Chillul Tefila Bifarhesia, as well as halachicly challenged verbiage and dress, are external manifestations of a critical lack of personal yiras shomayim which has lethal consequences.
Thank you for your letters. I received so many letters on this topic asking me what a person can do to help, if mentioning weight is counterproductive. One woman wanted ideas on how to deal with her teenage niece who searches her kitchen for snacks from the moment she walks in from school and then gets upset because of her overeating. Another wanted to know how to help her husband who keeps gaining weight but doesn’t see it as becoming a health problem. Most of the other letters were variations on the same theme, and so let me try and address these issues.
It is so important to remember that the issue of weight is complex and the causes are multifaceted. Pain, uncertainty, unhappiness etc. in people’s lives are often stuffed down with food. Food can also fill the loneliness and makes people feel better. While we may not know what is causing the problem, we can assist in helping a person deal with it simply by making her feel better about herself. The more you like yourself, the less you want to hurt yourself. The more you love your life, the less you will risk losing it. This may sound simplistic, but by simply making someone feel good about who he/she is, you can start him/her on the road to better self-care.
As I’ve discussed, commenting on a person’s weight or telling him that he needs to lose weight, is not an effective means of helping that person deal with a weight problem. Things that do work are usually inviting the person to join you in an activity that you are doing. Asking if he’d like to begin walking with you, as you are starting on a walking regime and you’d love his company, conveys the message that you care about him without pointing fingers at his failings.
Asking for that person’s company as you join a diet club, like Weight Watchers, is also effective for the same reasons. But this takes a time commitment from you and may not be something you particularly want to do. Another way of discovering the best and most effective way to help someone with his/her weight is simply to ask how you can help. Do not bring up the topic, but if you are a good friend your friend will eventually bring up his/her concerns about carrying excess pounds. That is your opening.
It is your chance not to lecture or tell the person what she/he already knows but to ask how you may be of help in what she/he wants to accomplish. Then you must listen and be willing to accept the answer. Do not contradict or challenge what that person is saying. If you are told there is nothing you can do, then that is exactly what you will be doing – nothing – for now. Just say that you are there for him/her any time, should she/he want your help. This lets the person stay in control of his/her own life. Once you respect that choice, you have a better chance of the person coming back to you to enlist your help when she/he is ready. Readiness is a major part of succeeding. Trusting you to respect the person’s choice is a prerequisite to asking for your help.
As for the teenage niece who searches for snacks, when she is sharing her regret over her self-destructive behavior is the perfect time to ask her − not tell her − how can you help. Listen to what she is telling you. “Nothing” is code for “butt out.” “I don’t know” leaves you an opening for suggestions. Would she want you to remind her when she opens the fridge that she will beat herself up about it later? Would it be helpful if you had a healthy snack ready for her when she came over? Would it help to put a child-safe lock on the candy cupboard as a silent reminder for her to stop? Then, listen to her answer and do what she asks you, whether it makes sense to you or not.
For the husband who is gaining weight and has no problem with it, why not try making time to go for a short walk together. Make the walk an enjoyable together time. You can even include your children, making it a family event. As you casually direct the walk up a steep hill, if there is one in your neighborhood, or keep up a fast pace if there isn’t and you both get short of breath, the idea of the need for you both to exercise becomes self evident. The family walk can become a fun way to put some health in your day while enjoying each other.
Whatever direction your help takes, try not to control the other person. Let that person decide the type of help she/he need from you, if any. And if your help is not wanted and the person continues to harm him/herself with poor choices, your choice must be to accept that person, as he/she is. It is the only chance you have, that the person will get help, eventually, when ready to do so.
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Nearly half a million of them fought in Red Army uniforms, under communist slogans but with a personal vengeance that was solely the result of Jewish experience. More than the “Greatest Generation,” they were the living superheroes hidden in plain sight.
It’s all over.
The orchestra is still, the lights are dimmed. Your simcha outfits hang in your closet, silent witnesses to a time you will treasure in your mind and heart forever.
After noticing that you can’t log into your computer, your pulse quickens as you are called into your supervisor’s office. S/he has some bad news. You are being laid off. You have 15 minutes to clean out your desk and surrender your cell phone before security escorts you out of the building. Job termination, especially in the corporate world, can be heartless.
I have always had a problem with the Omer. Doing the mitzvah of counting the Omer was of course pretty easy. Remembering to start the second evening of Passover and remembering to stop the day before Shavous took a little concentration but somehow I always managed. No, for me the nagging problem was always why was I doing this in the first place, other than the fact it was a biblical (according to the Rambam) commandment.
With the semi-mourning period of Sefira behind us, and the festival of Shavuot as well (as evidenced by the tightness of our clothing due to over-indulging in irresistible versions of cheesecake that is an integral component of celebrating our receipt of the Torah), our community can look forward to participating in joyous engagement parties and weddings.
