web analytics
November 24, 2014 / 2 Kislev, 5775
At a Glance
Sections
Sponsored Post
IDC Herzliya Campus A Day on Campus

To mark IDC Herzliya’s 20th anniversary, we spent a day following Prof. Uriel Reichman, IDC’s founder and president, and Jonathan Davis, VP for External Relations, around its delightful campus.



Pray Hard That Your Children Ignore You

Schild-Edwin

I know what you are thinking. What possible situation could cause a professional to advise a parent to “Pray hard that your children ignore you”?

A few months back I was at a lecture from Project Inspire and this is what the keynote speaker said. Hard to believe? Well, not really. Like so many things, it’s all about the perspective, context and the transmitter of the message.

The special bond between parent and child is one of a kind. Whether the relationship is good or cold, at its core it’s a special relationship. However, sometimes that special bond is hidden in conflict, anger and loads of history.

I have been seeing a couple for marital counselling where both parties come from horrific backgrounds. They are now in their late twenties and just had a baby about a month ago – and are terrified that how they play out their histories will badly influence their ability to parent their son well. It’s good that they understand that their history definitely will play a role in their parenting styles and abilities. The couple has been together for almost two years, however they met after she escaped from a terribly abusive relationship. Her adolescence was one of moving from place to place, rebelliousness, drugs and alcohol and very poor attachments to meaningful adults. Her abusive upbringing led her to poor, and dangerous, decisions and lifestyles.

His upbringing was not much better. He had been in the care of the children’s aid society for many of his youthful years, involved in drugs and alcohol abuse and in and out of many relationships. This couple is seriously in love with each other, yet, they are scared, anxious and on edge. Their previous life experiences dictate their thoughts, which in turn dictate their anxieties and worries about the future.

As many of my readers know, one of my favorite signs in my office reads, “Don’t worry that your children aren’t listening to you, worry that they are watching you.” What are our children seeing, hearing and learning from us? A quote I recently came across says, “Children learn to smile from their parents.” On the other hand, another quote says, “Some parents could do more for their children by not doing so much for them.”

This last quote brings us back to our topic. Each of us could probably come up with our own definition or analysis of what this means. In fact, a worthwhile exercise could be to discuss this amongst your friends and see how many interpretations you get. If you have teenagers around, ask them. This will be the true test of how kids understand this.

As I have said before, the most common cause of arguments is differences of opinion. For the most part, we all agree that everyone is entitled to his/her own opinion – as long as it’s like mine. You see, I’m right and if you don’t agree with me, obviously there is something wrong with your thought pattern. Test this theory yourself. Listen to others and when opinions are shared, watch how people get defensive and begin debating. However, an opinion is only that – your personal belief, outlook or judgment. We treat other’s opinions as a statement of fact.

Relationships with our children are often caught up in the challenge of accepting opinions. You see, deep down inside most of us want our children to be like us. In fact, I often say that good parents want their children to be even better then they are – wealthier, smarter, happier, etc. However, as much as we want this for our children, we too often get caught up in the cycle of competition with our own children. “Do as I say, not as I do” is all too often the paradox we build up around our children. The inconsistencies and contradictions we speak and show our kids are powerful indicators of our relationship with them.

We all want positive relationships with our children, but the only teachers we have our own parents or those of our close friends’. Those who have serious deficiencies in their histories and early relationships will either replicate those patterns or will have serious anxiety about their future and the future of their children. As with the couple we discussed above, the anxiety can be overwhelming. In fact, sometimes their fears are the precursors for their new reality. They are so obsessed with what might go wrong, they become overly anxious and in fact, their fears often lead them down that disastrous path. When fears get into our minds, sometimes it’s difficult to see anything else. In fact the more emotional we are about anything, the less our logical, intellectual mind is working.

About the Author:


If you don't see your comment after publishing it, refresh the page.

Our comments section is intended for meaningful responses and debates in a civilized manner. We ask that you respect the fact that we are a religious Jewish website and avoid inappropriate language at all cost.

If you promote any foreign religions, gods or messiahs, lies about Israel, anti-Semitism, or advocate violence (except against terrorists), your permission to comment may be revoked.

No Responses to “Pray Hard That Your Children Ignore You”

Comments are closed.

SocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

Current Top Story
Banner at Tehran military parade, Sept. 23, 2013. Although the English statement is relatively mild, in Persian and Arabic it says “Death to America.”
Iran Says Nuclear Deal ‘Impossible’ by Nov. 24 Deadline
Latest Sections Stories
Kupfer-112114

Divorce from a vindictive, cruel spouse can be a lifelong nightmare when there are offspring.

Astaire-112114-Horse

There were many French Jews who jumped at the chance to shed their ancient identity and assimilate.

L to R: Sheldon Adelson, Shawn Evenhaim, Haim Saban

As Rabbi Shemtov stood on the stage and looked out at the attendees, he told them that “Rather than take photos with your cellphones, take a mental photo and keep this Shabbat in your mind and take it with you throughout your life.”

South-Florida-logo

Yeshiva v’Kollel Bais Moshe Chaim will be holding a grand celebration on the occasion of the institution’s 40th anniversary on Sunday evening, December 7. Alumni, students, friends and faculty of the yeshiva, also known as Talmudic University of Florida, will celebrate the achievement and vision of its founders and the spiritual guidance of its educational […]

The yeshiva night accommodates all levels of Jewish education.

Recently, Fort Lauderdale has been the focus of international news, and it has not been about the wonderful weather.

Rabbi Sacks held the position of chief rabbi of the United Hebrew Congregations of the Commonwealth for 22 years until September 2013.

The event included a dvar Torah by student Pesach Bixon, an overview of courses, information about student life and a student panel that answered frequently asked questions from a student perspective.

It is difficult to write about such a holy person, for I fear I will not accurately portray his greatness…

“Grandpa,” I wondered, as the swing began to slow down, “why are there numbers on your arm?”

So the real question is, “How can we, as hosts, make sure our guest beds are comfortable?” Because your guests will never say anything.

It was a land of opportunity, a place where someone who wasn’t afraid of a little hard work, or the challenges of adapting to a different climate and culture, could prosper.

Rule #1: A wife should never accompany her husband to hang out with his buddies at a fantasy football draft. Unless beer and cigars are her thing, that is.

There are many people today with very little training who put out shingles and proclaim themselves to be marital coaches, shalom bayis helpers, advisers etc.

The two World Series combatants, the Kansas City Royals and the San Francisco Giants, were Wild Card teams (meaning they didn’t win their respective divisions) that got hot at the right time.

More Articles from Edwin Schild
Schild-Edwin

Interestingly, sometimes people who have a very high self-awareness may experience intense reactions to circumstances that others might respond to more mildly.

Schild-Edwin

We define stress as the feeling we get when there is too much to do and too little time to do it in.

I’d like to share some valuable insights that, with clear and meaningful understanding, will have a tremendous impact on our family’s future

Josh is only nine years old, yet he’s an addict. How is that possible? You’re wondering where he gets his drugs from, how does his addiction manifest itself and if there are treatment plans.

often find myself telling clients, “There is no such thing as emotions!” Then I wait for their reactions. My hope is that the client will challenge me, as obviously we all experience emotions. It’s the way we are wired.

In Part I talked about celebrating 30 years of Regesh Family and Child Services providing services to children, teens and families. I shared the agency’s origin and the many lessons I have learned through this journey. As I mentioned, it is my hope that my experiences will add to your toolbox of life skills.

As I look back, it is clear that I learned much as an administrator and therapist – and as an individual experiencing life. I hope you will stay with me as I reminisce.

I know what you are thinking. What possible situation could cause a professional to advise a parent to “Pray hard that your children ignore you”?

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/family/parenting-our-children/pray-hard-that-your-children-ignore-you/2013/04/25/

Scan this QR code to visit this page online: