web analytics
May 25, 2013 /16 Sivan, 5773
At a Glance ▼
Sections
Sponsored Post
The Tosfos Yomtov was convinced that the death of 300,000 –600,000 Jews during the Chmielnicki massacres of 1648-49 were because of improper Tefila. Communicated: Tefilla

Chillul Tefila Bifarhesia, as well as halachicly challenged verbiage and dress, are external manifestations of a critical lack of personal yiras shomayim which has lethal consequences.



Getting The Best Messages

Published: January 12th, 2012
tell a friend

Suzanne called me today about the newest humiliation she had just experienced. At the gym, a personal trainer loudly reprimanded her for trying to help another person with some equipment, and he did so in front of nearly everybody who was working out there.

Suzanne doesn’t ever want to see that trainer again or ever face the people who were in the gym today while she was being berated. I tried as best as I could to give Suzanne the warm support that she needed. Later on, though, when she was insisting that she could never return to the gym, I shared an insight that popped up. It seemed like there was a clearer message than usual in this latest episode of frequently recurring humiliations, since it was a “personal trainer” who had been hurtful to her this time.

Not going back to the gym wouldn’t put an end to these kinds of pain-evoking experiences in Suzanne’s life, although it would be a good idea to avoid a person with that kind of explosive temper, and report his behavior to his superiors. The reason why these types of intimidating patterns keep repeating, though, should not be avoided.

When certain painful patterns of behavior keep repeating in our lives, it is a major clue that there is an important communication we need to receive. The personal trainers we encounter may differ radically in appearance, yet they’re all delivering the very same message we desperately need to get.

Who are these “personal trainers?” It is not just somebody spitefully out to “get” us. And he or she is not being sent directly our way by an external vindictive kind of God, trying to ultimately make our lives miserable. In fact, we, ourselves, are often, unwittingly, these personal trainers too, helping others to get the very uncomfortable messages they may not feel like getting, but are, nevertheless, vital to their greatest fulfillment.

Personal training sessions are continuously going on because our souls are yearning – non-stop – for the deepest pleasure possible. What is that pleasure? It is to blossom to our full potential.

About half of all people, for example, probably need to become gentler, more compassionate and more giving. Then there’s the other half who nearly always need to become stronger, tougher and more assertive. And each of us keeps getting painful communications – in strikingly similar patterns – throughout our lives, so that we can become more balanced in these essential qualities.

Recently I got hurt because somebody disregarded a business agreement we had made. Why did I trust the person so implicitly beforehand? Hadn’t I been in a seemingly different, but actually similar situation not so long before? Why was I again disregarding the red flags, not taking precautions, and naively hoping for the best outcome?

As hard as it is for so many to stand up for themselves, be assertive, and resist being trampled upon, there are those who find it almost just as impossible to refrain from forging ahead to gain an ever increasing power over others. It is probably as hard for the more ruthless types to take the time to pause and listen respectfully to others – and then respond with genuine warmth – as it is for the non-assertive types to demand to be heard.

In Kohelet (Ecclesiates 3:1-8) Shlomo HaMelech explains what he has come to understand:

For everything there is a season, A right time for every intention under heaven, A time to be born and a time to die, A time to plant and a time to uproot, A time to kill and a time to heal, A time to tear down and a time to build, A time to weep and a time to laugh, A time to mourn and a time to dance, A time to throw stones and a time to gather stones, A time to embrace and a time to refrain, A time to search and a time to give up, A time to keep and a time to discard, A time to tear and a time to sew, A time to keep silent and a time to speak, A time to love and a time to hate, A time for war and a time for peace.

There are times that we need to learn how to be more trusting and times when we need to be less trusting. Situations when we need to demonstrate more patience with people, and circumstances when we have been way too patient. Life seems to be so much about learning how to become more balanced and developing the flexibility to respond fluidly at the appropriate time. We are all here to help each other become our most actualized selves, even though the growing pains can really be excruciating at times.

tell a friend

About the Author:


You might also be interested in:


one comment so far

You must log in to post a comment.

One Response to “Getting The Best Messages”

  1. Hinda Bayla says:
    January 15, 2012 at 7:02 AM

    May we all be blessed to open to the joy of this balance that you speak of, and the capacity to change unhealthy patterns in our lives that keep repeating themselves so we can continue to grow. And to celebrate these achievements with gratitude to a loving G-d.

SocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

Current Top Story
David Arenberg lost many things during his nearly 12 years in prison, but he found a connection to Judaism.
A Jew Grows in Prison
Latest Sections Stories
V-E-Day-052413-Grandpa
Sections → Magazine → Teens and Twenties

Nearly half a million of them fought in Red Army uniforms, under communist slogans but with a personal vengeance that was solely the result of Jewish experience. More than the “Greatest Generation,” they were the living superheroes hidden in plain sight.

hot-busy-kitchen-10912000
Sections → Jewess Press → Daily Living

It’s all over.

The orchestra is still, the lights are dimmed. Your simcha outfits hang in your closet, silent witnesses to a time you will treasure in your mind and heart forever.

Touro-052413
Sections → Features

Scene One:

After noticing that you can’t log into your computer, your pulse quickens as you are called into your supervisor’s office. S/he has some bad news. You are being laid off. You have 15 minutes to clean out your desk and surrender your cell phone before security escorts you out of the building. Job termination, especially in the corporate world, can be heartless.

Omer Map (website image) by Yitzchok Moully. Courtesy the artist.
Sections → Arts

I have always had a problem with the Omer. Doing the mitzvah of counting the Omer was of course pretty easy. Remembering to start the second evening of Passover and remembering to stop the day before Shavous took a little concentration but somehow I always managed. No, for me the nagging problem was always why was I doing this in the first place, other than the fact it was a biblical (according to the Rambam) commandment.

