web analytics
September 18, 2014 / 23 Elul, 5774
At a Glance
Sections
Sponsored Post
Apartment 758x530 Africa-Israel at the Israel Real Estate Exhibition in New York

Africa Israel Residences, part of the Africa Israel Investments Group led by international businessman Lev Leviev, will present 7 leading projects on the The Israel Real Estate Exhibition in New York on Sep 14-15, 2014.



Too Young To Fail? Creating Self-Reliant Children

Schonfeld-logo1

“Can you please turn on the shower for me, Mommy?” six-year-old Binyamin asked politely.

Mimi paused. She was standing right next to him in the bathroom because her younger son had just finished his bath. She could easily turn on the shower, but then Binyamin would need her to turn it on every night. As a mature six-year-old, Binyamin was capable of taking a shower all by himself (including shampooing his hair and getting into his train pajamas).

“You asked so nicely, Binyamin, but no, I am not going to turn on the shower for you. I know you can do it yourself.”

Binyamin started to whine a little and Mimi knew she could end the discussion by lifting her arm and turning on the shower, but she also knew that with that act she would be forcing herself to turn it on the next night and the night after.

“Binyamin, I know you want me to turn it on, but you can do it!” Mimi said, and walked to the kitchen to allow Binyamin to figure it out on his own.

***

The above situation seems silly, but in reality, Mimi is teaching Binyamin a life skill. He is learning to do things on his own. One of the basic tenets of Judaism is to create self-reliant children, after all fathers are required to teach their children how to swim. As parents we are responsible for giving our children the skills they need to survive in this world. Often, in order to instill those skills, it means we have to take a step back and allow them to try things on their own – even if they fail.

In reality, children need to occasionally experience disappointment and failure in order to understand how to overcome it in the future. Dr. Wendy Mogel, in her book, The Blessing of a Skinned Knee: Using Jewish Teaching to Raise Self-Reliant Children, writes about the importance of balance in Jewish parenting:

[A] Parents’ urge to overprotect their children is based on fear – fear of strangers, the street. Fear of the child’s not being invited to the right parties or accepted by the right schools… Real protection means teaching children to manage risks on their own, not shielding them from every hazard… Children need an opportunity to learn about the “wave-pattern” of emotions. If parents rush in to rescue them from distress, children don’t get an opportunity to learn that they can suffer and recover on their own.

Here, Mogel asserts that children need to fail in order to understand that they can survive failure and recover. Mogel has multiple suggestions to help us turn down the worry and help create self-reliant children.

The Twenty-Minute Rule

One of the best ways to help your children gain confidence and become self-reliant is to be confident yourself. That means curbing your own worrying. If you are experiencing a perfectly beautiful family moment, and you find yourself worrying about something that might potentially happen in the future, you are worrying too much and might, in turn, be creating anxiety for your children.

Set a rule for yourself: you are only allowed to worry for twenty minutes a day. It sounds funny, but it is a good tool to use when you feel your anxiety for your children building up. Set aside a fixed period of time that you are allowed to worry about your children. At all other times, push those unnecessary, unwanted thoughts from your mind. After all, worrying is not going to change anything. It will only make you and your children fear risks and change.

Recognizing Real Concerns

There are some very real concerns that parents need to watch out for and help guide their children through. That said there are many issues that we blow out of proportion and end up stunting our children’s independence and self-reliance. You do need to teach your children to be wary of strangers and to practice safe methods when walking home from school, but if everyone else in your neighborhood lets their children of a certain age walk home from school, don’t continue picking yours up because you feel that it might be “too dangerous,” “too cold” or “too long of a walk.” By sheltering your child, you are setting him up for dependence in the future.

About the Author: An acclaimed educator and education consultant, Mrs. Rifka Schonfeld has served the Jewish community for close to thirty years. She founded and directs the widely acclaimed educational program, SOS, servicing all grade levels in secular as well as Hebrew studies. A kriah and reading specialist, she has given dynamic workshops and has set up reading labs in many schools. In addition, she offers evaluations G.E.D. preparation,, social skills training and shidduch coaching, focusing on building self-esteem and self-awareness. She can be reached at 718-382-5437 or at rifkaschonfeld@verizon.net. Visit her on the web at rifkaschonfeldsos.com.


If you don't see your comment after publishing it, refresh the page.

Our comments section is intended for meaningful responses and debates in a civilized manner. We ask that you respect the fact that we are a religious Jewish website and avoid inappropriate language at all cost.

If you promote any foreign religions, gods or messiahs, lies about Israel, anti-Semitism, or advocate violence (except against terrorists), your permission to comment may be revoked.

No Responses to “Too Young To Fail? Creating Self-Reliant Children”

Comments are closed.

SocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

Current Top Story
The Iron Dome was called on for the first time in 2013 to intercept a missile fired by terrorists in Sinai at Eilat.
National Lawyers Guild seeks to indict Obama for helping Israel build Iron Dome
Latest Sections Stories
Ganz-091214-Fifty

Today, fifty years and six million (!) people later, Israel is truly a different world.

Goldberg-091214

There will always be items that don’t freeze well – salads and some rice- or potato-based dishes – so you need to leave time to prepare or cook them closer to Yom Tov and ensure there is enough room in the refrigerator to store them.

Women's under-trousers, Uzbekistan, early 20th century

In Uzbekistan, in the early twentieth century, it was the women who wore the pants.

This is an important one in raising a mentsch (and maybe even in marrying off a mentsch! listening skills are on the top of the list when I do shidduch coaching).

While multitasking is not ideal, it is often necessary and unavoidable.

Maybe now that your kids are back in school, you should start cleaning for Pesach.

The interpreter was expected to be a talmid chacham himself and be able to also offer explanations and clarifications to the students.

“When Frank does something he does it well and you don’t have to worry about dotting the i’s or crossing the t’s.”

“On Sunday I was at the Kotel with the battalion and we said a prayer of thanks. In Gaza there were so many moments of death that I had to thank God that I’m alive. Only then did I realize how frightening it had been there.”

Neglect, indifference or criticism can break a person’s neshama.

It’s fair to say that we all know or have someone in our family who is divorced.

The assumption of a shared kinship is based on being part of the human race. Life is so much easier to figure out when everyone thinks the same way.

Various other learning opportunities will be offered to the community throughout the year.

More Articles from Rifka Schonfeld
Schonfeld-logo1

This is an important one in raising a mentsch (and maybe even in marrying off a mentsch! listening skills are on the top of the list when I do shidduch coaching).

Schonfeld-logo1

Children with dyslexia or dysgraphia frequently have problems in social relationships.

Some educators today believe that Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder falls into an executive function category.

Because the children suffering from this disorder generally have wonderful verbal skills, the disability can go unrecognized for many years.

People definitely had stress one hundred and fifty years ago, but it was a different kind of stress.

Time outs increases compliance and positive behavior far more than other forms of discipline

The Joys of Yiddish, Leo Rosten defines a mentch as “someone to admire and emulate, someone of noble character.”

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/family/parenting-our-children/too-young-to-fail-creating-self-reliant-children/2013/11/22/

Scan this QR code to visit this page online: