web analytics
January 26, 2015 / 6 Shevat, 5775
 
At a Glance
Sections
Sponsored Post


Covering Up A Shidduch Stumbling Block?

Kupfer-022814

It is said that on Yom HaDin, when a soul has departed this world, it will be summoned before the Heavenly Court and its behavior and actions as a flesh and blood person will be scrutinized and assessed. While standing in judgment, one will be asked whether his business and financial transactions were conducted ethically and honestly – or not.

I find myself hoping that another inquiry be made: Was the person truthful and forthcoming when asked about the physical and mental health of a person he/she was a reference for in a potential shidduch. Did he (or she), to the best of his ability, accurately describe the boy or girl being redt – or did he – in the misguided belief that marriage would “fix” the troubled, dysfunctional person, withhold vital information?  Did he, against the Torah commandment to not put a “stumbling block in front of a blind person,” cause that naïve individual a lifetime of misery, turmoil and trauma?

They say the road to hell is paved with good intentions, and that is precisely what almost always happens in situations where a reference knew someone had serious but hidden emotional issues, but did not reveal the information to the person making inquiries.

Innocent, trusting young men and women, as well as their parents, accept what they are told about the potential dater – especially if the reference is a highly respected rosh yeshiva, rav or teacher.

But a reluctance to speak what they feel is lashon hara, or because of a naïve belief that the problem is surmountable, has resulted in many shattered lives, with bewildered, distressed spouses eventually having to decide on the lesser of two evils: Getting divorced and becoming single parents, or staying married and suffering miserably for decades.

In addition, due to these toxic unions, new generations are being raised in dysfunctional households leading to emotionally impaired individuals who, in the future, will perpetuate the dysfunction, because they themselves will be mentally damaged and repeat the mistreatment – that is all they know.

For example, kids raised in a home where one spouse is consistently denigrated and belittled may see this behavior as normal.  It is their template, unless they see other families act differently.  Even so, people tend to copy what is familiar. The word “familiar” is rooted in the word “family.”

References are living in a fantasy world if they think “frum” people are immune to the mental health issues that afflict the rest of humanity.  Burying their heads in the sand or putting blinders on does not mean the problems don’t exist.  Denial doesn’t change the truth.

Several of our columnists who are psychologists, therapists, and life and marriage counselors have written in great detail about the mental health issues assailing our community, extensively describing addictive behaviors, anxiety, depression, and various personality disorders.  They have also examined the extreme stress, distress, isolation, and social difficulties associated with being married to, or the child of, a mentally unsound individual.

Often, these hapless men, women and children end up with battered egos. Years of verbal, emotional and even physical abuse have destroyed their self-esteem, and some become angry bullies who lash out at those they feel are weak – in an unconscious attempt to shore up their negative self-image. Others become the timid, vulnerable victims of these verbally and physically abusive bullies. Many are unable to develop healthy attachments or relationships since the abused child locked in their psyche believes the vile message of their youth – you are worthless, you are unlovable.

I remember an incident that took place over 30 years ago but that has been seared into my memory.

About the Author:


If you don't see your comment after publishing it, refresh the page.

Our comments section is intended for meaningful responses and debates in a civilized manner. We ask that you respect the fact that we are a religious Jewish website and avoid inappropriate language at all cost.

If you promote any foreign religions, gods or messiahs, lies about Israel, anti-Semitism, or advocate violence (except against terrorists), your permission to comment may be revoked.

4 Responses to “Covering Up A Shidduch Stumbling Block?”

  1. Life is very difficult.

  2. Too many nightmares to mention. Sadly true.

Comments are closed.

SocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

Current Top Story
Ilana Medar, 18, of Paris, made Aliyah last year.
Jewish Agency Planning for Massive Aliyah of 120,000 French Jews
Latest Sections Stories
Dr. Esther Rose Lowy

Dr. Lowy believed passionately in higher education for both men and women and would stop at nothing to assist young students in achieving their educational goals.

book-Lincoln

It’s almost pointless to try to summarize all of the fascinating information that Holzer’s research unearthed.

The special charm of these letters is their immediacy and authenticity of emotion and description.

Why is there such a steep learning curve for teachers? And what can we, as educators and community activists, do better in the educational system and keep first-year teachers in the job?

Teachers, as well as administrators, must be actively involved in the daily prayers that transpire at a school and must set the bar as dugmaot ishiot, role models, on how one must daven.

Often both girls and boys compare their date to their parents.

We love the food, the hotels, and even the wildlife. We love the Israelis.

Few traces remain of the glory days of Jewish life in the kingdoms of Sicily and Naples, but the demise wasn’t due to the eruption of nearby Mount Vesuvius. Rather it was a manmade volcano called the Edict of Expulsion from Spain – and not even an invitation to return in Shevat of 1740 could […]

Garbage in your streets, my city
Wind-blown litter, lonely men

I love you in your blazing heat
my aching feet
dragging in your streets.

These monsters constantly attack
When we dare to try to fight back

With so many new cases of ADHD reported each year, it is important to help children learn how to sit still.

More Articles from Cheryl Kupfer
Kupfer-112114

Divorce from a vindictive, cruel spouse can be a lifelong nightmare when there are offspring.

Kupfer-092614-Books

Not knowing any better, I assumed that Molly and her mother must be voracious readers.

Unpleasant happenings are quickly discarded if they do not affect us directly.

I have always insisted that everything that happens to anyone or anything is min Shamayim.

It is so hurtful to heighten people’s sense of inadequacy and guilt in a matzav that is already horrendous and difficult to bear.

Make no mistake: in the wrong hands cars are weapons of mass destruction.

Where once divorce in heimische communities was relatively uncommon, nowadays every family has a son, daughter, sibling cousin who is divorced – sometimes twice or even three times!

Many go about the business of living frum, observant lives, but they are only going through the motions.

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/magazine/on-our-own/covering-up-a-shidduch-stumbling-block/2014/02/28/

Scan this QR code to visit this page online: