Parenting Our Children

When verbalized in connection with parenting, the idiomatic expression, on the same page, at times, is misunderstood. Some people believe the term implies total agreement where one of the spouses gives up his/her right to disagree on an opinion, decision or direction s/he wishes to follow. In truth, while "agreement" is definitely implied, the undercurrent is one of a supportive nature.

The first column I ever wrote was published in the May 1996 issue of The Jewish Observer. My topic, underachieving children and the increased rate of dropouts of boys and girls from our community, was not discussed in polite company at that time.

One of the positive outcomes of the brouhaha regarding the harassment of Dr. Benzion Twerski - which led to his resignation from Assemblyman Dov Hikind's panel on child abuse - was the realization on the part of many members of our community that they cannot afford to sit on the sidelines any longer.

It is difficult to describe the sickening, gut-wrenching sensation I experience when I get phone calls from parents whose children were sexually abused or from adults who have carried the horrible scars of childhood abuse for decades, often shredding their relationships and ruining their lives.

In last week's column, a parent named Sara asked how she should deal with a book she bought on the planets that contains text describing the world as being 15 billion years old. She questioned if she ought to read it to her children and discuss with them the fact that there are people who believe this - while sharing with them our belief that the Torah teaches us that the world is 5,766 years old.

Dear Rabbi Horowitz: Recently, I bought a book on the planets that begins with a description of a 15 billion-year-old world. Can I read that book to my children and discuss with them the fact that there are people (even smart people) in the world who believe this, yet help them understand our belief that the Torah - which is the emes - teaches us that the world is 5,768 years old? I want my children to know that there are people who incorrectly believe this, and I also would like them to hear this from me - and not from someone who doesn't have proper hashkafos. At the same time, I understand that the theory of evolution is not accepted in the Torah world. I hope I am not putting you in an uncomfortable position with this question. Sara

As Bnei Yisroel passed through the land of Ya'azer and Gilad in the "Ever HaYarden" (land East of the Jordan River) they noticed that the land was very fertile and quite suitable for grazing animals.

Rabbi Horowitz: We are not quite sure how to respond to the request of our 12-year-old son, who is begging us to be "left alone" for the second "trip" (the last four weeks of summer) and not attend a local day camp.

Our Yeshivos and Bais Yaakovs face the growing rate of childhood obesity. "Overweight children are more likely than their normal-weight counterparts to grow into obese adults. Obesity can lead to high blood pressure, high cholesterol, stroke, sleep apnea, type 2 diabetes, heart disease, bone and joint problems, asthma, and several types of cancer," says Chaya Stern, RPA and nutritionist.

The sweet and salty salvation of picky eaters across the lunchroom has become public enemy number one to many children. The tub of peanut butter that taught me the meaning of "industrial size," is no longer relevant in many schools.

Dear Rabbi Horowitz: We are all aware of the terrible churban that recently took place in Yerushalayim's Merkaz HaRav yeshiva, where eight precious neshamas were taken from us.

Dear Rabbi Horowitz: We are all aware of the terrible churban that recently took place in Yerushalayim's Merkaz HaRav yeshiva, where eight precious neshamas were taken from us.

A terribly sad version of the expression, "Water, water everywhere, nor any drop to drink," often comes to mind whenever I am approached by single parents (usually mothers) asking me to assist them in finding a caring, responsible adult to take their child or children (usually their son or sons) to shul on Shabbos and/or Yom Tov.

About eight years ago, I was out walking when our son Shlomie, then 16 years old, called me on my cell phone. He asked me if I heard the news. "What news?" I asked.

Dear Rabbi Horowitz: As the parents of three teenage boys, we are frightened each Purim that our kids will drink heavily and, chas v'shalom, get violently ill - or worse, get hurt in a car crash.

The Torah relates how the Nessiim, the leaders of each tribe, donated the precious stones that were worn by the Kohen Gadol (High Priest) in his priestly garments, the Ephod and the Choshen.

Dear Rabbi Horowitz: We have six children ranging in age from a married daughter of 22 to a son of eight. Baruch Hashem, things are well with us regarding shalom bayis, parnassah and other areas of our lives.

Our 12-year-old son is not doing well in his 7th grade local yeshiva class. We are considering moving him to another local yeshiva in mid-year, as things are rapidly deteriorating. We are not asking for specific advice, as you do not know him or us. But can you share with us what questions to ask and answers to give when making this difficult decision? Names Withheld

Our 12-year-old son is not doing well in his 7th grade local yeshiva class. We are considering moving him to another local yeshiva in mid-year, as things are rapidly deteriorating. We are not asking for specific advice, as you do not know him or us. But can you share with us what questions to ask and answers to give when making this difficult decision? Names Withheld

Our 12-year-old son is not doing well in his 7th grade local yeshiva class. We are considering moving him to another local yeshiva in mid-year, as things are rapidly deteriorating. We are not asking for specific advice, as you do not know him or us. But can you share with us what questions to ask and answers to give when making this difficult decision? Names Withheld

Our 12-year-old son is not doing well in his 7th grade local yeshiva class. We are considering moving him to another local yeshiva in mid-year, as things are rapidly deteriorating. We are not asking for specific advice, as you do not know him or us. But can you share with us what questions to ask and answers to give when making this difficult decision? Names Withheld

The brothers of Yosef referred to him as the "The Dreamer" (Beraishis 37:19). And, while the brothers seemed to have used the title in a disparaging manner, Yosef's life was, in fact, inextricably tied to dreams.

As Yaakov makes his way back to the land of Canaan, several events - spanning the full range of emotions - transpire in rapid succession.

Dear Rabbi Horowitz: Our eldest child is in 10th grade at a local Bais Yaakov. She is doing well in school and is generally well-behaved at home. However, over the past year or so, everything we tell or ask her becomes a full-scale negotiating session. It doesn't make a difference what the issue is - curfew, when to do her homework, when to clean her room, etc. It is draining our energy and eroding our relationship with her. Here are our questions: 1. Is this normal? 2. Isn't it disrespectful for children to challenge their parents like this? Neither of us thinks we did this to our parents. 3. Do you have any practical suggestions for us? Names Withheld

Dear Rabbi Horowitz: Our eldest child is in 10th grade at a local Bais Yaakov. She is doing well in school and is generally well behaved at home. However, over the past year or so, everything we tell her or ask her becomes a full-scale negotiating session. It doesn't make a difference what the issue is - curfew, when to do her homework, when to clean her room, etc. It is draining our energy and eroding our relationship with her. Here are our questions: 1. Is this normal? 2. Isn't it disrespectful for children to challenge their parents like this? Neither of us thinks we did this to our parents. 3. Do you have any practical suggestions for us? Names Withheld

One of the techniques I have found most helpful when mediating disputes between rebellious adolescents and their parents is to give the teenager six or eight index cards, and ask him or her to jot down a request or concession that he or she would like his parents to grant.

Rabbi Horowitz: We have very different views on the issue of having guests over for Shabbat meals.

Rabbi Horowitz: My daughter has confided in me that one of her friends is cutting herself, and she is concerned that her friend may really hurt herself - or worse, chas v'shalom. She made me promise not to tell anyone.

This column usually focuses on the issue of teens at risk and finding ways families can become closer to their children. This week, I turn my attention to one of the most important stages before parenthood: the critical period when couples are engaged.

Dear Mommy and Daddy: Imagine how you would feel if you were told that, two years from today, our entire family would need to relocate to a different part of the country.