A Letter To Seek Help For A Friend’s Mother, Coping With A Disabled Husband

By: Ann Novick

Published: February 4th, 2009

tell a friend

Dear Ms. Novick,

I have been reading your column in The Jewish Press for quite a while and enjoy it very much. It has been very helpful. For many years, my mother, a”h, lived with us while she was going blind from glaucoma and becoming demented from Alzheimer’s. G-d bless my wonderful husband and family for helping to love and care for her. She was nifteres last month.

A friend put me in touch with his mother, and it is about her that I am writing. I have never actually met her or her husband. He has a host of medical issues, along with a diagnosis of Alzheimer’s. She is suffering. I asked if there is a support group in her area, and she said she had attended one, but it was a general, non-Jewish group, and did not jive with her Torah way of life. Having attended an Alzheimer’s support group here, I totally can understand that. I did pick up a few “tips” at the meeting I had attended. The atmosphere and general way of thinking, however, was not compatible to my way of thinking.

My friend’s mother does live in a frum community, but apparently there is nothing available there. She works, during which time her husband is left at home, and basically “does nothing.” He is clinically depressed, has heart issues, and is sometimes paranoid. He hasn’t worked for a few years, is on disability and she is worried financially on top of everything else. On the other hand, during the course of my one conversation with her she informed me that once a week, her husband can and still does teach a shiur (with the help of a family member). When their married children come to visit, it livens everyone up, and they do visit as often as they can. But she does not feel that she can “burden”them with her and her husband’s issues, as their children have young families and live at least a couple of hours away, if not more.

Can you advise me as to any direction to point her in? I told her to feel free to call, because I know that just a listening ear is helpful – and I mean it – I so feel for people who give care. I read a book once, called The Best Friends Approach to Alzheimer’s (D. Troxel) which, as I remember, seemed to help a lot – the attitude was very upbeat.

Any other book I had been referred to was so awful in approach. They were very depressing. She told me, from what she picked up (two things) from our conversation was, that it was good to talk, and that she needed to accept the fact that some things would just not “get better or change.” Actually what I had tried to tell her, was that once a certain degree of acceptance occurs, that itself opens possibilities for good things to happen that are possible.

I also recommended she call Ohel Family Services for a referral, since they are the only “group” I know about. I told her that I would be writing you, as I don’t think she has easy access to the Internet.

I don’t want to say the wrong things. I am reluctant to send her a book that I did like very much (Taking Care of Mom, Taking Care of Me, by Devorah Schloss) because although it’s so upbeat, all the relatives described were at the “end-of-life” situation! My friend, B”H, seems at a totally different point.

(She) is suffering because her husband is still relatively young, and all her hopes for him at his age seem to not only be dashed, but she feels overworked and, sometimes, abused -(emotionally and verbally). The money is tight, and she is worried (it) might run out very soon.

So here are two questions: what can I do or say to help (or not do or say), and can you offer any referrals?

Thanks so much for reading this and I will look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

Mrs. D

Dear Mrs. D.,

Thank you so much for your letter. I am sorry for the recent loss of your mother a”h.

I’m very glad that your family was so helpful when it came to caring for your mother. It is obvious from your letter that your journey as a caregiver has taught you a great deal. Perhaps more than you are even aware of. Our experience as well spouses or care givers for family members, is a tremendous resource. Your willingness to share it not only turns a difficult experience into something positive but it makes you a mentor. All this is something you need to be proud of. It is also clear that you have already been a big help to your friend. You raised some very common and interesting questions in your letter. I will try to answer them the next several columns.

Sincerely,