One of the most popular theories, though, is that it’s not even the laundry cycle that’s losing them – we are. We assume the laundry lost them, because they sure didn’t get lost while we were wearing them. But what about afterward? You know how your kids think there are monsters under their beds? There aren’t. That smell is socks. And don’t forget the journey to and from the washing machine. My wife makes my kids bring their own laundry up and down the stairs, and then I follow their trail the next day, picking up socks – some dropped on the way to the laundry, some dropped on the way back – and I put them all in the hamper just in case. So I guess it’s my fault. I’m the reason they fold their clothes and find only one of each sock.
I also have a theory of my own. You know how sometimes you ruin clothes in the wash – you shrink them, you change their color a little, you ruin the elastics? Well, what if you did that to your socks? And if you did, what are the chances you did it to both? What if you do it to one and not the other? So you put in two black socks, size large, and you get back a black sock, size extra large, and a grey sock, size small, with no elastic. And you’re like, “Hey, two single socks! How is this even possible?” And no one remembers putting a small grey sock in the laundry.
So what do you do?
1. In Shakespeare’s time, everyone used to wear tights. Even men. Sure, it smelled horrible when they took them off at night. But they covered that up by not bathing.
2. Everyone says to use sock clips, but if you can’t get anyone to pick their socks off the floor, how are you going to get them to use sock clips? And there’s no way you’re going to tie their stinky socks together yourself.
3. Some people say to have one load that’s just socks. I don’t know how that’s supposed to help. I also don’t know where to keep this biohazard all week so that it doesn’t set off the smoke detectors.
4. I personally think all socks should have a “Bee-beep!” thing like cars do, so you can walk around and look for your socks in a parking lot.
5. Or you can do what everyone does, which is keep a box of single socks, and then periodically give up and throw them all out. The matches will show up in the very next load.
6. Find creative uses for the ones you have, such as a beer cozy.
“Would you like a beer? Don’t worry, the sock’s clean.”
Or a sock puppet. How many socks puppets can you have? It’s going to be pretty creepy in your house.
But really, your socks don’t matter. As long as your pants are regulation length, no one even notices your socks, unless you’re duchaning. Or it’s Tisha B’Av, and you’re wearing crocs, which also have holes.
Have a question for “You’re Asking Me?” Put a sock in it.