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August 22, 2014 / 26 Av, 5774
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Shavuos-Related

Schmutter-051013

Still Deciding

Dear Still,

Actually, it’s possible that “cheese” is already plural. No one ever says, “I want a cheese,” they say, “I want some cheese.” So from what I can tell, the singular form of “cheese” is “chee”. Which is actually spelled “qi”, and is a Chinese term meaning “the driving force of any living thing,” which perfectly describes cheese. It’s also a great word for “Words with Friends.”

More likely, though, if you can’t say “one cheese,” you’re not supposed to say “two cheeses” either. Grammatically, it’s probably a non-count noun. So if you want to request it, you’re best off adding words you can pluralize, as in: “I’d like two things of cheese, please… Two bricks… Some curdled… You know what? Just give me all your cheese.”

Or you can just get non-fancy cheese from the fridge display, where you don’t have to ask anybody. That’s what most of us do.

Dear Mordechai,

Is there a good book you can recommend for Shavuos? I’ve already finished the Torah.

J.K.

Dear J.,

Actually, I do. My fourth book is coming out this week. Because I apparently have so much knowledge that it’s just spilling out into books at this point.

The book is called “Cholent Mix,” because it’s basically a whole cholent of articles. And, like cholent, it’s good any day of the week, it makes you feel happy but tired, and it’s probably not so good for you.

The title also lends itself to a great practical joke: Every time your wife tells you to buy cholent mix from the store, buy a copy of my book. I don’t know if she’ll appreciate the joke, but I will. You should probably also buy flowers, though, just in case.

Anyway, the book is out just in time for Shavuos, for all the people who are saying, “I need something to do; my husband is going to be asleep for 3 days.” And for all you men out there, I will say – and I’m sure rabbonim would back me up on this – that reading my book is just like sleeping.

You might need more than one copy, though. So, um, “Don’t forget to pick up cholent mix”, if you catch my drift.

Got a question for “You’re Asking Me?” Send it in. I’ve got all night.

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