web analytics
July 24, 2014 / 26 Tammuz, 5774
Israel at War: Operation Protective Edge
 
 
At a Glance
Sections
Sponsored Post
IDC Advocacy Room IDC Fights War on Another Front

Student Union opens ‘hasbara’ room in effort to fill public diplomacy vacuum.



Out Of The FOG


Kupfer-091313

In my previous column I wrote about the growing phenomenon in the western world of couples opting out of having children. An increasing number of fertile women and men are deliberately choosing to be childless. While their reasons may vary, and could be viewed as being selfish or immature, I do applaud their decision to “stick to their guns” and not give in to the grinding pressure they undoubtedly are subjected to by their families and society at large to produce children. Thus they will not have offspring they do not want, who very possibly, would have been at risk for being physically, verbally or emotionally abused by their resentful or emotionally distant parents.

Our community has a very different mindset – we live to have children. Each child is considered a bracha – a priceless commodity to cherish and nurture.

Thus, it cannot be over-emphasized that everybody and anybody involved in the shidduch parsha – parents; shadchanim; references; roshei yeshiva; teachers; co-workers; neighbors – has a moral obligation to ensure, to the best of their ability and awareness, that the boy or girl being set up are emotionally and mentally sound enough to be competent and loving mothers and fathers.

I remember being privy to a conversation during which a young wife mentioned her husband’s friend who had gotten divorced a few months into his marriage. His wife was crazy he insisted – he had to get away from her. Tragically, she had been expecting and now he had a child he would never know as he had cut off any connection with his ex-wife.

I couldn’t help feel horrified at the thought that if his perception of his ex-wife was true – that she was mentally ill – then this child had been dealt two destructive blows: no father, and being raised by an emotionally unstable mother.

The fact that this man would walk away from his child speaks volumes in terms of how “normal” he is – but the fact remains that this child is likely to have mental health issues being raised by a “crazy” mother.

We all know the kids who are growing up in a mentally unhealthy environment. Often, they are the outsiders in school – the ones their classmates avoid. No one wants a play date with an “oddball” or someone who keeps to him/herself, or who never invites back. I remember several of my sons’ classmates’ mothers – some constantly yelled at and belittled their child, others were super controlling, not letting their child speak but answering questions directed to their son. Others were “nice” but once you befriended them, they would want your company all the time, calling dozens of times a day to get together.

Often friendships were undermined by a parent’s distorted perception of reality. A mother I know would scold her son’s playmates if she felt they didn’t pass the ball often enough to him. Didn’t they like him? Was he not good enough to catch the ball, she would shout from the porch as she watched them play? This child grew up to be socially isolated and inept because of unrealistic expectations.

Sadly, due to circumstances out of their control, there are hapless people with what are called personality disorders. While doing some research, I came across a fascinating website called “out of the FOG.” (outofthefog.net)

Out of the FOG is “an information site and support group offering help to family members and loved-ones of people who suffer from personality disorders… Personality Disorders negatively affect the quality of life not only of the people who suffer from them, but also their family members, spouses, partners, friends, colleagues and acquaintances…The acronym FOG stands for Fear, Obligation & Guilt – feelings that often result from being in a relationship with a person who suffers from a Personality Disorder.”

Various personality disorders include: APD – Antisocial Personality Disorder; AVPD – Avoidant Personality Disorder; BPD – Borderline Personality Disorder; DPD – Dependent Personality Disorder; HPD -Histrionic Personality Disorder; NPD – Narcissistic Personality Disorder and OCPD -Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder, among others.

A statistic posted by Out of the Fog, states that about 75% of people with personality disorders were in some way abused as children.

About the Author:


If you don't see your comment after publishing it, refresh the page.

Our comments section is intended for meaningful responses and debates in a civilized manner. We ask that you respect the fact that we are a religious Jewish website and avoid inappropriate language at all cost.

If you promote any foreign religions, gods or messiahs, lies about Israel, anti-Semitism, or advocate violence (except against terrorists), your permission to comment may be revoked.

Please use the Facebook Tab below to leave your comment:

One Response to “Out Of The FOG”

  1. taraapd says:

    he organization TARA for Borderline Personality Disorder (www.tara4bpd.org) (1-888-4-taraapd) provides information, referrals, training classes for family members of people with BPD  and psychoeducation  for people with BPD.We teach family members  hands on ways to help effectively, based on evidence based treatments. (DBT)Many people from this community have attended. I am the author of Overcoming BPD, A Family Guide to Healing and Change   Valerie Porr, MA

Comments are closed.

SocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

Loading Facebook Comments ...
Loading Disqus Comments ...
Current Top Story
Shimon Peres meets with the family of fallen IDF soldier Max Steinberg.
Four Notes on The Situation
Latest Sections Stories
Singer-072514

On his marriage, he wrote: “This is what I believe: something of the core, of the essence of this meaningful and life-affirming Judaism will not be absent from our home” (1882).

With the recent kidnapping by the Hamas and the barbaric murder of three children – Gilad Shaar, Eyal Yifrach and Naftali Frankel, we believe that the best answer to honor the memory of those murdered is to continue building those very communities – large and small – that our enemies are trying to destroy.

book-Family-Frayda

Written entirely through Frayda’s eyes, the reader is drawn by her unassuming personality.

Adopting an ancient exegetical approach that is based on midrashic readings of the text, thematic connections that span between various books of the Bible are revealed.

While Lipman comes from an ultra-Orthodox background and is an Orthodox rabbi, he offers a breath of fresh air when he suggests that “polarization caused by extremism and isolationism in the religious community may be the greatest internal threat to the future of the Jewish people”

The Joys of Yiddish, Leo Rosten defines a mentch as “someone to admire and emulate, someone of noble character.”

Certainly today’s communication via e-mail, Facebook, Twitter and the like, including the ubiquitous Whatsapp, has reduced the need to talk with people and communicate at length.

These two special women utilized their incredibly painful experience as an opportunity to assist others.

Maybe we don’t have to lose that growth and unity that we have achieved, especially with the situation in Eretz Yisrael right now.

Sleepily, I watched him kissing Mai’s chubby thighs.

I have always insisted that everything that happens to anyone or anything is min Shamayim.

My teachers like me and they tell my parents that I am a great girl with good middos.

The chicken and waffle nuggets were fabulous and were like chicken in a dessert form.

More Articles from Cheryl Kupfer
Kupfer-032814

A young lady in her early 20’s, “Sarah” was redt to “Shlomie” a boy from her home town who learned in an out-of-town yeshiva. The families know each other well, which in today’s shidduch scene is a big plus – since it was therefore unlikely the kids would “fall in” due to misinformation and misinterpretations.

Kupfer-031414

I came to the conclusion a long time ago that I have to do what is right for me – as long as it’s “ halachically kosher” and doesn’t negatively impact on others – and not worry too much about what others think.

They say the road to hell is paved with good intentions, and that is precisely what almost always happens in situations where a reference knew someone had serious but hidden emotional issues, but did not reveal the information to the person making inquiries.

Time never stood still for anyone – why would I be the exception? In my hubris, I thought that somehow I would live forever – and I suspect we all have secretly felt that way, even though we know it’s a fantasy.

One can argue that forgetting something on a regular basis is a sign of advancing age and it’s time to for a neurological evaluation, but based on the number of young people who need to replace a lost smart phone (too bad it’s not smart enough to warn its owner that that they have become separated – or is there an app for that too?), I safely can say that losing “stuff” cuts across the generations.

For quite a few days in late December, Toronto was transformed into a breathtaking – literally and figuratively – frigid winter wonderland, where every twig, leaf, car door, and outdoor wire and cable was totally encased in ice. When the sun shone the landscape was blindingly brilliant as if billions of diamonds had been glued to everything the eye could see.

Outside is a winter-white wonderland replete with dazzling trees, wires, and sidewalks seemingly wrapped in glittery silver foil. It’s quite lovely to look at, which is about all I can do since I’m stuck indoors. Icicle-laden tree branches are bent and hunch-backed by the frozen heaviness of their popsicle-like burden, and the voices squawking from the battery-operated transistor radio I am listening to are warning people not to go out since walkways and roads are extremely slippery, and there is real danger from falling trees.

The necessity of speaking up when you “have a hunch” applies even more when it comes to shidduchim. One little girl did just that – she said something – and I was fortunate enough to be in town for the very joyful, lively wedding that resulted from her speaking up.

    Latest Poll

    Do you think the FAA ban on US flights to Israel is political?






    View Results

    Loading ... Loading ...

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/magazine/on-our-own/out-of-the-fog/2013/09/13/

Scan this QR code to visit this page online: