web analytics
September 2, 2015 / 18 Elul, 5775
At a Glance
Sections
Sponsored Post


Asking For A Fight

Schmutter-110813

This week we deal with Chanukah presents and the kids who probably don’t deserve them:

Dear Mordechai,

My kids fight all the time.  How do I prevent this?

The Ref

Dear Ref,

You can’t.  Kids will always fight.  Until you die.  Then they’ll fight over your stuff.  The only way to stop that is to not actually have any stuff worth fighting over.

“I don’t want his stuff.  You take it!”

Sibling rivalry is nothing new.  Every parsha in Sefer Bereishis has sibling rivalry – there’s Kayin and Hevel, Shem and Cham, Avraham and Lot, Yishmael and Yitzchok, Lavan and Rivka, Yaakov and Eisav, and Leah and Rachel, followed by four parshios about Yosef and his brothers.  So nothing you say or do will ever end this.  Just be happy they’re not selling each other.

Kids will fight about everything.  An experienced parent knows that even if you stop every argument your kids are having, they’re just going to come up with dumber things to argue about.  It’s called picking their battles.  Every morning, when I bring my kids to school, they fight about who’s going to get out of the car first when I pull up in front of the building.  They don’t even like school.  They just want to be first.

Mind you, the car has more than one door.  They can get out on different sides.  But they both want to get out on the same side because no one wants to be the one to close the door.  If they get out of opposite doors, they both have to close them.

A lot of parents would say, “So get a minivan with doors that close by themselves.”  That’s the answer: Spend thousands of dollars so that instead of arguing about this, our kids can find something else to argue about.  It’s like when kids argue about who has to wash the dishes, so you get a dishwasher, and then they argue about who has to empty the dishwasher.  Never mind that emptying the dishwasher is basically equivalent to the job they both WANTED before, when the person who didn’t wash the dishes had to put them away.  And dry them.

The annoying thing is that every morning, I have to wait for the kids to drag themselves out of the house and get into the car.  But when we get to school they’re in such a rush to leave the car first that they spend time arguing and get out of the car much later than they otherwise would.

So to end the fight, I said that whoever gets out of the house first gets to get out of the car first.  Makes sense, right?

So now they argue about who got out of the house first.  I have no idea who got out of the house first, because now they beat me out of the house.  I come into the living room, and they’re gone, out in the front yard, and neither of them has made their lunches, because they each wanted to get out first.  They’re willing to starve all day, just so they won’t have to close a car door.

 

Dear Mordechai,

I normally buy Chanukah presents on Black Friday, but apparently this year, for some reason, Black Friday is on Chanukah.  What do I do?

Shopping

Dear Shopping,

Stall.

I don’t know.  What did the Maccabees do in this situation?  Now we know why it took them a few days to get oil.  But then they got it cheaper, so there.

But I know what you mean.  Black Friday not coming out before Chanukah seems to go against everything the Jewish religion stands for.  Be thankful this will never happen again, firstly because Chanukah will never be this early again – the Jewish calendar in general keeps shifting later and later – but also because Black Friday is getting earlier and earlier and earlier in the year.  Apparently it’s called “Black Friday” because that day, stores are in the black.  This is the one day they pull a profit.  So you’ll excuse them if they want to get to that day earlier and earlier.  But my point is that by the time Chanukah comes out this early again, Black Friday will have made it all the way around the calendar backwards.

About the Author:


If you don't see your comment after publishing it, refresh the page.

Our comments section is intended for meaningful responses and debates in a civilized manner. We ask that you respect the fact that we are a religious Jewish website and avoid inappropriate language at all cost.

If you promote any foreign religions, gods or messiahs, lies about Israel, anti-Semitism, or advocate violence (except against terrorists), your permission to comment may be revoked.

No Responses to “Asking For A Fight”

Comments are closed.

Current Top Story
Jewish blood libel cartoon posted on Facebook sometime in 2014 by an UNRWA teacher in Jordan.
UNRWA Teacher in Jordan Promotes Hatred of Jews on Facebook
Latest Sections Stories
West-Coast-logo

Though each member of Meira Academy’s 2015 graduating class was accepted to a university, all of the girls have chosen to spend a gap year in Israel to attend seminary before they head to college.

The two Torah giants spent hours discussing a variety of Torah topics, some of which went well beyond subjects normally dealt with in Lithuanian yeshivas.

Lunchbox Restaurant in Tel Aviv.

Bringing your own sandwich to a restaurant would appear as the height of chutzpah, but not any more—at least not at Lunchbox…

Last year, OneFamily published a cookbook in Hebrew featuring the bereaved mothers’ recipes.

How did an unresolved murder case turn into an accusation of ritual murder?

Excerpted from The Apple Cookbook (c) Olwen Woodier. Photography by (c) Leigh Beisch Photography with Food Stylist Robyn Valarik. Used with permission of Storey Publishing.

The flag had been taken down in the aftermath of the Charleston shooting and was now back and flying.

A light breakfast of coffee and danishes will be available during the program.

A variety of glatt kosher food will be available for purchase at Kosher Korner (near Section 1).

Jewish Press South Florida Editor Shelley Benveniste will deliver a talk.

Corey Brier, corresponding secretary of the organization, introduced the rabbi.

The magnificent 400-seat sanctuary with beautiful stained glass windows, a stunning carved glass Aron Kodesh, a ballroom, social hall, and beis medrash will accommodate the growing synagogue.

Even when our prayers are ignored and troubles confront us, Rabbi Shoff teaches that it is the same God who sent the difficulties as who answered our prayers before.

I’ve put together some of the most frequently asked questions regarding bullies, friendship and learning disabilities.

More Articles from Mordechai Schmutter
Schmutter-081415

The doctor said, “Make sure to get a really expensive one. You spend a third of your life in bed.”

Schmutter-M-NEW-logo

My parents have a coffee table in their den, and I’ve never seen anyone drink coffee on it.

Wait. Why would I give you 22 minutes first? How about you give me the world, and then I give you the 22 minutes.

For the most part, though, people tend to base their decision on how long the lines in the store are going to be.

Now that Pesach is over, we return you to your regularly-scheduled pressing questions:   Dear Mordechai, Can I use a nose hair trimmer during Sefirah? Harry Lipman   Dear Harry, Yes, as long as your nose hairs are so bad that they’re affecting your job. Like if you have a desk job, and they interfere […]

So generally, I dance for a few minutes and then stand off to the side with all the other people who don’t dance and feel like they have to make conversation, even though that’s when the music is the loudest.

Imagine you were a doctor, and then, one day a year, everyone tried his or her hand at surgery.

Dear Mordechai,
How do I prevent my Smartphone from breaking the first time I drop it?
Shattered in Pieces

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/magazine/potpourri/asking-for-a-fight/2013/11/08/

Scan this QR code to visit this page online: