web analytics
July 25, 2014 / 27 Tammuz, 5774
Israel at War: Operation Protective Edge
 
 
At a Glance
Sections
Sponsored Post
IDC Advocacy Room IDC Fights War on Another Front

Student Union opens ‘hasbara’ room in effort to fill public diplomacy vacuum.



Set the Limits – Ditch the Power Struggle


Set-the-limits-113013

Parent: Avi, please do your homework.

Avi: I don’t want to! It’s so dumb!

Parent: Avi, how many times do I have to ask you to do your homework?! You’re gonna fail the fifth grade if you don’t get started! And don’t talk like that – it’s not nice!

Avi: I hate school and I hate this house! (Avi pushes his books across the table)

Parent: (Pulse racing) That’s it, go to your room! You are grounded for the next month!

(Avi goes to his room and parent leaves the house to let off some steam. Once the parent has calmed down an hour later, the parent begins to wonder how he/she got so caught up in the heat of the moment and lost him/herself, throwing out a punishment that was too big for the crime.)

Sound familiar? What happened to that warm, nurturing relationship we were meant to develop with our children? Remember that? The one that helps build their self-esteem and self-confidence? Somehow, the feelings of frustration and anger that build up inside of us when our children don’t listen, cause us to lose our patience and threaten to punish. When we feel unheard, dismissed and disrespected by our children, our good intentions to create that positive relationship gets thrown out the window, and whether it’s homework time, bedtime or cleanup time, we end up feeling like the villain.

Understanding the Mind of the Child

Much like the physical development of a child, the cognitive process, better known as the child’s ability to think, process and make decisions, develops over time. Lawrence Kohlberg, in exploring a child’s capacity for moral reasoning, noted how a child moves from a very simplistic way of thinking, to a more complex one as they approach adulthood. This might explain why the terrible 2’s are hallmarked by frequent tantrums (ever been able to get a 2-year-old to understand why they can’t have another cookie?). Children at this age have little capacity to reason, to understand the parent’s perspective, and appreciate an answer that might be different than their own. In fact, children at the age of 5, 7, 11 and even 15 (surprise, even teenagers!), are still developing this moral compass. This limited capacity to reason, or better described as black and white thinking, causes children to react and respond negatively when things are not to their liking.

Understanding the Parent-Child Dynamic

With the child’s mind still developing, a child can view his parent’s directive in black and white terms. When this happens, a child’s capacity to reason and negotiate the parent’s instruction is limited, and he has little more to offer than his instinctive opinions on the matter, which often sounds threatening. (“I don’t want to [do my homework! It’s so dumb!) Baffled by the child’s chutzpah and total disregard to his instruction, the parent enters the power struggle in full gear, counteracting the threat with magnanimous punishments.

We would like to set limits for our children, who are reactive black and white thinkers. How can we approach our children with composure and dignity? What can we do to minimize the power struggle?

Here are some techniques to try:

* When a child misbehaves, our tendency is to jump right in there and react. Sometimes this is called for (when Yanky is physically attacking Shlomo) and sometimes, it is better to wait it out and approach the child at a quiet moment. When doing so, empower the child to solve the problem on their own. For example, let’s say you come home and find that Sarah, who is old enough to clean up after herself, raided the kitchen and made a huge mess – right after the cleaning lady left of course. Your gut wants to yell: “Sarah, what is this mess?! How come you can’t clean up after yourself?!” Instead, consider calling her over at a quiet moment and say: “I want you to continue to be able to help yourself to snacks after school. When I came home I found a big mess. What could we do differently next time?”

About the Author:


If you don't see your comment after publishing it, refresh the page.

Our comments section is intended for meaningful responses and debates in a civilized manner. We ask that you respect the fact that we are a religious Jewish website and avoid inappropriate language at all cost.

If you promote any foreign religions, gods or messiahs, lies about Israel, anti-Semitism, or advocate violence (except against terrorists), your permission to comment may be revoked.

No Responses to “Set the Limits – Ditch the Power Struggle”

Comments are closed.

SocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

Current Top Story
Hamas terrorists often misfire their rockets that explode in Gaza civilians areas.
‘Hamas Fired from UN School Area and Prevented Evacuation’ Says IDF
Latest Sections Stories
WC-072514-TCLA

“You Touro graduates are automatically soldiers in [Israel’s] struggle, and we count on you,” Rothstein told the graduates.

A-Night-Out-logo

The lemonana was something else. Never had we seen a green drink look so enticing.

Singer-072514

On his marriage, he wrote: “This is what I believe: something of the core, of the essence of this meaningful and life-affirming Judaism will not be absent from our home” (1882).

With the recent kidnapping by the Hamas and the barbaric murder of three children – Gilad Shaar, Eyal Yifrach and Naftali Frankel, we believe that the best answer to honor the memory of those murdered is to continue building those very communities – large and small – that our enemies are trying to destroy.

Written entirely through Frayda’s eyes, the reader is drawn by her unassuming personality.

Adopting an ancient exegetical approach that is based on midrashic readings of the text, thematic connections that span between various books of the Bible are revealed.

While Lipman comes from an ultra-Orthodox background and is an Orthodox rabbi, he offers a breath of fresh air when he suggests that “polarization caused by extremism and isolationism in the religious community may be the greatest internal threat to the future of the Jewish people”

The Joys of Yiddish, Leo Rosten defines a mentch as “someone to admire and emulate, someone of noble character.”

Certainly today’s communication via e-mail, Facebook, Twitter and the like, including the ubiquitous Whatsapp, has reduced the need to talk with people and communicate at length.

These two special women utilized their incredibly painful experience as an opportunity to assist others.

Maybe we don’t have to lose that growth and unity that we have achieved, especially with the situation in Eretz Yisrael right now.

Sleepily, I watched him kissing Mai’s chubby thighs.

I have always insisted that everything that happens to anyone or anything is min Shamayim.

More Articles from Mindy Hajdu
Set-the-limits-113013

Much like the physical development of a child, the cognitive process, better known as the child’s ability to think, process and make decisions, develops over time

    Latest Poll

    Do you think the FAA ban on US flights to Israel is political?






    View Results

    Loading ... Loading ...

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/health/set-the-limits-ditch-the-power-struggle/2013/11/30/

Scan this QR code to visit this page online: