web analytics
June 19, 2013 / 11 Tammuz, 5773
At a Glance ▼
Sections
Sponsored Post
Bicycle in South Pioneers of the Periphery: Olim of the South

Got that pioneering spirit? You’re invited to help build Israel’s periphery by planting roots in southern soil with Nefesh B’Nefesh.



Pre-Marriage Education: The S.H.A.L.O.M. Workshop


Latest update: March 2nd, 2012
tell a friend
Schonbuch-Rabbi-Daniel

This column usually focuses on the issue of teens at risk and finding ways families can become closer to their children. This week, I turn my attention to one of the most important stages before parenthood: the critical period when couples are engaged.

It’s a fact of life that many young couples are unprepared for marriage. I’m not talking about matters of Jewish law that couples learn about with their Chasson and Kallah teachers before they get married. What I’m referring to is the lack of knowledge of effective communication skills needed to make marriage successful and relationship-building tools that can enhance feelings of love and camaraderie.

Couples now face more demands than ever before. The typical complex marriage – managing two careers while rearing children – really requires that couples have very strong, well-established abilities to communicate, resolve issues, maintain mutuality and set goals. Without this foundation, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed by stress and time pressures. Problems can intrude much more easily than most couples realize. Marriage preparation can function as an immunization that boosts a couple’s capacity to handle potential difficulties.

Overall, we need to give our young couples better skills to become successful in their marriages. Unfortunately, couples spend very little time learning about the art of Shalom Bayis before they get married. And, unlike other professions such as law and medicine that test and certify their graduates, marriage – the most important and longest profession anyone can enter into – doesn’t require any specific training for certification. Couples may start a marriage unprepared to meet the challenges that occur on a daily basis such as child rearing, facing financial pressures, and spending quality time together.

Think about it- a person spends around 12 years in school preparing to enter college, which takes four years to complete. But how many years do people train to get married, which is supposed to last lifetime?

To take the analogy one step further, if marriage would be placed side by side with other professions, how would it rank? Current statistics do not paint a very rosy picture. According to a study called The Effects of Divorce on America “in 1935 there were 16 divorces for each 100 marriages and by 1998, the number had risen to 51 divorces per 100 marriages.” In addition, “over a 20 year period the number of divorced Americans rose from 4.3 million in 1970 to 18.3 million in 1996.”

I am aware that our community does not share these discouraging statistics. Yet many readers may believe that the divorce rate seems to be rising in the Orthodox world, and divorce appears to be more common than ever before.

All of this points to the need to respond to the challenges facing young couples and begin the process of pre-marital education. Couples need to learn marital skills and develop realistic expectations before the marriage takes place. Only then will they be prepared to cope successfully with the inevitable ups and downs of marriage.

Recently a new program called the S.H.A.L.O.M. Workshop (Starting Healthy and Long Lasting Marriages) has begun to teach engaged couples the skills needed to have a successful marriage. Run by the Shalom Task Force, the workshop teaches engaged couples practical tools to achieve a healthy marriage and to effectively meet each other’s emotional needs.

In just one or two sessions, the Chassan and Kallah cover important issues such as:

Increased understanding and sensitivity to each other’s feelings

Communicating effectively through a sense of mutual respect

Promoting self confidence in each other

Financial Management

As their literature describes, “The S.H.A.L.O.M. Workshop teaches specific, easily learned methods for successful communication and effective problem-solving.” The goal is that participants will emerge with a deeper self-knowledge and the tools to build a happy, successful and long-lasting marriage.

It’s important to note that this workshop in no way replaces traditional Chassan and Kallah classes; rather it enhances the knowledge learned by practicing easy-to-use and practical tools that can make marriage more enjoyable.

During the workshop, a couple will learn how to actively listen to one another, express their feelings in a healthy way and negotiate a power structure for making key decisions in their lives.

One participant from New York who took the workshop commented that, “As I am getting married very soon, I think that my future husband and I will greatly benefit from the workshop. Taking the time to listen and let the other person know you are listening felt very validating, and actually enabled us to do something we both were too subjective to suggest doing with each other on our own.”

It’s time to expand the scope of educational programs offered to engaged couples to improve their chances of having a successful marriage and build a Binyan Adei Ad. A pre-marriage program like the S.H.A.L.O.M. Workshop is just the place to begin.

To find out more about programs like S.H.A.L.O.M. Workshop, you can visit their website at www.shalomworkshop.org.

 

Rabbi Daniel Schonbuch is the executive director of Shalom Task Force and the author of a new book about parenting teenagers called At Risk – Never Beyond Reach: Three Principles Every Parent and Educator Should Know. He maintains a practice in family counseling and is a popular lecturer on parenting and relationships. You can visit Rabbi Schonbuch on the Web at www.neverbeyondreach.org or e-mail questions to him at rabbischonbuch@yahoo.com.

tell a friend

About the Author: Rabbi Daniel Schonbuch, MA, Marriage and Family Therapy, is an expert in marriage counseling, pre-marital education, and helping teens in crisis with offices in Flatbush, Cedarhurst, and Crown Heights. He is a certified PAIRS instructor, and trained as a Level 1, Emotionally Focused Therapist at the Ackerman Institute for the Family, and is a member of AASECT. He is the author of At Risk – Never Beyond Reach and First Aid For Jewish Marriages. To watch his free videos on marriage and parenting and for appointments visit: www.JewishMarriageSupport.com or call 646-428-4723


You might also be interested in:


If you don't see your comment after publishing it, refresh the page.
no comments

Comments are closed.

SocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

Latest Sections Stories
Kodish-061413-Dancing
Sections → Features → Features On The Jewish World

Yet all are part of one neshamah, planted in rich, verdant soil, determined to grow. May our garden continue to produce a glorious assortment of flowers and trees, each attached firmly to its roots. Our diverse southern vegetation flourishes and grows into different trees, flowers, and fruits, and a rainbow of glorious shades and hues appears. Yet each shoot is rooted in the same soil, stretching its branches and blossoms heavenward in an endless pursuit of growth and connection to the One above.

Baim-061413-Long-hair
Sections → Jewess Press → Daily Living

This past Lag B’Omer, we were blessed to make our first upsherin, where we celebrate our son’s first hair cut. It’s a wonderful milestone that mimics the three years that we refrain from plucking a tree’s first fruits and symbolizes the entry of the child into the world of Torah learning. It’s a clear sign to everyone; this boy is no longer a baby.

Littman-061413-Bridge
Sections → Features → Features On The Jewish World

Although there are more direct and faster routes to Beer Sheva and Eilat and all the sites and towns in-between, the Basor River is one of the beauties of the Negev that defiantly justifies a diversion.

Sections → Magazine → Teens and Twenties

The importance of death customs has been ingrained in me since birth. When I served as a shomeret for my grandmother, I was instructed not to eat, drink or perform a mitzvah in the same room. In the shock of death, it seemed rather inane to be told it would be considered mocking the dead. My grandmother was gone; she couldn’t do those things because she didn’t exist anymore, a fact that still makes me tear up.

Sections → Magazine → Potpourri

I would have to say that one of the most annoying things about having a newspaper advice column, aside from all these people writing to me and asking for advice, is that they frequently don’t tell me WHY they’re asking.

Sections → Features → Features On The Jewish World

Rav Yosef Shalom Elyashiv zt”l, who passed away on 28 Tammuz, (July18) this year at age 102, spent all of his days and most of his nights learning Torah. He was the paramount leader of our generation, and inspired tremendous awe and reverence in everyone who knew him. Now, every woman has the stunning opportunity to do something in his memory. A Sefer Torah is being written in his memory and women around the world have the chance to dedicate a letter.

Sections → Family → Marriage and Relationships

Due to her family situation, it is understandable that she will have more responsibilities than other girls her age, but she would benefit from having some free time and receiving more appreciation for her hard work.

Sections → Family → Parenting Our Children

For children, summer means outdoor sports, picnics, and of course, no school! Teachers and students work hard all year long – and everyone deserves a break from education over the summer. However, this two-month break can often have some pretty devastating consequences.

Sections → Family

It was only after we celebrated the great news that we were expecting twins that we saw the first sign of problems. First of all, my wife was losing, not gaining weight, even as the babies continued to grow normally. Soon after, routine blood work revealed that my wife was suffering from gestational diabetes.

Sections → Community → West Coast Happenings

Rabbi Pinchas Gruman is the new rav of the Minyan at Aish Tamid.

One of the most respected Torah figures in Los Angeles, Rabbi Gruman has been described as “The Los Angeles link in the mesorah of the yeshiva world” by Rabbi Nachum Sauer. As a talmid in Lakewood in the 1950s, Rabbi Gruman received semicha from Rav Aaron Kotler, zt”l, and Rav Moshe Feinstein, zt”l. Soon after, he moved to Los Angeles.

Sections → Magazine → Teens and Twenties

Another tree is down.

I’m driving down Lakewood Avenue, figuring that maybe, just maybe, the tree that blocked the middle of North Lake Drive has been removed, and I can go through. After all, they had a whole day. I’m sure things have been taken care of.

More Articles from Rabbi Daniel Schonbuch
Schonbuch-Rabbi-Daniel
Sections → Family → Marriage and Relationships

Control may be the most destructive force influencing a marriage. Let me illustrate this point with the following story. About two years ago a woman named Bracha, 47, came to speak to me about her husband’s controlling behavior. This is how she described her precarious situation:

Schonbuch-Rabbi-Daniel
Sections → Family → Marriage and Relationships

Controlling behavior may be the number one reason that your marriage needs first aid.

If you are unfamiliar with the topic of control, it’s no surprise. Most people are unaware that control is a major issue for counselors, therapists and psychologists-at-large.

Sections → Family → Marriage and Relationships

It’s inevitable that sometimes couples will step on each other’s toes; especially during the first year of marriage, where newlyweds find themselves tip-toeing around their spouse’s emotional roadblocks. Don’t forget that it takes time to learn about your spouse’s idiosyncrasies and how to respond in a way that makes him or her feel at ease.

Sections → Family → Marriage and Relationships

To feel loved and nurtured your spouse needs to feel that you empathize with his or her emotions. The key is empathy. Empathy isn’t the same as sympathy or pity. It means being able to put yourself in another’s position, to feel what he feels and see what he sees, without losing yourself in the process.

Sections → Family → Marriage and Relationships

Mirroring is a good way to start actively listening. To mirror, you simply paraphrase or repeat back to your spouse what he or she is saying to you.

Sections → Family → Marriage and Relationships

David and his wife had been married for 15 years and believed they knew what each other really wanted. While attending a marriage seminar on communication, David and his wife listened to the instructor declare, “It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.”

Sections → Family → Marriage and Relationships

Recently, there a number of articles dealing with the difficulties singles are having getting married have appeared in various publications. Unfortunately, many young people in their 20’s (and some even in their 30’s) are struggling to find their bashert.

Sections → Family → Marriage and Relationships

One of the most powerful dimensions of a successful marriage is a couple’s ability to keep focused on each other’s good points and unique personality traits. Too often, people become fixated on the negative, sweating “over the small stuff,” and forgetting the positive points that brought them together in the first place.

    Latest Poll

    Female, Orthodox, Halachic Deciders and Spiritual Leaders (Maharat)









    View Results

    Loading ... Loading ...

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/family/parenting-our-children/pre-marriage-education-the-s-h-a-l-o-m-workshop/2007/09/11/

Scan this QR code to visit this page online:

No related posts.

Close