web analytics
September 17, 2014 / 22 Elul, 5774
At a Glance
Sections
Sponsored Post
Apartment 758x530 Africa-Israel at the Israel Real Estate Exhibition in New York

Africa Israel Residences, part of the Africa Israel Investments Group led by international businessman Lev Leviev, will present 7 leading projects on the The Israel Real Estate Exhibition in New York on Sep 14-15, 2014.



You’re On Your Own

Schmutter-011014

The real reason people give speeches about names is that:

A. There aren’t really a lot of parshios that talk about brissim, and

B. They want to hammer the name into people’s minds so they remember when they come home and their spouse asks, “So what’s the name?”  People always ask you when you come home: “What’s the baby’s name?”  “Do you know their other kids’ names?  Are you making a list?”  They just want to make sure you were really at the bris.  It’s like when you’re a kid and you’re late to school, and you say you had a bris, but the Rebbe doesn’t believe you, so he goes, “Oh, yeah?  What’s the name?”

“I don’t remember.  Bagel?”

 

Dear Mordechai,

My medical insurance just changed, for reasons I don’t care to discuss.  Do you have any good recommendations for doctors?

Shut Down

Dear Shut,

Not really.  I just found out this week that my doctor was niftar.

I’m not kidding.  It’s a very awkward thing to find out.  I don’t know what to do now.  I’m like, “So should I keep doing what he told me to do, or is everything I know a lie?”  I’m going to be the guy at the shiva going, “Yeah, but did he say anything about what I should do?  Any dying words?  ‘Tell Mordechai he should…’ dead.”

You always assume your doctor’s going to outlive you.  Who am I going to go to for my annual checkup every 3-4 years?

It’s really not funny.  He was a nice guy.  Every time he saw me, he asked how I was feeling, how I was doing, and if I could turn my head and cough.  (I always could.)  But I never once asked him any of these things.  And if I did, out of habit, it was just to make conversation.  I definitely didn’t take notes.

But my point was that he knew all the tricks to stay healthy, and he still died.

Of course, just because he died doesn’t mean he wasn’t a good doctor.  Everyone goes eventually.  Doctors are just a stall.  It could even be that his health wasn’t his own department.  Maybe he had his own doctor.

Or maybe not.  A lot of doctors treat themselves.  It’s not like dentists, who really can’t treat themselves.  They need to do it in front of a mirror, while holding that tiny dentist mirror and trying to see what’s going on in the tiny mirror by use of the big mirror, all while operating a drill.  And I assume this is even harder after the laughing gas.

But being your own physician is a lot easier.  In fact, it’s easier than being someone else’s physician, because the hardest part of being a physician, I’d think, is the part where you ask people to describe their pain, using words, and then you have to translate those words into real physical pictures in your medical textbooks while they wait in the little room.  Whereas the hardest part of being your own physician is the part where you put the freezing cold stethoscope in the middle of your back.  While coughing.  That’s pretty awkward.  Especially if your next patient comes in.

But you can’t really worry about things like death, or you’ll never settle on a doctor.  People are very picky when it comes to doctors.  You don’t want a doctor who’s older than you, because he might die before you.  You don’t want a doctor who’s younger than you, because you’re sure that he has no idea what he’s doing.  You were at his bris.  You want a doctor who is actually secretly younger than you, but looks older than you.  Stress will do that to a person.

About the Author:


If you don't see your comment after publishing it, refresh the page.

Our comments section is intended for meaningful responses and debates in a civilized manner. We ask that you respect the fact that we are a religious Jewish website and avoid inappropriate language at all cost.

If you promote any foreign religions, gods or messiahs, lies about Israel, anti-Semitism, or advocate violence (except against terrorists), your permission to comment may be revoked.

One Response to “You’re On Your Own”

Comments are closed.

SocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

Current Top Story
Establishment media report PA economy  a disaster. Above: Gourmet restaurant in Ramallah Mall.
Media Sells Phony Story of Suffering Palestinian Authority Economy
Latest Sections Stories
Ganz-091214-Fifty

Today, fifty years and six million (!) people later, Israel is truly a different world.

Goldberg-091214

There will always be items that don’t freeze well – salads and some rice- or potato-based dishes – so you need to leave time to prepare or cook them closer to Yom Tov and ensure there is enough room in the refrigerator to store them.

Women's under-trousers, Uzbekistan, early 20th century

In Uzbekistan, in the early twentieth century, it was the women who wore the pants.

Schonfeld-logo1

This is an important one in raising a mentsch (and maybe even in marrying off a mentsch! listening skills are on the top of the list when I do shidduch coaching).

While multitasking is not ideal, it is often necessary and unavoidable.

Maybe now that your kids are back in school, you should start cleaning for Pesach.

The interpreter was expected to be a talmid chacham himself and be able to also offer explanations and clarifications to the students.

“When Frank does something he does it well and you don’t have to worry about dotting the i’s or crossing the t’s.”

“On Sunday I was at the Kotel with the battalion and we said a prayer of thanks. In Gaza there were so many moments of death that I had to thank God that I’m alive. Only then did I realize how frightening it had been there.”

Neglect, indifference or criticism can break a person’s neshama.

It’s fair to say that we all know or have someone in our family who is divorced.

The assumption of a shared kinship is based on being part of the human race. Life is so much easier to figure out when everyone thinks the same way.

Various other learning opportunities will be offered to the community throughout the year.

The new group will also deliver kosher food to Jewish residents in non-kosher facilities, as well as to kosher facilities where the food is not up to par.

More Articles from Mordechai Schmutter
Schmutter-logo-NEW

Maybe now that your kids are back in school, you should start cleaning for Pesach.

Schmutter-080814-Socks

If I’m going on for oven mitts, I don’t want to see sock puppets until at least page 40.

Alternatively, you can try your absolute hardest to listen whenever she says anything.

Father’s Day comes every year. How many drills can you get him?

This week, I’m asking the questions for a change.

Pesach is so liberating (if you excuse the expression). It’s the only time I can eat anywhere in the house, guilt free! Matzah in bed!

Purim around here is crazy. And I’m not just talking about the amount of questions I get.

Dear Mordechai,

Someone gave me a gift that I don’t like. But I don’t want to hurt his feelings. What should I do?

You Shouldn’t Have

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/magazine/potpourri/youre-on-your-own/2014/01/10/

Scan this QR code to visit this page online: