In Israel, a new five month scholarship program being offered to young aspiring athletes – one of them could be you.
In this week’s column by Dr. Yael Respler, she addresses a letter sent to her by a reader who had “bones to pick” with some of the points I made regarding shidduchim in the various Orthodox communities.
The author correctly stated: “In Ms. Kupfer’s estimation, there are a significant number of couples who are not happy. Consequently, the solution is that young adults and their parents should choose the shidduch method they prefer, and that will produce happier couples.”
I pointed out that while Chassidishe parents marry off their children at a very young age – getting happily married should be the ultimate goal, not just becoming a husband or wife. In
the Chassidish community, dating means that young men and women meet who are pre-screened by the parents, and then get engaged one or two meetings later.
In the Yeshivish community, young people are set up by relatives, friends (usually married) and
shadchans and date over a period of weeks or months.
The Modern Orthodox often meet on their own in school, shul, Shabbatons, singles events, and are introduced by friends. I concluded by saying that no one system necessarily works better than the other, and that whatever works for the individual is the best method.
The writer cast doubt as to “the widespread condition of marriage disharmony in the frum
community that I alluded to in my article. He also stated that Chazal and the Gedolim of this generation have advocated the shidduch system of dating since it falls within the Torah guidelines of modesty – as opposed to mixed activities that are not imbued with the proper Torah ideology.
Dr. Respler diplomatically and wisely answered that everyone is entitled to their opinions as long as they are presented respectfully and that at the end of the day, “the most important concern is that we treasure our marriages and try to have Sholom Bayis. After getting to the chupah, it is everyone’s challenge to try to make our marriages work.”
While I will agree to disagree with some of the letter writer’s views, I totally agree on one point that he made. The solution to having a happy marriage is good midos developed from true Torah values. However, he implies, that these wonderful traits are exclusive to those who utilize the shidduch date method. I want to inform him that there are many modern Orthodox young people who are the epitome of good midos and act with the utmost tzniut in their
interactions with the young ladies and men who they meet in college, at the ice skating rink, or at a singles gathering.
Conversely, there are individuals from the “best” yeshivas who are secretly living a lifestyle that would cause their community’s collective hair to turn gray with shame. There are dire problems of drug abuse, gambling, promiscuity, and alcoholism. Exposure to Torahdik behavior does not guarantee an individual will grow up to be a mensch. Dysfunctional parents – often the product of dysfunctional homes – are raising socially inept, emotional impaired children who grow up with negative personality traits like self-absorption, laziness, anger, low self-esteem and dependence which will make it difficult for them to be good spouses.
I reiterate that being raised “frum” does not automatically make such a person have good midos. There are thousands of baalei teshuva who were brought up in homes that were devoid of Torah, who grew up to become exemplary members of the frum community and are role models themselves.
As to his doubt about the widespread phenomenon of marital disharmony - the numbers
speak for themselves. At any gathering of Orthodox singles, the majority of the attendees are divorced. Where are these people coming from, if the frum community does not have a large number of miserably married people who had the courage or desperation to get out of horribly unhappy unions? There are also hundreds of agunot waiting for their release from the chains of a life-shattering marriage. Obviously these are frum, Torah observant women, who, unlike their secular counterparts, care about obtaining a religious divorce, not just a secular one.
Many of the divorcees are women with children. They would not have taken the risk of community censure, loneliness, economic loss and single motherhood if they were in good marriages. And divorces are not indigenous to the modern Orthodox. Elite, yichusdik Yeshivish and chassidishe families have sons, daughters, and siblings who are divorced.
It all goes back to what I originally said in my article. One cannot generalize about the pros or cons of any the methods used by various Orthodox communities to get their young people married. The individuals involved should use the method that they feel will work for them.
Proper Torah based behavior and midos during the meeting/dating ? and long after the chupah – is what counts. I feel we all can agree on that.
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Leah Katz, a TeenZone camper at Oorah’s TheZone summer camp and an 11th grader at Midwood High School, read her winning essay about how TheZone changed her views on Judaism at the Jewish Heritage Awards Ceremony held at Brooklyn District Attorney Charles Hynes’s office in April. The purpose of the Jewish Heritage Essay Contest is to acquaint public school students with Jewish history and customs and to help foster a deeper understanding of Jewish culture. The contest is open to students of all ethnic and religious backgrounds. Leah’s essay is reproduced in full below.
Moshe Sharett, the head of the Jewish Agency’s Political Department, visited Egypt in 1945. In Cairo he met a most remarkable young woman, a beautiful journalist who was the darling of Egyptian high society – from high-ranking military brass, to culture icons and Muslim sheikhs, to the court of King Faruk.
The two proceeded to talk about everyday things and surprisingly her mother-in-law did not find anything else to criticize. This occurred a few more times, with my client changing the topic every time by complimenting her mother-in-law or mentioning something positive about her.
There is always a lot of confusion surrounding sensory processing disorder – mainly because there are many different diagnoses that fall under the catch-all phrase sensory processing disorder (SPD). Among them are three specific subcategories:
The doctor had warned us that even if we did everything right and followed the protocol after the follicle was of the right size, there was no guarantee of success. Fertilization still had to occur, and just like couples do not necessarily become pregnant every month, we had no way to know if we were actually expecting for two full weeks.
The next chapter of the award-winning novel.
Jewish Press columnist Rebbetzin Esther Jungreis, founder and president of Hineni, the international Torah outreach organization, recently addressed an overflowing audience at the Beth Jacob Congregation of Irvine in southern California. Rebbetzin Jungreis’s address theme, “Making a Good Relationship Magical,” was apropos for the evening’s main mission: raising funds for the Irvine community’s mikveh.
You have probably been planning your marriage since you were about three. Let’s fast-forward to a big milestone– your twenty-fifth wedding anniversary. (Don’t worry, you don’t look a day over twenty one!) Now, would you appreciate your husband buying you a dozen roses that some florist recommended?
As I mentioned in my earlier articles about our family trip to Israel, our night flight went pretty smooth, thanks to my children’s willingness to sleep throughout the flight. I, on the other hand, didn’t sleep a wink and I wasn’t feeling too great by the time we landed. But we were finally in Israel, and just being in the beautifully renovated Ben Gurion airport and hearing all the Hebrew around us was exciting enough.
While all the flowers that grace your Shavuos table will surely be a delight to your eye, these will be a delight for your palette as well. Create them at any level, simple or sophisticated; any way you make them they’re sure to be a sensation.
Welcome back to “You’re Asking Me?” where we attempt to answer questions sent in by people who fortunately have fake names, so they won’t be embarrassed. I don’t know how they got through school, though.
Speechless wonder is the reaction to the beautiful vision seen though the Arch of the Keshet Cave at the Adamit Park in the Galilee. One of the most amazing natural wonders in Eretz Yisrael, the Me’arat Hakeshet — also known as the Rainbow Cave or Arch Cave — can be found up against the Israel-Lebanon border just a few kilometers from Rosh Hanikra and the sparkling blue Mediterranean Sea. It is situated amid the wild scenery on the cliffs of Nachal Betzet and Nachal Namer, on the Adamit Ridge.
One of the subjects I was taught as a young child in school was Tefillah. Since we spoke only Ivrit during our Limudei Kodesh and secular Hebrew studies – literature, creative writing and Jewish history – we pretty much understood the words we were davening.
Shortly before Pesach, I received a rather agitated call from a long time reader of The Jewish Press who pleaded with me to write a column regarding what she insisted was the unwarranted high cost of Pesach food – in particular shmurah matzah – and how hard it was for young families to pay what she felt were over-inflated prices in order to keep strictly kosher.
The price of deliberate obliviousness is very high – emotionally, physically, socially, and financially.
How is it possible that a person of seemingly normal intelligence (nowhere does it say he is simple) not have the ability to ask a question – to not react and enquire as to the why of the hustle and bustle around him?
It was one of those cold, rain-soaked evenings – the kind that make you look forward to a hot drink, a good book and a soft couch to curl up on. With those happy thoughts in mind, I proceeded to cross to the other side of the street.
The other day I was shopping at a large supermarket and happened to go down the frozen foods aisle, past the endless freezers containing every imaginable flavor, shape and size of ice cream. I rarely buy. Rather I am like a tourist in a museum – gawking at wondrous objects that I know I can’t take home with me.
He stood his ground despite the intense pressure to do what everyone else was doing. His integrity was more important to him than “fitting in.”
Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/magazine/friendly-rebuttal/2003/12/10/
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