Photo Credit: Rifka Schonfeld

In Mindfulness for Teen Anger, Dr. Mark Purcell tells the following story:

One evening, an old Cherokee man told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside all people. He said, “My son, the battle is between two ‘wolves’ inside us all.

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“One is Bad. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.

“The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith.”

The grandson thought for a minute and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf wins?”

The old Cherokee man simply replied, “The one you feed.”

Feed the good “wolf”!

 

We all deal with anger once in a while. But, during the teenage years, anger is something that can take over both teenagers’ and parents’ lives. This anger can feed that “bad” wolf and make him grow out of proportion.

Dr. Les Parrott, in his book Helping the Struggling Adolescent, explains that anger is an important part of adolescence. In fact, anger is a part of the process of individuation that occurs when teenagers continue to separate from their parents and establish their own individual personas. So, if you are worrying that you are always frustrated and angry with your parents (and even your siblings or friends), then you should know that it is a completely normal part of growing up.

Anger becomes a problem if you do not know how to handle it. To that end, I have put together a “cheat sheet” in order to help you manage your anger before it gets the best of you:

            Mindful mediation: Research has shown that focusing on your breath and on the present moment (and do not allow any outside thoughts to trickle in), it can help you deal with the anger once you stop your mindful mediation. In fact, you might not feel so angry once you are done focusing on your breathing for five minutes.

            Maintaining perspective: With so many new experiences coming your way while you are in high school, it can be hard to separate the genuine concerns from the slight annoyances. Things like physical harm or verbal bullying are undisputed concerns, whereas someone occasionally prying into your life or unintentionally stifling you is a smaller issue.

One way you can control your anger is by recognizing the genuine reasons to get upset and ignoring the inconsequential things. Once you are able to distinguish between the “big” and “small” stuff, it is a lot easier to maintain perspective and cool down.

            Redirecting anger: Sometimes you might get angry at a parent or sibling because of something that happened earlier in the day with someone else. Taking a step back and asking yourself, “Why am I really angry?” can help you redirect your feelings at the appropriate source.

            Avoid triggers: There are probably situations that automatically make you angry (such as your parents not giving you enough space, even though you are always following their rules). Being aware of these triggers can help you take control of the situation. Before walking through the door, remind yourself that your parents – because they love you – will probably ask you a multitude of questions. Rehearse the answers you will give in order to satisfy both yourself and your parents. This way, you will be prepared for a potentially frustrating encounter.

            Time management: When you are stressed, you are more likely to express anger in a destructive manner. Likewise, if you are sleep-deprived, you are more likely to snap at those around you (even without real provocation). A great way to avoid these feelings is to manage your time effectively. Don’t leave big assignments and studying to the night before they are due. Try to get 7-8 hours of sleep every night. That way you will be better equipped to handle anger when confronted with it.

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An acclaimed educator and social skills ​specialist​, Mrs. Rifka Schonfeld has served the Jewish community for close to thirty years. She founded and directs the widely acclaimed educational program, SOS, servicing all grade levels in secular as well as Hebrew studies. A kriah and reading specialist, she has given dynamic workshops and has set up reading labs in many schools. In addition, she offers evaluations G.E.D. preparation, social skills training and shidduch coaching, focusing on building self-esteem and self-awareness. She can be reached at 718-382-5437 or at [email protected].