Parenting Our Children

Mrs. D., the mother of two children under the age of four, came to see me – she was in the seventh month of her third pregnancy. This baby was unexpected. She had “difficulty” after her last pregnancy, and already tearful, she wanted me to get to know her now, so that I could help her later, when the depression hit. She was not sure she would be able to handle it all again.

Dear Gary, As Pesach approaches, I get worried because I want to have a great Yom Tov, and yet, every year, the seder ends in some sort of fighting and arguing. My husband wants the seder to be all about divrei Torah and so do I, but between the younger children (who we want to be awake for the whole seder) and guests, we somehow end up in stern looks and squabbles. I'm happy we have guests or else we'd probably start yelling at each other and even Eliyahu Hanavi would bail. I know everyone jokes about how tough Pesach is, but I can't see the humor anymore – and neither can my children. What can we do to manage a calm (I don't even wish for happy) seder? A Sad Mom

In the first part of this article (Family Issues 3-2-2012) I shared the many memories resulting from my year of avaylus (mourning) for my mother. This week I would like to connect those memories to a better understanding of how good could potentially come from bad happenings in an effort to improve relationships.

It was Yehudah’s third birthday party. Instead of calmly interacting with his guests, he either ignored them or bossed them around with his limited vocabulary of ten words. He ran around nonstop and elbowed every person in his path. Then, his mother, Shoshana, decided he needed some time to himself so she asked him to play quietly in the den for a few minutes.

Dear Dr. Respler: I enjoyed your recent column concerning the jealousy a girl had toward her newborn brother.

In her ninety-eighth year my mother beat pneumonia twice. She always said that she would know when her time was up – and she did. People would ask her what she attributed her many years to. Though she was not raised in a religious home, she would always say that Hashem knew what He was doing. We learn in the Torah when one honors parents the reward is a long life. She was certainly proof of this.

Asperger’s Syndrome was first described in the 1940s by Austrian pediatrician Hans Asperger, who noticed that he had many patients who were deficient in social and communicative skills even though they had normal language development and cognitive abilities. Professionals still debate as to whether Asperger’s Syndrome is “high-functioning autism” or whether it is its own disorder completely. Regardless, in 1994, Asperger’s Syndrome was added to The American Psychiatric Association's Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV) as a separate disorder from autism.

Multi-generational families are making a comeback these days. For some the choice is made out of necessity because of the unstable economy, for others it is due to the physical needs of either the younger generation or aging parents. And then sometimes the decision to live this way is out of a mutual desire to be full and present participants in extended family life. For us it was a combination of factors that brought us to this point.

“Oh. I was just thinking about you. How was your day?” Ruti’s mother asked her the minute she walked through the door. “Fine, Mommy.”

A few weeks ago in these pages you were introduced to Menifa - Leverage for Life, a nonprofit organization based in Israel that works with youth at risk who have dropped out of high school.

In the previous two columns, we focused on phonics, sight-reading, comprehension and fluency. While phonics and sight-reading are different approaches to reading instruction, comprehension and fluency measure the level at which a student reads.

It’s been more than six months since The Jewish Press published an op-ed titled “Orthodox Homosexuals and the Pursuit of Self Indulgence.” In the article, the writer, while not mentioning my name, calls me shameless and self-indulgent and suggests that I learn to suffer in silence.

There was a time when I thought we would never reach this stage. However, I can now say that we are "courtroom-drama free" – at least in regards to our blended family. The scars remain, the experiences no doubt have changed us, but the constant upheavals no longer control our daily lives.

Like most first grade classrooms, the one I was observing had students with multiple reading levels. Accordingly, the head teacher had divided the students into different groups so that they could practice skills that were relevant to all members of the small group.

I had just picked up my son from his first day of school, when this beautiful woman smiled at me, then at my children, and continued on her way. A flood of wonderful memories washed over me; this woman had been my first grade teacher.

Peeking her head into her daughter’s preschool classroom, Shayna heard Morah Esther singing a melodic song while the children clapped their hands and stomped their feet.

Have you ever seen pictures or a video of a caterpillar transforming into a butterfly - what a miraculous site, truly a confirmation of the Creator constantly at work.

Tikun Olam, "repairing the world" has become a modern day catch phrase. It appears to be everywhere from the yeshiva world, to Christian groups, used by even certifiable cult leaders and Kabbalah enthusiasts - both the respected ones and the phony ones

Years ago, a young man, who I will call Baruch, came to see me as his parents were concerned about his recent test scores.

Over the many years of providing residential, as well as outpatient care, we realized that children and youth with symptoms of an attachment disorder acted out the most and were difficult children to make immediate progress with.

When I became the mom of a blended family more that fifteen years ago, I imagined that there were only two possible options: either we blended or we didn’t, and blending was the definitive goal.

Have you ever noticed that when four year olds play baseball every member of the team runs to field the ball? Do you pay attention to the fact that toddlers are eager to help with clean up regardless of whether they made the mess?

A child's uniqueness is something to be celebrated. When that uniqueness translates into diverse abilities and learning styles in the classroom, however, teachers are faced with a dilemma.

Sara is pulling straight A's in all of her classes. She scores high grades on most of her exams and tests. You would think that she and her parents would be thrilled with her progress. But Sara is struggling in school despite her academic excellence. Socially, she is a wreck. While all the other girls easily group together during recess she has few friends, little social contact, and she is generally reclusive and shy around classmates and teachers.

Certainly most of us have heard the term "deadbeat-dad" used in relation to fathers who fail to be financially responsible for their children. There is also another type of "deadbeat- parent” (I prefer to use the word parent in an effort to avoid gender bias and with the understanding that this phenomenon can occur with mothers as well), and the phrase is used to depict parents who are emotionally unavailable or inattentive to their children's emotional needs after the breakdown of their marriage.

In Part I (Family Issues 10-14-2011) we discussed how many of us personalize different situations and how that affects our effectiveness in dealing with those situations.

“Hi Tammy. It’s Penina. It was so nice meeting you and spending Shabbos with you guys last week. It was such an amazing weekend. I wish we were going back on the shabbaton this coming Shabbos!”

As the new school year begins, we parents must gain insight into one of the common causes of youth at risk -- abuse and molestation. It is a highly sensitive issue generally deemed the domain of mental health professionals and community leaders, with a host of significant halachic ramifications, such as raglayim l’davor - meaning reasonable suspicion, which is the halachic threshold to permit reporting to authorities under the rules of mesira.

Scenario: your teenager starts smoking and you detect it by smelling it on his or her breath or by finding packs of cigarettes in his or her bedroom. Possible inner issues: control, self-esteem, lack of relationships.

The principles of Relationship Theory (where the greater the relationship, the greater the ability parents have to connect to their teenager) can help address some of the key issues facing teenagers today including: problems concentrating during prayers, difficulty in school, listening to secular music, smoking, rude behavior and alcohol and drug abuse.