Sections → Magazine → On Our Own/Cheryl Kupfer

With the semi-mourning period of Sefira behind us, and the festival of Shavuot as well (as evidenced by the tightness of our clothing due to over-indulging in irresistible versions of cheesecake that is an integral component of celebrating our receipt of the Torah), our community can look forward to participating in joyous engagement parties and weddings.

Sections → Family → Marriage and Relationships

Dear Dr. Yael:

Do you really believe that the Internet is the reason why the divorce rate is so high among young couples? This may be so in some cases, but what about the fact that many singles are pressured to get married at a young age despite not having any idea what they are looking for in a mate? And add to that the fact that many are pressured to make a decision about marriage after dating for a very short period of time.

Sections → Family → Marriage and Relationships

From the moment they stand under the chuppah, newlyweds have two years to enjoy the special bliss that new love brings. This new finding, reported by the New York Times, is based on a study undertaken by American and European researchers. 1,761 people who got married and stayed married over 15 years were followed. The research shows that after two years the couples moved into a more companionable state in their relationships.

Sections → Family → Parenting Our Children

Shel Silverstein’s 1974 poem “Where The Sidewalk Ends” is intended to paint a magical picture of a world of peace and serenity far away from the “black and dark streets.” At the time, perhaps the end of the sidewalk was a place that was “measured and slow.” Today, however, for many parents, where the sidewalk ends can feel like a scary place.

Sections → Community → South Florida

Florida is famous for sparkling water. We have the beautiful Atlantic Ocean and Gulf of Mexico surrounding our coast. We have bays, lakes, canals and, of course, an incredible abundance of swimming pools in homes, resorts, apartment complexes and city parks.

Sections → Community → South Florida

The buzz is back as Camp Gan Israel Florida Overnight gears up for another fantastic summer, CGI Florida style. What makes CGI Florida so different from all the other overnight camps? It’s all in the details.

Sections → Magazine → Teens and Twenties

Leah Katz, a TeenZone camper at Oorah’s TheZone summer camp and an 11th grader at Midwood High School, read her winning essay about how TheZone changed her views on Judaism at the Jewish Heritage Awards Ceremony held at Brooklyn District Attorney Charles Hynes’s office in April. The purpose of the Jewish Heritage Essay Contest is to acquaint public school students with Jewish history and customs and to help foster a deeper understanding of Jewish culture. The contest is open to students of all ethnic and religious backgrounds. Leah’s essay is reproduced in full below.

Sections → Jewess Press → Impact Of Women On Jewish History/Prof. L. Jackson

Moshe Sharett, the head of the Jewish Agency’s Political Department, visited Egypt in 1945. In Cairo he met a most remarkable young woman, a beautiful journalist who was the darling of Egyptian high society – from high-ranking military brass, to culture icons and Muslim sheikhs, to the court of King Faruk.

Sections → Family → Marriage and Relationships

The two proceeded to talk about everyday things and surprisingly her mother-in-law did not find anything else to criticize. This occurred a few more times, with my client changing the topic every time by complimenting her mother-in-law or mentioning something positive about her.

More Articles from Bracha Goetz
Whitney Houston
InDepth → Op-Eds

Wikipedia says it this way: In 2009, Guiness World Records cited her as the most-awarded female act of all time. Her list of awards includes two Emmy Awards, six Grammy Awards, 30 Billboard Music Awards, and 22 American Music Awards, among a total of 415 career awards as of 2010. Houston was also one of the world’s best-selling music artists, having sold over 170 million albums, singles and videos worldwide.
So, didn’t she almost have it all?

Sections → Magazine → Potpourri

Suzanne called me today about the newest humiliation she had just experienced. At the gym, a personal trainer loudly reprimanded her for trying to help another person with some equipment, and he did so in front of nearly everybody who was working out there.

Sections → Family → Parenting Our Children

This is a handy little jingle for parents to keep in mind, but even though it’s short, my rhyme is not for little children. In order to adequately prepare our children we must first be aware of the red flags ourselves. Then we need to schedule an “annual check-up” with our children and clearly and calmly bring up the subject of personal safety.

Sections → Books

Over 30 years ago, Rebbetzin Chana Bracha Siegelbaum had not yet found the world of wisdom in the Torah.

Sections → Books

Over 30 years ago, Rebbetzin Chana Bracha Siegelbaum had not yet found the world of wisdom in the Torah.

InDepth → Op-Eds

They’re usually especially friendly and charming. They often do plenty of public acts of chesed. This is done in order to look good and gain respectability and positions of authority – and unquestioned access to potential victims. And the fact is, they can do really nice things because they may actually be kind and intelligent people in some ways. But not in other ways.

Sections → Family → Parenting Our Children

Chaya’s older yeshiva-bochur brother told her that there was no problem with his touching her body. He told her it wasn’t against the Torah, and he seemed to know a lot more Torah than she did at the tender age of 6. He continued to touch her first over her clothes, but as the years passed, the abuse progressed to actual rape. Eventually he got married and started a family, appearing to function just fine to nearly everyone in the community. However, he left his younger sister, now in her late twenties, crippled – emotionally, sexually and spiritually.

InDepth → Interviews and Profiles

I had recently had the opportunity to sit down with Rabbi Alexander Seinfeld, author of the new book, The Art of Kavana (Devora Publishing, July 2009) and discuss what it means to truly focus on yiddishkeit.

    Latest Poll

    If you could only choose one of the following scenarios regarding Chareidi IDF service, which would you choose?





    View Results

    Loading ... Loading ...

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/magazine/potpourri/getting-the-best-messages/2012/01/12/

Scan this QR code to visit this page online:

Related posts:

  1. Lucky Or Unlucky?
Close