web analytics
July 1, 2015 / 14 Tammuz, 5775
At a Glance
Sections
Sponsored Post


Shidduch Sadness (Part II)

        In my previous column I wrote about older singles who were undermining their chance at getting married by letting others make decisions for them on as to whether to date a proposed shidduch or not. In the two cases I cited, one let a mentor and the other, her mother, do the thinking for her. Both nixed the match. The mother was affronted that a divorced father of one had been suggested for her 39-year-old daughter and the other vetoed the date because, “she just didn’t see it.” The girls obediently complied and did not go out.

 

         What the harm would have been with these “girls” investing a couple of hours of their life to meet the guy, I don’t know – but in not meeting, the harm was potentially enormous. While I don’t know the status of the girl in the first case, I do know that the second woman is still single, in her 50’s and statistically unlikely to have a family of her own.

 

         I am not saying that either shidduch would have worked – but they’ll never know and I suspect there were many other “don’t go out” scenarios over the years, very possibly -missed opportunities.

 

         This dead-end behavior brings to mind a joke I once heard. Anehrlich but poor man, up to his ears in debt, would cry to Hashem every time the winner of a big lottery was announced, asking why he couldn’t be a winner. Week after week there would be a lottery, and this unfortunate man would wail to Shomayim, bemoaning his cruel fate and bad luck, wondering what would be the big deal if he won even a small amount of money. Finally, after a particularly bitter rant, the man heard a Heavenly voice. “Rev Yid, the voice called out – I hear your pleas and they have moved Me but you have to buy a ticket!

 

         People, especially, long time singles, should take heed of Hillel’s statement – “If I am not for myself, who will be.” It’s certainly acceptable, even commendable to ask those close to you for an opinion and input before you accept a date – but at the end of the day – it should be your decision, because it’s your life and your married friend/parent/mentor will not be affected by your decision, but yours very likely will be by theirs – whether they insist you pass on this date – or the opposite – whether they push you to accept when your gut feeling tells you not to.

 

         Why are some people afraid to take responsibility for their lives? My guess – and it is purely speculation on my part since I am not a therapist – is that they don’t have self confidence – a very necessary component in taking risks. A tragic sense of inadequacy makes them hesitant to move forward on their own – much like a pre-nursery student on his first day of school who will not step into the classroom by himself – insisting his mother come in with him.

 

         I truly believe that people who have managed to avoid getting married and are older, (but have no obvious reason for not finding a mate, such as a serious physical or mental handicap, chronic unemployment, criminal background, very poor hygiene – to name a few) need to go on a journey of self-discovery to see what is holding them back. What is it that makes women turn away fine suitors, and men turn away women who have all the qualities of an aishet chayil?

 

         On a conscious level, they truly want to move forward and build a bayit ne’eman and they make the effort by going to singles Shabbatonim, signing up for on-line dating services, etc. but very likely on a sub-conscious level, they have built a wall whose foundation is fear and a negative self-perception. It is crucial to become aware of this self-imposed barrier, for only then can the individual be helped to find the tools to break it down. There can be any number of reasons for fearing marriage – a fear of failure, a fear of being “found” out that they are not the “great” person people think they are, a fear of being boxed in, of being controlled. They need to know where this fear is coming from and be helped in dissipating it.

 

         This fear is not exclusive to marriage. There are many very bright, talented people who are under-educated, underemployed or who have not made the most of their gifts and abilities. They are afraid to live up to their potential and prefer to be ordinary – even sub par.

 

         It is my hope this new year, that we all conquer our fears, and attain true peace of mind in all avenues of our lives.

About the Author:


If you don't see your comment after publishing it, refresh the page.

Our comments section is intended for meaningful responses and debates in a civilized manner. We ask that you respect the fact that we are a religious Jewish website and avoid inappropriate language at all cost.

If you promote any foreign religions, gods or messiahs, lies about Israel, anti-Semitism, or advocate violence (except against terrorists), your permission to comment may be revoked.

No Responses to “Shidduch Sadness (Part II)”

Comments are closed.

Current Top Story
investing-in-gold_4548807_lrg
What Sanctions? Iran Receives 13 Tons of Gold From S. Africa
Latest Sections Stories

Anna Henriques, who hopes to one day head back to Jamaica, says, “Rabbi Raskin must be willing to respect what exists in Jamaica. The way to the future is to gently bring in the traditions of the past and at the same time embrace the idiosyncrasies of the Jamaican people.”

Food-Talk---Eller-logo

The Silver Platter has it all: gorgeous photography, oodles of useful tips and, more importantly, incredible recipes that you will find yourself making again and again.

Emmer-052915-History

It may be that seeking to connect with the past is rooted in the impermanence and impersonality of modern life.

It is very hard to build a healthy marriage when you do not have good role models.

My best book is one that hasn’t been published yet.

We tend to justify and idealize this division with pride attributing these tendencies as demonstrating a higher level of kedushah.

Everyone in the kehilla can get involved, she added, and mothers can network with each other.

On her first ever trip to Israel last week, popular radio talk-show personality and clinical psychologist Dr. Joy Browne, whose spirited broadcasts regularly attract millions of listeners across North America, paid a visit to OneFamily headquarters in Jerusalem in order to learn more about the physical and emotional challenges faced by victims of terror in […]

With the famous Touro Synagogue, a variety of mansions, each with its own distinct personality, as well as the beautiful coast, Rhode Island makes for an excellent vacation spot.

To avoid all this waste and unnecessary anxiety, let’s break the task down step by step and tackle each one at a time.

While there are those who insist they need full-color photos to be truly entranced by a recipe, I suggest you get over that particular requirement because the written word here will draw you in and cause you to salivate as you peruse the recipes scattered throughout The Well-Spiced Life (Israel Book Shop).

For those who couldn’t go off base, a personal parcel was priceless in its ability to convey a feeling of home.

More Articles from Cheryl Kupfer
Kupfer-060515-Supermen

There are fathers who bravely step up to the plate and fill in the maternal vacuum with their love and devotion.

Kupfer-On-Our-Own-NEW

The message being conveyed is that without “flour,” without the means to support oneself and one’s family, one’s focus on Torah will be impeded by worry.

Divorce from a vindictive, cruel spouse can be a lifelong nightmare when there are offspring.

Not knowing any better, I assumed that Molly and her mother must be voracious readers.

Unpleasant happenings are quickly discarded if they do not affect us directly.

I have always insisted that everything that happens to anyone or anything is min Shamayim.

It is so hurtful to heighten people’s sense of inadequacy and guilt in a matzav that is already horrendous and difficult to bear.

Make no mistake: in the wrong hands cars are weapons of mass destruction.

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/magazine/shidduch-sadness-part-ii/2007/09/11/

Scan this QR code to visit this page online: