Rabbi Shmuley Boteach: Make Men More Mature Rather than Send Girls Under the Knife
Latest update: June 7th, 2012
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Rabbi Shmuley Boteach
Photo Credit: Screen shot
Few columns I have read from the orthodox community have disturbed me as much as Yitta Halberstam’s recent piece in the Jewish Press advocating that young women engage in plastic surgery in order to be more in demand for a shidduch (Jewish marital match). Worse, Yitta encourages us parents to be the ones to send our daughters under the knife. I was so floored by what I read that I decided to take time from my all-consuming Congressional campaign to respond.
I have met Yitta. She’s a fine woman with a luminous soul. So Yitta, please don’t take this personally. I mean no disrespect. But you can’t be serious.
Here is Yitta begging orthodox Jewish parents to heed her call: “Mothers this is my plea to you: There is no reason in today’s day and age with the panoply of cosmetic and surgical procedures available, why any girl can’t be transformed into a swan. Borrow the money if you have to; it’s an investment in your daughter’s future, her life.”
Witness the modern Jewish tragedy writ large. Had this piece been published even in a secular magazine it would have come in for the sharpest criticism and condemnation. Yitta, are you not aware that we face an epidemic of young American women dying of eating disorders like anorexia and bulimia because of the kind of misogyny you advocate above? About eight million American women have an eating disorder and the numbers are increasing greatly in the orthodox community. I published a column a few years back about a seventeen-year-old girl in a seminary in Jerusalem, known to my family, that died of anorexia. The root cause of eating disorders is this dangerous belief that a young woman is not born a princess but an ugly duckling in need of some radical personal makeover in order to appeal physically to a man.
How dangerous is the kind of drivel about young girls undergoing surgical procedures as advocated in Yitta’s column? Well, eating disorders have the highest mortality rate of any mental illness. Ten percent of anorexics die within 10 years of contracting the disease, twenty percent will be dead after 20 years, and only about thirty-five percent ever fully recover. And the mortality rate associated with anorexia is twelve times higher than the death rate of all causes of death for females aged fifteen to twenty-four years old. (Source: South Carolina Department of Mental Health)
The assault on women in our time is serious, concentrated, and deadly. It’s remedy is a more wholesome, more spiritual culture that looks at a women in her totality: mind, body, heart, and spirit. This is the kind of world that Judaism, with its unique emphasis on a woman’s spiritual gifts, has always sought to create.
How tragic, therefore, that columns of this ilk are appearing more frequently in orthodox Jewish publications, as if the words of King Solomon “that beauty is negligible but a woman who fears G-d is to be praised” is something of a bygone era, replaced even in the religious Jewish community by the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition.
Is the author really suggesting that we take our young daughters – and I, thank God, am blessed with six – and put them under the knife, bankrupting our families in the process, so that they can better appeal to shallow religious charlatans who would prefer a woman who is all form and little substance? Is this what three thousand and three hundred years of Jewish tradition has come to, that a nation that has always dared to walk alone, with different ideals and values from the wider culture, should so fully capitulate to the most corrupt, misogynistic values, that we would advocate that our young women have plastic surgery in order to get married?
Earth to Yitta: It’s not women who have to have breast enlargements, collagen injections in their lips, and Botox needles shoved in their foreheads in order to marry. Rather, it’s men who need a deeper, spiritual inoculation. Tell the Yeshiva students that the Torah they are learning is supposed to actually change their hearts. They’re supposed to be influenced by its values and judge a woman’s beauty not just by her hourglass shape but by her incisive opinions, graciousness of character, and spiritual glow. It’s the feminine which draws the masculine, and the feminine is something subtle, noble and refined. It is vulgarized when it becomes entirely about the physical form and rapidly loses its appeal.
And by the way, Yitta, I assume, in the interests of egalitarianism and fairness, that you’re also advocating that the young guys who indulged a bit too much in the cholent get their stomachs stapled and liposuction to make them more appealing to the girls?
I have worked in the field of human relationships in the secular world for most of my professional life and I have never even heard it suggested by the most superficial relationship expert that we should take young women for plastic surgery in order to attract a husband. Because most of those experts would rightly say that any man that expected extensive surgical procedures prior to marriage is a shallow jerk, and any parent who would inflict that on their daughter might just be guilty of abuse.
Yitta, a woman is not just beautiful because of her body. Want me to prove it? Who are the women who have achieved longevity in the popular culture? It’s women like Barbara Streisand and Meryl Streep who were never considered to be bombshell beauties. But their electrifying personalities and undeniable talent meant that people retained a longer interest in them than the average Playboy bunny without a brain.
Yitta complains that she attended an evening designed to introduce hundreds of young women and prospective brides to the mothers of boys who might date them. The girls arrived without makeup. Yitta was shocked. Shocked! How dare they arrive without their faces painted? Don’t they know they have to make an impression?
Well, aside from the dubious practice of having girls sell themselves to prospective mothers-in-law – which has got to be one of the strangest things I have ever read, even in the already super-weird world of Shidduchim in which so many of our children already suffer (after all, is any girl out there really interested in a Momma’s boy who delegates to his mother the responsibility for choosing him a bride?) – there is the simple consideration that perhaps the young women felt relieved that they were actually going to meet creatures with greater depth than some shallow guy. In attending a shidduch event where they would meet Moms, rather than immature men, perhaps they felt relieved that they could actually be themselves. Maybe, just this once, they would be looked on as a man’s equal, someone who is judged by how much she has developed her intelligence and emotions, rather than bust size, cheek bones, and leg length.
Alas, it was not to be. Even the women, even the mothers, have had their ideals corrupted. And if these are the values with which orthodox Jewish mothers are today raising their sons, then it’s no surprise why their sons are so shallow, immature, and lost.
God help us all.
tell a friendAbout the Author: Rabbi Shmuley Boteach, “America’s Rabbi” whom the Washington Post calls “the most famous Rabbi in America,” is the international best-selling author of 29 books, including The Fed-up Man of Faith: Challenging God in the Face of Tragedy and Suffering. Follow him on Twitter @RabbiShmuley.
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29 Responses to “Rabbi Shmuley Boteach: Make Men More Mature Rather than Send Girls Under the Knife”
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I applaud you writing this. What I have wanted to say all along.
It's about time
Wow thats pathetic! I never heard of this women before but im really shocked. Thankfully i was raised knowing looks arent everything and would raise my children knowing the same. Who would even want to marry off their daughter to such a guy? Who would want to raise their sons to think in such a way? So shocked from that article, what a sad world
Thank god he wrote this…. That lady along with other idiots who believe that the girls have to sacrifice everything about themselves so that the holy boy will pick them is wrong , pathetic and since these holy boys!,," dont speak to women" they shouldn't e so picky!
Thank you rabbi boteach!
Attention Rabbi Shmuley Boteach,
If your going to write an article about this sensitive topic at least get your facts straight.
The "Girl" that your referring to in your article that died of anorexia is not only untrue but, a lie.
How do I know this? Because that "Girl" was my sister. And, Her name was Chanie Kolodny a"h.
There's more than one girl that this happened to.
When will people open their eyes, yitta has proved the dirty little secret of the shiduch crises, and that is, that it’s not the males that are too picky, but rather the females. Ask any shadchan you know, they will tell you that most of the time a shiduch does not move forward because the girl is too picky, not the guy. Yitta is not the exception to the way people think in brooklyn, she is the rule. It is very convenient to blame the guys for being shallow. However, if you ask most (not all) men wether they would marry a good looking girl with a big nose they would say yes. Yet it is the mothers that think their sons could do better. Its the mothers that require pictures for a resume, not the guys. It’s not just the mothers, but the girls themselves that think that every guy needs to be a Hollywood actor. And the sadest part about all of this is that Yitta probably had more profiles sent to her after this article was published. There are so many mothers and girls that now see that this family has very high standards, so instead of blacklisting the entire family from entering the kahal, girls and mothers all around Brooklyn think that to marry into this terrible family is like winning a beauty contest.
This whole shidduch thing has become an abomination. People need to marry each other for the right reason. They are not marrying their spouses' families.
Men and women should not be allowed to meet until they've spoken on the phone to each other for a month. This way, they'll be able to assess each other without worrying about looks. If someone likes what they hear, they'll be less likely to dismiss the other person when they meet.
Of course, it would be unfair to match two people up if there is an explicit request for a certain trait and the other person is lacking. Unfortunately, I've heard too many stories of people asking shadchans not to stereotype them because of their own differences, and yet the shadchan refuses to obey.
Zev, sometimes shidduchim are made because the parents of a girl can support a boy in kollel. Is this a better reason to marry? Looks is not the only external consideration that some shidduchim ride on. Not only that, but most of the people here who are angry do not shidduch date. It is not even their issue. Their mothers will never have anything to say about who they marry. They are free to decide what they think is beautiful.
Lynn, I don’t consider myself yeshivish OR modern orthodox, I actually consider myself to be a REGULAR frum Jew (I know, what a concept
) & my 20 year old daughter gets set up by people who I check out beforehand by calling a few references etc just to be sure that the person seems to be a decent person for her to date (a mentsch who will make a parnassah etc) so that she doesn’t go out with someone who is a complete stranger. Please don’t assume that ONLY Yeshivish parents are involved with their kids shidduchim b/c even some parents of kids who aren’t yeshivish may ALSO be involved in their children’s dating life.
