Chillul Tefila Bifarhesia, as well as halachicly challenged verbiage and dress, are external manifestations of a critical lack of personal yiras shomayim which has lethal consequences.
(Names have been changed)
This world is full of goodness. People are generous and caring and willing to help. As we age, we sometimes lose focus on what is good around us and (if only for a while) wallow in the experiences that have upset us and caused us pain. Our perspective gets distorted and we see evil where there is none intended, and cruelty in the place of thoughtlessness.
We embrace grudges and hang them in gold frames in the living room of our mind. Well spouses fall prey to this perhaps more often then the rest of us as they cope with the hardships of their daily lives. What often rescues us is the perception of children. Clear and undistorted by years of disappointment, children often remind us that people are basically good and caring. Their view of the world, their generosity of spirit, help us take down the grudge picture and remind us that the world is full of positives. All we have to do is be willing to see them.
“It had been the hardest two years I could remember. I was a “veteran” well spouse and thought I had been through it all. For more years than I’d like to remember, I had dealt with the ups and downs of the disease and always managed. But this time it was different. Perhaps it was harder because I was getting older, or more tired, or more depressed. Perhaps it was because my children were gone and the need to be strong for them was no longer there. Whatever the reason, I found myself forgetting to pay bills, keep appointments, and I was generally taking longer to do everything.
I prioritized and way down on my list was the gifts I owed. My refrigerator seemed wallpapered with invitations to weddings, bar mitzvas, graduations and birth announcements. It was my filing system. I kept the invitations on the fridge until the gift was sent. As some of these invitations were by now almost two years old, I decided it was time to take a day and catch up with my gift giving. I did it resentfully, without my usual joy in sharing thoughts of happy occasions, wishing I could use the time for something more self-indulgent.
With each delayed gift went a note of explanation about my husband’s deteriorating health over the past two years, and an apology for the lateness of the gift. It was only when I received this thank you note from a Bar Mitzva Boy whose Bar Mitzva was almost two years ago that I did a complete turn about. Here was a teen, an age that is synonymous with self-indulgence, showing more generosity of heart than I had shown for a long time. His note pulled me out of my depression, as his selflessness and generosity made me ashamed of my own self absorbed behavior.
Dear Mr. and Mrs. T…
Thank you for the money and the card. It was very generous of you. In your letter to me, you said that you were sorry that you were late. After reading your card, I realized that you shouldn’t be sorry at all. I thank you for being one of the few people in this world who puts others in front of themselves. I am going to take $25 from what you gave me and I am going to give it to a fund to try and help find a cure for Multiple Sclerosis.
Miriam continues: “I have kept this letter. It is hanging on my fridge where I can see it every day. It is still surrounded by invitations that need gifts sent. But I send these gifts with a more joyous heart now, celebrating the milestones they honor. Whenever I see this note, my heart sings. No matter how difficult my day may have been, I feel joy. I feel joy and gratitude that a young teen reminded me of the generosity and caring of people, and that the world is indeed full of goodness.”
About the Author:
You must log in to post a comment.
Nearly half a million of them fought in Red Army uniforms, under communist slogans but with a personal vengeance that was solely the result of Jewish experience. More than the “Greatest Generation,” they were the living superheroes hidden in plain sight.
It’s all over.
The orchestra is still, the lights are dimmed. Your simcha outfits hang in your closet, silent witnesses to a time you will treasure in your mind and heart forever.
After noticing that you can’t log into your computer, your pulse quickens as you are called into your supervisor’s office. S/he has some bad news. You are being laid off. You have 15 minutes to clean out your desk and surrender your cell phone before security escorts you out of the building. Job termination, especially in the corporate world, can be heartless.
I have always had a problem with the Omer. Doing the mitzvah of counting the Omer was of course pretty easy. Remembering to start the second evening of Passover and remembering to stop the day before Shavous took a little concentration but somehow I always managed. No, for me the nagging problem was always why was I doing this in the first place, other than the fact it was a biblical (according to the Rambam) commandment.
With the semi-mourning period of Sefira behind us, and the festival of Shavuot as well (as evidenced by the tightness of our clothing due to over-indulging in irresistible versions of cheesecake that is an integral component of celebrating our receipt of the Torah), our community can look forward to participating in joyous engagement parties and weddings.
Dear Dr. Yael:
Do you really believe that the Internet is the reason why the divorce rate is so high among young couples? This may be so in some cases, but what about the fact that many singles are pressured to get married at a young age despite not having any idea what they are looking for in a mate? And add to that the fact that many are pressured to make a decision about marriage after dating for a very short period of time.
From the moment they stand under the chuppah, newlyweds have two years to enjoy the special bliss that new love brings. This new finding, reported by the New York Times, is based on a study undertaken by American and European researchers. 1,761 people who got married and stayed married over 15 years were followed. The research shows that after two years the couples moved into a more companionable state in their relationships.
Shel Silverstein’s 1974 poem “Where The Sidewalk Ends” is intended to paint a magical picture of a world of peace and serenity far away from the “black and dark streets.” At the time, perhaps the end of the sidewalk was a place that was “measured and slow.” Today, however, for many parents, where the sidewalk ends can feel like a scary place.
The next chapter of the award-winning novel.
Florida is famous for sparkling water. We have the beautiful Atlantic Ocean and Gulf of Mexico surrounding our coast. We have bays, lakes, canals and, of course, an incredible abundance of swimming pools in homes, resorts, apartment complexes and city parks.
The buzz is back as Camp Gan Israel Florida Overnight gears up for another fantastic summer, CGI Florida style. What makes CGI Florida so different from all the other overnight camps? It’s all in the details.
Leah Katz, a TeenZone camper at Oorah’s TheZone summer camp and an 11th grader at Midwood High School, read her winning essay about how TheZone changed her views on Judaism at the Jewish Heritage Awards Ceremony held at Brooklyn District Attorney Charles Hynes’s office in April. The purpose of the Jewish Heritage Essay Contest is to acquaint public school students with Jewish history and customs and to help foster a deeper understanding of Jewish culture. The contest is open to students of all ethnic and religious backgrounds. Leah’s essay is reproduced in full below.
Moshe Sharett, the head of the Jewish Agency’s Political Department, visited Egypt in 1945. In Cairo he met a most remarkable young woman, a beautiful journalist who was the darling of Egyptian high society – from high-ranking military brass, to culture icons and Muslim sheikhs, to the court of King Faruk.
The two proceeded to talk about everyday things and surprisingly her mother-in-law did not find anything else to criticize. This occurred a few more times, with my client changing the topic every time by complimenting her mother-in-law or mentioning something positive about her.
When one is blind one learns to use Braille to read. When one cannot walk, a wheelchair gives mobility. Sign language allows a mute person to speak and ocular implants assist in hearing when one is deaf. These are all compensatory strategies that help a person function despite his disability. But compensatory strategies are not just for physical problems. Understanding our psychological weaknesses and setting up our lives to ensure that we are not tempted to repeat our past mistakes, is as necessary as any aid to the disabled.
Well spouses have often discovered that their friends and relatives, despite their closeness to the situation, often don’t realize the tremendous emotional impact living with chronic illness has on the family. With the best intentions, suggestions, ideas and criticism are offered, based on the non-experience of those with healthy families. Even when the good intentioned get a taste of the difficulties, it is sometimes not enough for them to then identify and understand what the family of the chronically ill must face on a constant basis.
Over the past two weeks I have shared letters from a therapist and a well spouse. Both of the letters gave personal insights into the process of losing hope, how we react when that happens and some ways of coping when test scores, diagnosis and just simple repetitive behavior indicate that change for the better is impossible.
I’ve read your last few articles on psycho-neurological testing (Oct.8-22) with interest. As a therapist who has counseled couples dealing with chronic illness, I’d like to give you another perspective.
Your articles on the Neuro-Psychological Testing were right on (October 8-22). My husband underwent testing twice and your articles explained it things exactly the way they were. Besides the test, we also tried therapy.
Very often when we can’t face our big hurts or big loses we focus on the little ones. We can discuss those. We can cry over the small loses, be angry at the smaller hurts even though it may look trite and sound ridiculous to others.
Over the last two weeks we have been discussing one way in which well spouses can determine whether behavior displayed by their ill partners is caused by their illness or is a way they have chosen to act. We have focused on Psycho-Neurological testing, what it can tell us, as well as its pros and cons.
Last week I discussed a question that haunts many well spouses: not knowing if the difficult and often inappropriate behavior frequently displayed by their partners are caused by the disease and therefore not-controllable, or if the behavior is a choice the spouse makes and can therefore be changed. This doubt can be the source of much frustration and many marital disagreements. One way of alleviating this doubt is by having a psycho- neurological work up done. But that path is not so simple.
Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/magazine/out-of-the-mouths-of-children/2004/07/21/
Scan this QR code to visit this page online: