Daniel

Separation anxiety disorder is a condition in which a child becomes fearful and nervous when away from home or separated from a loved one – usually a parent or other caregiver – to whom the child is attached.

Schonbuch-Rabbi-Daniel

I try to focus on the parents in a way that is not often addressed. As soon as the child gets anxious, the parent gets anxious;

Most people are not aware that anxiety disorders are the most common mental illness in the United States, affecting 40 million adults age 18 and older (18% of U.S. population).

Parental conflict affects children in varying ways, depending on their age. For example, teenagers around the age of fifteen or sixteen are most likely to involve themselves in their parents’ battles. Younger children may keep their feelings hidden inside and may only show signs of depression in late childhood or early adolescence.

When parents come to talk to me about a troubled child or teenager, I often find it helpful to explore whether or not their marriage is causing their teenager to be at risk.

Active listening is only one part of the marriage equation; learning what to say and what not to say is the other half. And, it’s not just about expressing your feelings, but doing it in a way that avoids hurting the other person.

Control may be the most destructive force influencing a marriage. Let me illustrate this point with the following story. About two years ago a woman named Bracha, 47, came to speak to me about her husband’s controlling behavior. This is how she described her precarious situation:

Controlling behavior may be the number one reason that your marriage needs first aid.

If you are unfamiliar with the topic of control, it’s no surprise. Most people are unaware that control is a major issue for counselors, therapists and psychologists-at-large.

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/family/parenting-our-children/investing-in-your-relationship/2009/12/25/

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