web analytics
August 30, 2015 / 15 Elul, 5775
At a Glance
Sections
Sponsored Post


Happily Ever After?


Kupfer-060614

Several Shabbosim ago, I found myself intrigued by something my brother’s rav said during his drasha. Rabbi Yehoshua Weber mentioned that he had hosted several young men for the Friday night meal and as typical when there are eligible bochrim in their upper twenties, the subject of marriage came up. The obvious question was why they were still single. Across the board, the answer was because they were afraid to get married.

Days later, I happened to bump into the rav as I was paying a shiva call and he was on his way out. I asked him to clarify what their fear was based upon, and what their background was. Were they perhaps baalei teshuva and uncomfortable with the shidduch process, were they just a bunch of shy guys, did they have commitment issues or were they full of themselves and too picky?

He told me that his guests were raised in frum homes and very aware that getting married and building a bayit ne’eman b’Yisrael is the ultimate goal.

Apparently, their reluctance to get married was fueled by the fact that several of their friends who had plunged into the matrimonial waters were floundering and even “drowning.” Some had gotten divorced or were on the verge. Others were just as miserable but had small children and ending the union would be very complicated and costly – emotionally, financially and socially. They were going to stay married.

I know of older girls who also are terrified of being in toxic marriages – and toxic divorces – and are very reluctant to date.

Both in New York and Toronto and perhaps elsewhere, support groups have sprung up for young men and women who are divorced. Obviously there is a need. Where once divorce in heimische communities was relatively uncommon, nowadays every family has a son, daughter, sibling cousin who is divorced – sometimes twice or even three times!

Shortly after my conversation with Rabbi Weber, I attended a gathering that focused on what is popularly referred to as the “shidduch crisis.” It was convened by Torah in Motion, an organization launched by Rabbi Jay Kelman with a mandate to “learn, study, teach, discuss and debate the key issues facing the Jewish world.”

They screened “Dating and Marriage” a film produced by YUConnects (a project of Yeshiva University) followed by a panel discussion that featured Aliza Abrams, Director, Dept. of Jewish Service, Yeshiva University’s Center for the Jewish Future (who would be viewed as an “older” single and was interviewed in the film); Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, a Jewish Press columnist, president of Nefesh International and Director of Operations for OHEL Children’s home and Family Services; Rabbi Chananya Weissman, founder of EndtheMadness and HotKiddush.com and Rabbi Daniel Korobkin, senior rabbi of Beth Avraham Yosef Congregation of Toronto. The panel was moderated by Dr. Elliot Malamet.

While not everyone was comfortable describing the situation as a crisis (Rabbi Weissman pointed out the kidnapping of hundreds of Nigerian school girls was a crisis), all the panelists offered various insights as to why getting married has become more stressful and complicated than it used to be.

The great majority of the baby boomers, now in their 50’s and 60’s, managed to get married and stay that way and are bewildered by having single sons and daughters in their late 20’s and early 30’s with weeks and months passing by between the date suggestions and their actualization.

There were several reasons offered for the “state of the un-union.”

One that drew a lot of discussion was the seeming lack of effort in maximizing one’s physical assets.

One panelist pointed out that several of the singles interviewed in the film could have made themselves appear more presentable by wearing clothes that flattered their figures or washing their hair and wearing it in a flattering style.

About the Author:


If you don't see your comment after publishing it, refresh the page.

Our comments section is intended for meaningful responses and debates in a civilized manner. We ask that you respect the fact that we are a religious Jewish website and avoid inappropriate language at all cost.

If you promote any foreign religions, gods or messiahs, lies about Israel, anti-Semitism, or advocate violence (except against terrorists), your permission to comment may be revoked.

5 Responses to “Happily Ever After?”

  1. Helen Talkin says:

    I know it’s heart-breaking!!!!

  2. Helen Talkin says:

    I know it’s heart-breaking!!!!

  3. as much as yiddlichs would like”to build a fence around Torah” we can’t help but be influenced by the culture around us. it is a struggle in all aspects of life,which does affect marriage.it is not ze veldt of our zaddas and bubbes. we need our sechaiel and strength.

  4. Women do not know how to be women any more !

Comments are closed.

Current Top Story
Rabbi Norman Lamm of Yeshiva University
Emes Ve-Emunah: Living Up to the Ideals of Modern Orthodoxy
Latest Sections Stories
book-Lord-Get-Me-High

Even when our prayers are ignored and troubles confront us, Rabbi Shoff teaches that it is the same God who sent the difficulties as who answered our prayers before.

Schonfeld-logo1

I’ve put together some of the most frequently asked questions regarding bullies, friendship and learning disabilities.

book-Avi's-Choice

His parents make it clear that they feel the right thing is for Avi to visit his grandfather, but they leave it up to him.

There is a rich Jewish history in this part of the world. Now the hidden customs are being revealed, as many seek to reconnect with their roots.

There are times when a psychiatrist will over-medicate, which is why it’s important to find a psychiatrist whom you trust and feel comfortable with.

On November 22, 1963, Abraham Zapruder created one of the most famous, and valuable, pieces of film and became forever linked with one of the greatest American national tragedies when he stood with his camera on an elevated concrete abutment as President John F. Kennedy’s motorcade passed through Dealey Plaza in Dallas. Exhibited here is […]

“Worrying is carrying tomorrow’s load with today’s strength – carrying two days at once. It is moving into tomorrow ahead of time. Worrying doesn’t empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength.” – Corrie ten Boom I’ve been thinking a lot about worrying. Anxiety is an issue close to my heart – […]

Don’t be afraid to try something different.

Upon meeting the Zionist delegation, General Wu, a recent convert to Christianity, said, “You are my spiritual brothers.

With the assistance of Mr. Tress, Private Moskowitz tried tirelessly to become an army chaplain.

Dr. Yael Respler is taking a well-deserved vacation this week and asked Eilon Even-Esh to share some thoughts with her readers in her stead.

More Articles from Cheryl Kupfer
Kupfer-On-Our-Own-NEW

What I call verbal terrorism is tragically not rare at all.

Kupfer-060515-Supermen

There are fathers who bravely step up to the plate and fill in the maternal vacuum with their love and devotion.

The message being conveyed is that without “flour,” without the means to support oneself and one’s family, one’s focus on Torah will be impeded by worry.

Divorce from a vindictive, cruel spouse can be a lifelong nightmare when there are offspring.

Not knowing any better, I assumed that Molly and her mother must be voracious readers.

Unpleasant happenings are quickly discarded if they do not affect us directly.

I have always insisted that everything that happens to anyone or anything is min Shamayim.

It is so hurtful to heighten people’s sense of inadequacy and guilt in a matzav that is already horrendous and difficult to bear.

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/magazine/on-our-own/happily-ever-after/2014/06/06/

Scan this QR code to visit this page online: