web analytics
December 22, 2014 / 30 Kislev, 5775
 
At a Glance
Sections
Sponsored Post
8000 meals Celebrate Eight Days of Chanukah – With 8,000 Free Meals Daily to Israel’s Poor

Join Meir Panim’s campaign to “light up” Chanukah for families in need.



Memories Of 30 Years (Part III)

Schild-Edwin

Over the years, I have learned how much our thoughts control our feelings and, in turn, how much our feeling control our behaviors. There really is a sequence to the way our feeling develop and what the results of those feelings will be.  I often find myself telling clients, “There is no such thing as emotions!”  Then I wait for their reactions.   My hope is that the client will challenge me, as obviously we all experience emotions.  It’s the way we are wired.

My next step is to explain that this statement is incomplete.  In reality, there really is no such thing as emotions … without though.  All of our emotions are the result of how we think about a situation, in other words how we understand what we see, what we hear from others, how our brain translates the situation, etc.  The way two people understand the same statement can result in their having very different feelings and reacting in very different ways.

An example of this phenomenon is the client who came into the office very upset.  When exploring he origins of her feelings, she said that while she was on the way to the appointment, her boyfriend kept calling and asking where she was. An innocent enough question for one person can become very provocative to the next.  When asked why that question bothered her so much, Sheryl answered that he called several times asking the same thing.  Once again, “Why did that question bother you so much?  In other words, what were you thinking that resulted in you being so angry with him?”  Sheryl finally said that she thought he was being controlling and treating her like a child.

Those negative thoughts resulted in her getting angry, calling him names and hanging up on him while she was in the office waiting for her appointment.  In other words, her negative understanding of the situation (thoughts) resulted in the negative feelings (anger), which, in turn, resulted in her calling him names and hanging up on him (actions).

This sequence is consistent in all our emotions.  When something unpleasant happens to us (trigger), our brain immediately begins the thought process (evaluation and trying to understand based on our own life history), which promotes a feeling.  Emotion leads to an action or behavior.  Therefore, negative thoughts lead to negative feelings which lead to negative actions.  This sequence of events is consistent in all our patterns of feelings and behaviors, whether a child, teen or adult.

Another life lesson I have shared with clients over the years is the concept of the “Anger Circle.”  Some readers may remember a series on anger management I wrote in 2010 in which I reviewed the Regesh anger management program.  Anger management has become a large part of our out-patient services for teens and adults.

Someone once asked me the following question: is there more anger nowadays or is it that people are more ready to work on their anger issues?  Personally I believe it’s both.  Quite some time ago I realized how contagious anger is.  That is, when one perceives that another is angry with them, one will in turn become angry with the other person.  Observe the interactions between those around you.  When the parent is angry with a child, the child becomes angry with the parent. Usually, when that happens, the anger is not for the same reason.  For example, the parent who is angry at the teen for coming home late finds the teen angry at him for effecting a curfew or for the way the anger is expressed – or possibly some other reason having nothing to do with the situation. Anger is contagious and a major component of anger management is not letting oneself get caught up in someone else’s anger circle.

About the Author:


If you don't see your comment after publishing it, refresh the page.

Our comments section is intended for meaningful responses and debates in a civilized manner. We ask that you respect the fact that we are a religious Jewish website and avoid inappropriate language at all cost.

If you promote any foreign religions, gods or messiahs, lies about Israel, anti-Semitism, or advocate violence (except against terrorists), your permission to comment may be revoked.

One Response to “Memories Of 30 Years (Part III)”

  1. COMME LA TRADUCTION FRANCAISE A ETE FAITE PAR UNE MACHINE ou par une vache dont on ignore l'origine….c'est moi qui suit maintenant en COLERE !!!

Comments are closed.

SocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

Current Top Story
Soldiers check Palestinian Authority Arabs for knives,explosives, guns, screwdrivers and anything else that can be used to murder.
Palestinian Authority Terrorist Tries to Kill Soldier at Checkpoint
Latest Sections Stories
Games-121914

Here are examples of games that need to be played by more than one person and an added bonus: they’re all Shabbos-friendly.

South-Florida-logo

The incident was completely unforeseeable. The only term to describe the set of circumstances surrounding it is “freak occurrence.”

South-Florida-logo

The first Chabad Center in Broward County, Chabad of South Broward, now runs nearly fifty programs and agencies. T

The NHS was also honored to have Bob Diener as keynote speaker.

Written with flowing language and engaging style, Attar weaves a spell that combines mystery, humor, adventure and Kabbalah in the most magical place in the world, the Old City of erusalem.

There are those who highlight the diversity of these different teachings, seeing each rebbe as teaching a separate path.

Rav Dynovisz will be speaking in Hebrew on Wednesday, January 7, at 7:30 p.m.

Rabbi Simeon Schreiber, senior chaplain at Mount Sinai Medical Center in Miami Beach, saw a small room in the hospital that was dark and dismal but could be used for Sabbath guests.

“The secret to a good donut is using quality ingredients and the ability to be patient and give them time to proof.”

I so desperately want to have a loving relationship with my stepsons.

The Liberty Bell is a symbol of American Independence.

Because you can’t have kids pouring huge jugs of oil into tiny glasses, unless you want to turn your house into an environmental disaster.

Try these with your kids; there’s something for every age group and once all the recipes are made, dinner will be ready!

You children will build the country and you will help restore Israel to her former glory.

More Articles from Edwin Schild
Schild-Edwin

Interestingly, sometimes people who have a very high self-awareness may experience intense reactions to circumstances that others might respond to more mildly.

Schild-Edwin

We define stress as the feeling we get when there is too much to do and too little time to do it in.

I’d like to share some valuable insights that, with clear and meaningful understanding, will have a tremendous impact on our family’s future

Josh is only nine years old, yet he’s an addict. How is that possible? You’re wondering where he gets his drugs from, how does his addiction manifest itself and if there are treatment plans.

often find myself telling clients, “There is no such thing as emotions!” Then I wait for their reactions. My hope is that the client will challenge me, as obviously we all experience emotions. It’s the way we are wired.

In Part I talked about celebrating 30 years of Regesh Family and Child Services providing services to children, teens and families. I shared the agency’s origin and the many lessons I have learned through this journey. As I mentioned, it is my hope that my experiences will add to your toolbox of life skills.

As I look back, it is clear that I learned much as an administrator and therapist – and as an individual experiencing life. I hope you will stay with me as I reminisce.

I know what you are thinking. What possible situation could cause a professional to advise a parent to “Pray hard that your children ignore you”?

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/family/parenting-our-children/memories-of-30-years-part-iii/2013/12/20/

Scan this QR code to visit this page online: