web analytics
June 19, 2013 / 11 Tammuz, 5773
At a Glance ▼
Sections
Sponsored Post
Bicycle in South Pioneers of the Periphery: Olim of the South

Got that pioneering spirit? You’re invited to help build Israel’s periphery by planting roots in southern soil with Nefesh B’Nefesh.



Teens Who Give Up Their Religion


Latest update: March 5th, 2012
tell a friend
Schonbuch-Rabbi-Daniel

Let’s look at an example of how mentoring improved the life of a teenager who had given up observing Jewish tradition.

Last year two parents, Levy and Sarah, came to talk to me about their sixteen-year-old son named Chaim. These parents are first-generation Americans whose families came from Russia in the 1950s.  Their family had never experienced the problem of an at-risk teenager and they wanted to see if I could help them.

After exploring their relationship with Chaim, I wanted to find out about other relationships that may prove useful in helping Chaim to feel better about himself.

 

Daniel Schonbuch (DS): I realize that Chaim seems very unhappy at home. Is there anybody outside of the family that he connects with?

Sarah: He loves going to our neighbor’s house. They have a son the same age. He is a much better boy and likes talking to Chaim. I think his parents can handle my son’s mishugas and Chaim likes the attitude in their home.

DS: He likes their attitude? What do you mean?

Levy: Well, they treat him differently from the way we do. You know what it’s like – it’s hardest to get along with the people closest to you. When you are not that close, you can be friendly.

Sarah: Probably because your friends aren’t responsible for you. So whatever goes is okay.

DS: Yes, I think that’s part of it. There is another reason why sometimes children prefer their friends more than their family. The reason is that their friends don’t try to control or criticize them. It’s like grandparents. I often say that they get all the nachas and none of the tzuris. Perhaps parents should be more like grandparents. Do you see what I mean?

Sarah: Are you saying we aren’t friendly enough with him? How can we be? He is falling apart and needs help. Can’t you do something?

DS: Well, that’s what I’m here for. I try to help people realize that even in the worst cases, there is always something you can do. The first thing I want you to realize is that everything you tried up until now hasn’t worked. If you want to help Chaim, you need to stop trying to control him and replace control with a deepening relationship. From the time he was born, your relationship has been based on control. You expected him to do what you wanted – when to go to bed, who to play with, and when to do his homework. However, Chaim has changed; he no longer accepts your control and has taken you out of his inner world. He wants something new that you need to give him.

Sarah: What’s that?

DS: He needs love and friendship. That means that you need to develop a new strategy for parenting. The more you try to control him, the further he wants to get away. I want you to end that kind of relationship and start something new.

 

We talked about the importance of taking all language of control and criticism out of their dialogue and replacing it with love and acceptance, and I explained the need for them to monitor their words to evaluate if they are bringing them closer or further away from Chaim.

The next week, Sarah and her husband came back for a second session. This time they seemed more optimistic. We talked about their interactions with Chaim and they said that although nothing really changed, at least they had stopped fighting.

I was encouraged by these small steps, and I asked if Chaim would agree to come in to talk. I wanted to find out more about his inner world. Two weeks later, Chaim came into my office. Our conversation follows.

 

DS: Tell me a bit about what you do like in life. What are you good at in school?

Chaim: Well, I don’t like studying gemarah or chumash very much, but I do like writing and music.

DS: What do you like writing about?

Chaim: I don’t know. I guess about a lot of things. I enjoy writing about outer space.

DS: What about outer space?  Is it about planets, stars, or people traveling there?

Chaim: I think people going away to different galaxies is cool. They get to find out about new things and get away from this boring world. No more fighting, just finding out about new stuff.

DS: What do you think happens when people are flying in the same space ship for a long time? Doesn’t it get boring up there too?

Chaim: I guess so.

DS: So what do you think makes it interesting when you’re put together in a box and are drifting out into space for years at a time?

Chaim: I’m not sure.

DS: It might be that if the people have good relationships, they probably enjoy spending a lot of time together – even out in space. Do you see what I mean?

Chaim: I guess so.

DS: What I’m trying to say is that enjoying life out in space and maybe here in this world is all about having good relationships. Can I ask you a question? What relationships do you enjoy and which people are you having trouble with?

Chaim: Well, I hate my parents and I think my rabbis are boring. I don’t think I like talking to anyone. My rabbis don’t have any idea how I’m feeling!

DS: Is that true? Was there a time when you knew some rabbis that you liked?

Chaim: I loved my second grade rebbe. He was really cool. I remember him talking about space. When I was in his grade, there was a launch of the space shuttle, and I remember him talking about it. He was so funny. He always knew how to get us interested in what we were learning even if he had to go off the page for a few minutes. We trusted him. He knew how to enjoy life.

 

At that session, I found what I was looking for – a small opening to Chaim’s inner world. He was sharing with me something he had hidden away for about ten years, the rebbe he enjoyed in school. I believed that if he could connect with someone like his rebbe, he could develop a relationship that could provide a springboard for his recovery. I told Chaim that his rebbe sounded like a man he could be honest with. I asked if he would call up his rebbe and just say hello and to tell him that he still had fond memories of his class. Chaim turned out to be very receptive to the idea.

Later that week he contacted his former rebbe, who suggested that he come to meet and talk about how he was feeling. He also told Chaim that he was willing to talk to him whenever he needed and invited him to his home for a Shabbos meal.

Over the course of the next few months, despite all of the ups and downs, I saw Chaim slowly come back to life. We had numerous discussions about astronomy and space travel and about deepening his ability to maintain positive relationships with his rebbe and with his parents.

I also worked with Chaim’s parents encouraging them to follow my lead and to

tell a friend

About the Author: Rabbi Daniel Schonbuch, MA, Marriage and Family Therapy, is an expert in marriage counseling, pre-marital education, and helping teens in crisis with offices in Flatbush, Cedarhurst, and Crown Heights. He is a certified PAIRS instructor, and trained as a Level 1, Emotionally Focused Therapist at the Ackerman Institute for the Family, and is a member of AASECT. He is the author of At Risk – Never Beyond Reach and First Aid For Jewish Marriages. To watch his free videos on marriage and parenting and for appointments visit: www.JewishMarriageSupport.com or call 646-428-4723


You might also be interested in:


If you don't see your comment after publishing it, refresh the page.
no comments

Comments are closed.

SocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

Latest Sections Stories
Herb Gorman
Sections → Sports → Baseball Insider

Rewind sixty years to 1953.

Television was considered kosher by most and featured the likes of Desi Arnaz, Lucille Ball, Jack Benny, George Burns, Red Buttons, Perry Como, Arthur Godfrey, Clayton Moore as The Lone Ranger, Dinah Shore, Red Skelton, Danny Thomas, Jack Webb as Joe Friday on “Dragnet” and many others who provided great memories.

Kodish-061413-Dancing
Sections → Features → Features On The Jewish World

Yet all are part of one neshamah, planted in rich, verdant soil, determined to grow. May our garden continue to produce a glorious assortment of flowers and trees, each attached firmly to its roots. Our diverse southern vegetation flourishes and grows into different trees, flowers, and fruits, and a rainbow of glorious shades and hues appears. Yet each shoot is rooted in the same soil, stretching its branches and blossoms heavenward in an endless pursuit of growth and connection to the One above.

Baim-061413-Long-hair
Sections → Jewess Press → Daily Living

This past Lag B’Omer, we were blessed to make our first upsherin, where we celebrate our son’s first hair cut. It’s a wonderful milestone that mimics the three years that we refrain from plucking a tree’s first fruits and symbolizes the entry of the child into the world of Torah learning. It’s a clear sign to everyone; this boy is no longer a baby.

Sections → Features → Features On The Jewish World

Although there are more direct and faster routes to Beer Sheva and Eilat and all the sites and towns in-between, the Basor River is one of the beauties of the Negev that defiantly justifies a diversion.

Sections → Magazine → Teens and Twenties

The importance of death customs has been ingrained in me since birth. When I served as a shomeret for my grandmother, I was instructed not to eat, drink or perform a mitzvah in the same room. In the shock of death, it seemed rather inane to be told it would be considered mocking the dead. My grandmother was gone; she couldn’t do those things because she didn’t exist anymore, a fact that still makes me tear up.

Sections → Magazine → Potpourri

I would have to say that one of the most annoying things about having a newspaper advice column, aside from all these people writing to me and asking for advice, is that they frequently don’t tell me WHY they’re asking.

Sections → Features → Features On The Jewish World

Rav Yosef Shalom Elyashiv zt”l, who passed away on 28 Tammuz, (July18) this year at age 102, spent all of his days and most of his nights learning Torah. He was the paramount leader of our generation, and inspired tremendous awe and reverence in everyone who knew him. Now, every woman has the stunning opportunity to do something in his memory. A Sefer Torah is being written in his memory and women around the world have the chance to dedicate a letter.

Sections → Family → Marriage and Relationships

Due to her family situation, it is understandable that she will have more responsibilities than other girls her age, but she would benefit from having some free time and receiving more appreciation for her hard work.

Sections → Family → Parenting Our Children

For children, summer means outdoor sports, picnics, and of course, no school! Teachers and students work hard all year long – and everyone deserves a break from education over the summer. However, this two-month break can often have some pretty devastating consequences.

Sections → Family

It was only after we celebrated the great news that we were expecting twins that we saw the first sign of problems. First of all, my wife was losing, not gaining weight, even as the babies continued to grow normally. Soon after, routine blood work revealed that my wife was suffering from gestational diabetes.

Sections → Community → West Coast Happenings

Rabbi Pinchas Gruman is the new rav of the Minyan at Aish Tamid.

One of the most respected Torah figures in Los Angeles, Rabbi Gruman has been described as “The Los Angeles link in the mesorah of the yeshiva world” by Rabbi Nachum Sauer. As a talmid in Lakewood in the 1950s, Rabbi Gruman received semicha from Rav Aaron Kotler, zt”l, and Rav Moshe Feinstein, zt”l. Soon after, he moved to Los Angeles.

More Articles from Rabbi Daniel Schonbuch
Schonbuch-Rabbi-Daniel
Sections → Family → Marriage and Relationships

Control may be the most destructive force influencing a marriage. Let me illustrate this point with the following story. About two years ago a woman named Bracha, 47, came to speak to me about her husband’s controlling behavior. This is how she described her precarious situation:

Schonbuch-Rabbi-Daniel
Sections → Family → Marriage and Relationships

Controlling behavior may be the number one reason that your marriage needs first aid.

If you are unfamiliar with the topic of control, it’s no surprise. Most people are unaware that control is a major issue for counselors, therapists and psychologists-at-large.

Sections → Family → Marriage and Relationships

It’s inevitable that sometimes couples will step on each other’s toes; especially during the first year of marriage, where newlyweds find themselves tip-toeing around their spouse’s emotional roadblocks. Don’t forget that it takes time to learn about your spouse’s idiosyncrasies and how to respond in a way that makes him or her feel at ease.

Sections → Family → Marriage and Relationships

To feel loved and nurtured your spouse needs to feel that you empathize with his or her emotions. The key is empathy. Empathy isn’t the same as sympathy or pity. It means being able to put yourself in another’s position, to feel what he feels and see what he sees, without losing yourself in the process.

Sections → Family → Marriage and Relationships

Mirroring is a good way to start actively listening. To mirror, you simply paraphrase or repeat back to your spouse what he or she is saying to you.

Sections → Family → Marriage and Relationships

David and his wife had been married for 15 years and believed they knew what each other really wanted. While attending a marriage seminar on communication, David and his wife listened to the instructor declare, “It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.”

Sections → Family → Marriage and Relationships

Recently, there a number of articles dealing with the difficulties singles are having getting married have appeared in various publications. Unfortunately, many young people in their 20’s (and some even in their 30’s) are struggling to find their bashert.

Sections → Family → Marriage and Relationships

One of the most powerful dimensions of a successful marriage is a couple’s ability to keep focused on each other’s good points and unique personality traits. Too often, people become fixated on the negative, sweating “over the small stuff,” and forgetting the positive points that brought them together in the first place.

    Latest Poll

    Female, Orthodox, Halachic Deciders and Spiritual Leaders (Maharat)









    View Results

    Loading ... Loading ...

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/family/parenting-our-children/teens-who-give-up-their-religion/2010/06/23/

Scan this QR code to visit this page online:

No related posts.

Close