Batya, I have no doubts that there are Jews of all kinds who are involved in their children’s shidduchim. I am talking specifically about the posters in this discusssion. Several have stated that they are against the type of dating where parents call the shots.
That is precisely the point that people are trying to make, I think (or at least one the points) that parents can be involved withOUT having to call ALL the shots. Let the kids make some mature decisions on their own even IF they are shidduch dating. The 2 are NOT mutually exclusive. In fact, I am wondering if your MIL hand selected you before you met her son b/c I know things were different back in the day..
To Batya
My mother-in-law indeed did pick me. That was 38 years ago. I was almost 19 but we didn’t marry for awhile. We were both in school. My mil approached my grandmother to set us up.
Mothers are not likely to loosen up if they are getting what they want. They don’t necessarily feel responsible for all of the girls that their prized son does not marry. If they did feel responsible, then every time that they looked at a resume and decided it was not for their son, they would at least try to find a boy who could use it. From what Yitta describes, these mothers are flooded with these resumes and after awile, the girls all look alike. It probably would not even be welcomed by another mother of a boy who is similarly inundated. Most people do what is in their own best interest. Why else is it that we use disposable stuff on Pesach when it is so harmful to the environment?
Lynn, I agree that most of the criticism of Yitta is coming from people outside of the yeshivish community, but there seem to be a fair number of negative comments from people within it. Especially women who are dating, recently married, or parents with daughters in the “parsha”. You seem to be describing a system where the boys and their mothers are happy with the system and uninterested in change. But aren’t most women mothers of girls as well as boys? How could women be happy with a system that favors their sons but not their daughters? You say that for the mothers of boys, after a while all the resumes look the same. That’s painful to read, knowing that each one of those resumes represents a human being with hopes of finding happiness. Do most mothers of girls prefer to work with rather than try to change a system that may be unfair to their own daughters? I’m not trying to challenge you, I’m just trying to understand.
I have married off both sons and daughters and it was more of a challenge with daughters. Girls are also picky about looks. I personally think that it has to do with the difference in the relationship between a mother and a son and a mother and a daughter. The mother/son relationship probably has less verbal communication. The mother wants to please the son and remain part of his life as he bonds with his wife. The daughter will usually always be close to her mother, even after she marries. It will usually be to her own mother that she goes for help when giving birth. She will share those experiences with her mother and if she has a good relationship with her mother-in-law, she will include her as well. Of course all of this is a sweeping generalization. Some women don’t get along with their mothers but love their mother-in-laws.
Because of the nature of the mother/daughter relationship, it may be easier to communicate to daughters the essence of relationships and that physical appearance is only part of that relationship (but not necessarily a minor part). The mother of a girl may be more interested in getting a son-in-law that will support his wife, treat her well and bring her pride if he is going into a career of Torah learning. The mother of a boy may want her daughter-in-law to project the regal image of a rebbitzen.
So are you saying that the mother bonds with her son by making sure his wife is a real “catch”? But what if the marriage chas v’shalom develops problems? Wouldn’t that create a rift between mother and son, since she was so instrumental in selecting the wife?
In a lot of ways we are alike, but very different in others. I also want my son to have shalom bayis and I want to maintain a good relationship with him after he is married. On the one hand, you are describing a system where this is accomplished by the boys’ mother helping him to secure a desirable, high-status wife. He will be happy with her because she will be an affirmation of his own worth, which will make him feel good about himself and make him appreciate his mother’s hard work. I want my son to find a woman with whom he shares a deep emotional bond. Since only he can be the judge of that, the best way for me to help him is to give him freedom and leeway to choose, offering advice only if he asks for it. In my circles it is also considered part of becoming an adult and preparation for being a husband and father. I feel once he is married he will appreciate that I didn’t interfere in his relationship with his wife.
Of course there is overlap in our approaches. You wouldn’t push your son to continue dating a girl he disliked, and I would disapprove of any marriage that was not halachically permissible, even if the girl made my son happy.
Our worlds are not as far apart as you may thing. While my own boys may not meet their wives through formal shidduchim, the system you describe affects my friends, neighbors, and close relatives. And it is well known that even Modern Orthodox schools select their rebbeim and morahs from more yeshivish circles, so that our kids are exposed to more right wing values and hashkafas. And with the general swing to the right, and kids getting “frummer” after learning for a year in Israel, our families may not look different at all in a generation or two. So yes, this does concern me.
I do not know Yitta Halberstam or Rabbi Boteach, and I do not judge any of them Chas VeShalom.
There is something interesting in the Talmud (Nedarim 66A) about Rabbi Yishma’el, VeHaMevin Yavin.
Shabbat Shalom OuMevorakh.
תלמוד בבלי מסכת נדרים דף סו עמוד א.
מתני'. פותחין לאדם בכבוד עצמו ובכבוד בניו, אומרים לו: אילו היית יודע שלמחר אומרין עליך כך היא ווסתו של פלוני מגרש את נשיו, ועל בנותיך יהו אומרין בנות גרושות הן, מה ראתה אמן של אלו להתגרש, ואמר: אילו הייתי יודע שכן לא הייתי נודר – ה"ז מותר. קונם שאני נושא את פלונית כעורה והרי היא נאה, שחורה והרי היא לבנה, קצרה והרי היא ארוכה – מותר בה, לא מפני שהיא כעורה ונעשת נאה, שחורה ונעשת לבנה, קצרה ונעשת ארוכה, אלא שהנדר טעות. ומעשה באחד שנדר מבת אחותו הנייה, והכניסוה לבית ר' ישמעאל וייפוה, אמר לו ר' ישמעאל: בני, מזו נדרת? אמר לו: לאו, והתירה ר' ישמעאל. באותה שעה בכה ר' ישמעאל ואמר: בנות ישראל נאות הן, אלא שהעניות מנוולתן. וכשמת ר' ישמעאל, היו בנות ישראל נושאות קינה ואומרות: בנות ישראל על ר' ישמעאל בכינה; וכן הוא אומר בשאול: +שמואל ב' א+ בנות ישראל על שאול בכינה.
רש"י: וייפוה – שקישטוה והלבישוה ונראית יפה.
I agree with your horror at this article that could have been written in the 1950s, but two points, Rabbi Boteach: eating disorders are not invariably an attempt to reach a physical "ideal", but may be the only control that a girl feels she can exert over her life. I would imagine this is especially true in the Orthodox community. And as the article made clear, these girls aren't presenting to the boys at all, but to THEIR MOTHERS. It's the MOTHERS who demand this "standard" of presentation, no one seems to have asked the boys what they want. Although I agree with the commenter below, what women in her right mind would even WANT a boy who had his mother choose his bride for him? Don't most women want a MAN who makes his own choices? Apparently not in this community.
First of all Rabbi Shmuley Boteach is a running for office as a U.S. Congressional Representative from New Jersey. He is looking for catch phrases that ring the right tone to his candidacy. Kosher sex is catchy and even more catchy to the Christian segment is a Jew talking warmly about Jesus…almost makes him sound like a Jew For Jesus freak which Christians love even beyond sex. This guy has been a politician his whole life. His political party, his country is himself and his primary platform is self promotion. He even quotes this as his "…11th Commandment". He says in this article… " I was so floored by what I read that I decided to take time from my all-consuming Congressional campaign to respond." What he should have said is I needed to find something other than sex and Jesus to make me sound to the electorate that I am a "good guy" so lets lambaste against eating disorders. He totally puts words in Yitta Halberstam’s mouth, overstating her point which is there is nothing wrong with improving yourself by losing those overweight pounds or correcting a nose that makes you feel bad about yourself which she did in her life and is happy with the outcome. More power to her. She says nothing about breast enlargements, collagen injections in their lips, and Botox that he suggests she recommends. And nowhere in her article does she state “Mothers this is my plea to you: There is no reason in today’s day and age with the panoply of cosmetic and surgical procedures available, why any girl can’t be transformed into a swan. Borrow the money if you have to; it’s an investment in your daughter’s future, her life.” He totally made up this quote unless I am more tired than I think and overlooked it in her article…which I ask…"did you read". The way he put words in her mouth suggest he is just another political scumbag…but let me not judge the man.
Yosef Eytan No, those words come directly from the article. Maybe you didn't get to the last page. Read it again.
Shoshanna, I stand corrected. I missed it. But she did not directly recommend the specific procedures he suggested. The woman who had those procedures was 40 years of age. Looks do count even in the culture of the contemporary religious zealots as she states "…they want a spouse to whom they are attracted". How fine the line is between corrective surgery and excessive surgery can become complicated especially in the young…the doctor needs to be the gatekeeper with psychological assistance in some required. The Rabbi's motivation in this currant crusade of his…I still question. And loosing "excess" poundage in not an "eating disorder".
What is wrong with her! Honestly if I found out that the girl that I was dating got plastic surgery to make herself look more appealing, the relationship would end right there for me! It is horrible that a woman like her would suggest something like that to parents and daughters. Even in the secular world no one would suggest something as horrid as that. Purely appalling! She should write an article apologizing to the people who read this magazine and retract her previous statements!
In addition to this point (not mentioned nearly enough) and the obvious ones, I'm also offended as a man that this woman thinks all any men care about is pure looks and she has to make it her job to make every woman good enough for us shallow men.
Give it a rest guys. She had one stupid paragraph in an otherwise very solid article. Had that paragraph about plastic surgery not been there I would have agreed with everything she said.