Dear Dr. Yael:
Do you really believe that the Internet is the reason why the divorce rate is so high among young couples? This may be so in some cases, but what about the fact that many singles are pressured to get married at a young age despite not having any idea what they are looking for in a mate? And add to that the fact that many are pressured to make a decision about marriage after dating for a very short period of time.
From the moment they stand under the chuppah, newlyweds have two years to enjoy the special bliss that new love brings. This new finding, reported by the New York Times, is based on a study undertaken by American and European researchers. 1,761 people who got married and stayed married over 15 years were followed. The research shows that after two years the couples moved into a more companionable state in their relationships.
Shel Silverstein’s 1974 poem “Where The Sidewalk Ends” is intended to paint a magical picture of a world of peace and serenity far away from the “black and dark streets.” At the time, perhaps the end of the sidewalk was a place that was “measured and slow.” Today, however, for many parents, where the sidewalk ends can feel like a scary place.
The next chapter of the award-winning novel.
Florida is famous for sparkling water. We have the beautiful Atlantic Ocean and Gulf of Mexico surrounding our coast. We have bays, lakes, canals and, of course, an incredible abundance of swimming pools in homes, resorts, apartment complexes and city parks.
The buzz is back as Camp Gan Israel Florida Overnight gears up for another fantastic summer, CGI Florida style. What makes CGI Florida so different from all the other overnight camps? It’s all in the details.
Leah Katz, a TeenZone camper at Oorah’s TheZone summer camp and an 11th grader at Midwood High School, read her winning essay about how TheZone changed her views on Judaism at the Jewish Heritage Awards Ceremony held at Brooklyn District Attorney Charles Hynes’s office in April. The purpose of the Jewish Heritage Essay Contest is to acquaint public school students with Jewish history and customs and to help foster a deeper understanding of Jewish culture. The contest is open to students of all ethnic and religious backgrounds. Leah’s essay is reproduced in full below.
Moshe Sharett, the head of the Jewish Agency’s Political Department, visited Egypt in 1945. In Cairo he met a most remarkable young woman, a beautiful journalist who was the darling of Egyptian high society – from high-ranking military brass, to culture icons and Muslim sheikhs, to the court of King Faruk.
The two proceeded to talk about everyday things and surprisingly her mother-in-law did not find anything else to criticize. This occurred a few more times, with my client changing the topic every time by complimenting her mother-in-law or mentioning something positive about her.
When one is blind one learns to use Braille to read. When one cannot walk, a wheelchair gives mobility. Sign language allows a mute person to speak and ocular implants assist in hearing when one is deaf. These are all compensatory strategies that help a person function despite his disability. But compensatory strategies are not just for physical problems. Understanding our psychological weaknesses and setting up our lives to ensure that we are not tempted to repeat our past mistakes, is as necessary as any aid to the disabled.
Well spouses have often discovered that their friends and relatives, despite their closeness to the situation, often don’t realize the tremendous emotional impact living with chronic illness has on the family. With the best intentions, suggestions, ideas and criticism are offered, based on the non-experience of those with healthy families. Even when the good intentioned get a taste of the difficulties, it is sometimes not enough for them to then identify and understand what the family of the chronically ill must face on a constant basis.
Over the past two weeks I have shared letters from a therapist and a well spouse. Both of the letters gave personal insights into the process of losing hope, how we react when that happens and some ways of coping when test scores, diagnosis and just simple repetitive behavior indicate that change for the better is impossible.
I’ve read your last few articles on psycho-neurological testing (Oct.8-22) with interest. As a therapist who has counseled couples dealing with chronic illness, I’d like to give you another perspective.
Your articles on the Neuro-Psychological Testing were right on (October 8-22). My husband underwent testing twice and your articles explained it things exactly the way they were. Besides the test, we also tried therapy.
Very often when we can’t face our big hurts or big loses we focus on the little ones. We can discuss those. We can cry over the small loses, be angry at the smaller hurts even though it may look trite and sound ridiculous to others.
Over the last two weeks we have been discussing one way in which well spouses can determine whether behavior displayed by their ill partners is caused by their illness or is a way they have chosen to act. We have focused on Psycho-Neurological testing, what it can tell us, as well as its pros and cons.
Last week I discussed a question that haunts many well spouses: not knowing if the difficult and often inappropriate behavior frequently displayed by their partners are caused by the disease and therefore not-controllable, or if the behavior is a choice the spouse makes and can therefore be changed. This doubt can be the source of much frustration and many marital disagreements. One way of alleviating this doubt is by having a psycho- neurological work up done. But that path is not so simple.
Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/magazine/on-the-topic-of-weight-some-suggestions/2008/07/23/
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