web analytics
October 1, 2014 / 7 Tishri, 5775
At a Glance
Sections
Sponsored Post
Meir Panim with Soldiers 5774 Roundup: Year of Relief and Service for Israel’s Needy

Meir Panim implements programs that serve Israel’s neediest populations with respect and dignity. Meir Panim also coordinated care packages for families in the South during the Gaza War.



Mirror Your Child’s Feelings


Schonbuch-Rabbi-Daniel

One of the most important skills good listeners have is the ability to put themselves in the shoes of others or to empathize with the speaker by attempting to understand his or her thoughts and feelings. As a parent, try to mirror your teenagers’ feelings by repeating them. You might reflect a teenager’s feelings by commenting, “It sounds as if you’re angry at your math teacher.” Restating or rephrasing what teenagers have said is useful when they are experiencing powerful emotions they may not be fully aware of.

A common battle parents have with their teenagers is about how much time they spend watching videos or playing computer games. Let’s look at two different modes of communication. In the first conversation, the parent is unable to deal with the inner needs of the child.

Mom: Sam, are you watching those ridiculous videos again? It’s time to turn off the TV and do your homework!

Sam: Mom, I need to watch my videos! All my friends watch this many videos in their homes!

Mom: I don’t care. You have to get your life together and stop wasting time!

Sam: Yes! Then I’ll be the big loser who doesn’t know what everyone else is talking about!

Mom: So what? I don’t care what other kids talk about. You have to take responsibility for your own actions.

Sam: I don’t care what you want. I have got to watch them.

Mom: That’s it. I’m taking the video machine away!

In the following conversation, Sam’s mother has learned the skills needed to be a good active listener and mirror her son’s feelings while also helping him change the type of videos he watches.

Mom: Sam, I’m concerned about how many videos you have been watching lately. I think we need to set up some kind of schedule to make sure you are doing your homework and participating in other activities.

Sam: Mom, I need to watch my videos! All my friends watch this many videos in their homes!

Mom: You’ll feel like you’re missing out on something if you don’t watch all the videos your friends watch.

Sam: Yes! Then I’ll be the big loser who doesn’t know what everyone else is talking about!

Mom: If you don’t know what your friends are talking about, you’re afraid you’ll look dumb and they’ll make fun of you.

Sam: Exactly, Mom! You see why I just have to watch all these videos.

Mom: Hmm, I can see that videos are important to you. Why don’t we talk more about what specific videos you feel you need to watch and see if we can’t come up with a compromise?

Through active listening, this parent was able to avoid an argument with her son while at the same time she negotiated with him about watching fewer videos. Practicing this kind of communication helps build a more caring relationship, one that will enable more positive interactions and dialogue on many important matters.

Empathize with Your Teenager

Finally, empathizing with your teenager may be the greatest emotional gift you can share with him or her. To empathize, parents need to listen to their children’s feelings, thoughts, and desires. Here is a good example of a parent using empathy to deepen his relationship with his teenager.

Andrea: Rachel’s Grandma died yesterday.

Dad: I’m sure Rachel is really sad that she lost her Grandma.

Andrea: She was always so nice when we went to visit her.

Dad: Your visits meant so much to her.

Andrea: I can’t believe she died.

Dad: You really enjoyed knowing her.

Andrea: I loved her so much. What will I do without her?

Dad: You loved her so much.

Andrea: When Moshiach comes, we will see her again. Right, Dad?

Dad: For sure. I love you.

Here are some examples of parents who are unaware of the rules of Relationship Theory contrasted with parents who are actively listening. Read carefully as the actively listening parent keeps the key principles in mind and builds a closer relationship with the teenager.

Rebecca Is Angry

In this conversation, Rebecca’s mother is unaware of the techniques of active listening.

Rebecca: My teacher says that she’s canceling our school trip because our class isn’t behaving well.

Mom: I guess it’s time to start behaving better.

Rebecca: Yeah, just because some kids don’t behave, we all have to get punished!

Mom: Maybe you do.

Rebecca: I can’t believe my teacher. She is really an idiot.

Mom: Don’t talk like that about your teacher.

Rebecca: Why do we all have to suffer because of a few stupid girls?

Mom: Because you probably all behave badly.

Rebecca: Oh, I hate school.

In this example, Rebecca’s mother uses active listening techniques.

Rebecca: My teacher says that she’s canceling our school trip because our class isn’t behaving well.

About the Author: Rabbi Daniel Schonbuch, MA, Marriage and Family Therapy, is an expert in marriage counseling, pre-marital education, and helping teens in crisis with offices in Flatbush, Cedarhurst, and Crown Heights. He is a certified PAIRS instructor, and trained as a Level 1, Emotionally Focused Therapist at the Ackerman Institute for the Family, and is a member of AASECT. He is the author of At Risk – Never Beyond Reach and First Aid For Jewish Marriages. To watch his free videos on marriage and parenting and for appointments visit: www.JewishMarriageSupport.com or call 646-428-4723


If you don't see your comment after publishing it, refresh the page.

Our comments section is intended for meaningful responses and debates in a civilized manner. We ask that you respect the fact that we are a religious Jewish website and avoid inappropriate language at all cost.

If you promote any foreign religions, gods or messiahs, lies about Israel, anti-Semitism, or advocate violence (except against terrorists), your permission to comment may be revoked.

No Responses to “Mirror Your Child’s Feelings”

Comments are closed.

SocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

Current Top Story
Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu meets with US President Barack Obama at the White House, Oct. 1, 2014.
Netanyahu, Obama Focus on Different Priorities in White House Talk
Latest Sections Stories
Israeli winery

“You want to know what this wine looked like, which wine King David drank, white or red…. We can see if it’s red or white, strong or weak.”

Mindy-092614-Choc-Roll

I should be pursuing plateaus of pure and holy, but I’m busy delving and developing palatable palates instead.

Schonfeld-logo1

Brown argues that this wholehearted living must extend into our parenting.

If we truly honor the other participants in a conversation, we can support, empathize with, and even celebrate their feelings.

I witnessed the true strength of Am Yisrael during those few days.

She writes intuitively, freely, and only afterwards understands the meaning of what she has written.

“I knew it was a great idea, a win-win situation for everyone,” said Burstein.

Not knowing any better, I assumed that Molly and her mother must be voracious readers.

“I would really love my mother-in-law …if she weren’t my mother-in-law.”

For each weekly reading, Rabbi Grysman begins with a synopsis of the Torah portion, followed by a focus on a major issue.

It’s Rosh Hashanah. A new year. Time for a fresh start. Time for a new slate. Time for change.

Governor Rick Scott visited North Miami Beach/Aventura on the morning of Wednesday, September 17.

While the cost per student is higher than mainstream schools, Metzuyan Academy ESE is a priceless educational opportunity for children with special needs in South Florida.

Challah-pa-looza helped get the community ready and excited about the upcoming Jewish New Year.

More Articles from Rabbi Daniel Schonbuch
Schonbuch-Rabbi-Daniel

Separation anxiety disorder is a condition in which a child becomes fearful and nervous when away from home or separated from a loved one – usually a parent or other caregiver – to whom the child is attached.

Schonbuch-Rabbi-Daniel

I try to focus on the parents in a way that is not often addressed. As soon as the child gets anxious, the parent gets anxious;

Most people are not aware that anxiety disorders are the most common mental illness in the United States, affecting 40 million adults age 18 and older (18% of U.S. population).

Parental conflict affects children in varying ways, depending on their age. For example, teenagers around the age of fifteen or sixteen are most likely to involve themselves in their parents’ battles. Younger children may keep their feelings hidden inside and may only show signs of depression in late childhood or early adolescence.

When parents come to talk to me about a troubled child or teenager, I often find it helpful to explore whether or not their marriage is causing their teenager to be at risk.

Active listening is only one part of the marriage equation; learning what to say and what not to say is the other half. And, it’s not just about expressing your feelings, but doing it in a way that avoids hurting the other person.

Control may be the most destructive force influencing a marriage. Let me illustrate this point with the following story. About two years ago a woman named Bracha, 47, came to speak to me about her husband’s controlling behavior. This is how she described her precarious situation:

Controlling behavior may be the number one reason that your marriage needs first aid.

If you are unfamiliar with the topic of control, it’s no surprise. Most people are unaware that control is a major issue for counselors, therapists and psychologists-at-large.

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/family/parenting-our-children/mirror-your-childs-feelings/2011/01/05/

Scan this QR code to visit this page online: