web analytics
December 21, 2014 / 29 Kislev, 5775
 
At a Glance
Sections
Sponsored Post
8000 meals Celebrate Eight Days of Chanukah – With 8,000 Free Meals Daily to Israel’s Poor

Join Meir Panim’s campaign to “light up” Chanukah for families in need.



Shidduch Madness: No Jumping the Queue

Kupfer-011813-485x273

I have visited several communities this past month, and every conversation I have been a part of or overheard, whether with friends, acquaintances and strangers, seems to end up focused on the puzzling “state of the union,” or rather the state of non-union – what everyone calls the shidduch crisis.

From modern Orthodox to charedi and everywhere in between, people are beside themselves with worry and confusion because so many fine young men and women remain unmarried. Not only are they single, just getting a date has become a major undertaking requiring weeks of effort, determination and patience. For all too many, dates are far and few between – despite the fact that most of these young people are quite marriage ready. They are healthy physically and mentally, are educated/gainfully employed, involved in chesed projects and come from “good” families.

It truly defies logic when I am told by a relative’s machataynesta that on her block in Brooklyn there are a dozen girls in their mid to late 20’s and even 30’s who are waiting in vain for the phone to ring.

Personally, I find it bewildering that a shidduch I suggested for an amazing 23 year old girl from a “shtark” family is still in limbo – not a no, but not yet a yes either – two months later.

From what I am hearing, it seems that girls in the parsha as young as 21 are having difficulty getting dates, especially those living outside New York.

That is why I have a hard time understanding parents who will not allow their children – especially daughters – to begin to date until the sibling ahead of them gets married.

This is an issue that I have seen brought up from time to time in The Jewish Press in letters or articles in the Family Issues section with arguments both for and against. Sometimes there are older siblings insisting that they marry first and their siblings be “in the freezer” until that happens, while others give permission to their younger brothers and sisters to get on with their lives and bypass them.

Some parents are rather rigid about the older child marrying first, even if he or she has said it is okay for the younger one to “jump the queue.” They argue that the older unmarried sibling may develop feelings of inadequacy or even shame over the fact that younger sisters or brothers are building a bayit ne’eman, and that in recognition of the potential tzsar (emotional anguish) or perceived busha (embarrassment), they should not date until the older one is ensconced under the chuppah.

While this is a valid and legitimate viewpoint, and rightfully takes into account the sensitivities of the older child, is it fair to the other children who must put their own marital dreams and aspirations on hold, often for years and possibly jeopardizing their own chances of getting married as they become “older” singles?

How far should protecting the feelings of an older sibling go? Should a younger brother who is a better learner or academic scholar than his older brother suppress his abilities so as not to cause his less talented brother discomfort? Should a girl who is prettier than her sister purposely minimize or diminish her looks so as not to outshine her? Should she gain 40 pounds because her sister is overweight? Should a man deliberately undermine his business and make bad decisions because a sibling in the same line of work is struggling and not as successful?

What if the oldest sibling actually did get married in a timely manner and thus the younger ones had a “green light” to date and are now married too – but the older sibling has not been blessed with children? Should the younger couples then prevent the conception of their own children until the older one has a child? Should not the same argument that it is painful for the oldest to be surpassed by younger siblings when it comes to marriage also apply to having children?

After all, isn’t the heartache and keen sense of deprivation of a childless older sibling watching a younger brother or sister as they play or dance with their children on Purim or Simchat Torah of the same piercing caliber as it is for an unmarried older sibling seeing the younger brothers and sisters he or she babysat for being fiered to the chuppah first?

About the Author:


If you don't see your comment after publishing it, refresh the page.

Our comments section is intended for meaningful responses and debates in a civilized manner. We ask that you respect the fact that we are a religious Jewish website and avoid inappropriate language at all cost.

If you promote any foreign religions, gods or messiahs, lies about Israel, anti-Semitism, or advocate violence (except against terrorists), your permission to comment may be revoked.

2 Responses to “Shidduch Madness: No Jumping the Queue”

  1. Moshe Coan says:

    ZivugZone.com is a new and innovative dating website for Frum singles with a unique personality compatibility matching system. 3,600+ singles! 100% Free!

  2. how does one become a matchmaker on the site ?

Comments are closed.

SocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

Current Top Story
Christian Israeli Kay Wilson and Mohammed "Zionist" Zoabi.
Christian Terror Victim Protected ‘Mohammed the Zionist’ from Terrorists
Latest Sections Stories
Games-121914

Here are examples of games that need to be played by more than one person and an added bonus: they’re all Shabbos-friendly.

South-Florida-logo

The incident was completely unforeseeable. The only term to describe the set of circumstances surrounding it is “freak occurrence.”

South-Florida-logo

The first Chabad Center in Broward County, Chabad of South Broward, now runs nearly fifty programs and agencies. T

The NHS was also honored to have Bob Diener as keynote speaker.

Written with flowing language and engaging style, Attar weaves a spell that combines mystery, humor, adventure and Kabbalah in the most magical place in the world, the Old City of erusalem.

There are those who highlight the diversity of these different teachings, seeing each rebbe as teaching a separate path.

Rav Dynovisz will be speaking in Hebrew on Wednesday, January 7, at 7:30 p.m.

Rabbi Simeon Schreiber, senior chaplain at Mount Sinai Medical Center in Miami Beach, saw a small room in the hospital that was dark and dismal but could be used for Sabbath guests.

“The secret to a good donut is using quality ingredients and the ability to be patient and give them time to proof.”

I so desperately want to have a loving relationship with my stepsons.

The Liberty Bell is a symbol of American Independence.

Because you can’t have kids pouring huge jugs of oil into tiny glasses, unless you want to turn your house into an environmental disaster.

Try these with your kids; there’s something for every age group and once all the recipes are made, dinner will be ready!

You children will build the country and you will help restore Israel to her former glory.

More Articles from Cheryl Kupfer
Kupfer-112114

Divorce from a vindictive, cruel spouse can be a lifelong nightmare when there are offspring.

Kupfer-092614-Books

Not knowing any better, I assumed that Molly and her mother must be voracious readers.

Unpleasant happenings are quickly discarded if they do not affect us directly.

I have always insisted that everything that happens to anyone or anything is min Shamayim.

It is so hurtful to heighten people’s sense of inadequacy and guilt in a matzav that is already horrendous and difficult to bear.

Make no mistake: in the wrong hands cars are weapons of mass destruction.

Where once divorce in heimische communities was relatively uncommon, nowadays every family has a son, daughter, sibling cousin who is divorced – sometimes twice or even three times!

Many go about the business of living frum, observant lives, but they are only going through the motions.

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/magazine/on-our-own/shidduch-madness-no-jumping-the-queue/2013/01/17/

Scan this QR code to visit this page online: